Being friends with a guy who minored in math comes in handy at times.
Will: It’s so nice being a guy. We’re so low maintenance when I see all you women have to keep up with. I have 3 pairs of shoes, and would only have 2 if I could wear brown shoes with black slacks.
Me: Doing your hair takes what? Like 15 minutes including shower time?
Will: Unless I have to shave.
Me: Mine takes about an hour. Shampoo, condition, hair masque, product, blowdry and flat iron. I think I may have spent more time with my flat iron than anything else in this world
Will: Yea that’s a lot of work. How long have you been doing the flat iron?
Me: Since the age of 17
Will: Wow. So do you have a fro otherwise or something?
Me: So, ten years. Three times a week (on average) for 45 minutes. It’s not so much a fro, but wavy and frizzy and generally awkward and wildly unappealing. Think the before picture in the Geek Remover ad
Will: you’ve spent 130 hours doing that over 10 years or 5.41 days
Me: Are you kidding me?
Will: I’m pretty sure
Me: I’ve spent over a work week on doing my hair?
Will: I haven’t done math math in a while, but I think that’s right
Me: See — this is why cancer isn’t cured. This is why there isn’t peace in the Middle East. Because people spend weeks of their life doing their hair!
Of course, this stunning revelation will not stop me from flat ironing my hair, inducing dizziness by blowdrying upside down while spritzing with volumizer or buying a multitude of products in the hopes that my hair will resemble the shiny bounciness (bouncy shiny-ness?) of the model in the shampoo ad.
When my hair is straight and shiny, I feel much better about myself and much more in control of my world.
Straight Haired Jaime resembles a functioning adult who pays her bills on time and and watches political satire (Sidebar: I can’t wait until Real Time with Bill Maher comes back).
Wavy Haired Jaime is a messy child with a bird’s nest perched atop her head and a penchant for petulance.
Is this normal? I mean, everyone’s got their quirks, right? I know people who must have lip balm on them at all times (I can relate — I’ve got two different kinds in my purse right now). I know people can’t leave the house without applying a swipe of mascara and I know people who are involved in a serious relationship with their phone.
Am I psychologically dependent on my flat iron? Somewhat, but I don’t like to think of it in such clinical terms. I prefer to think of it as a great love affair. Can’t nobody tear us apart, baby.