You Just Gotta Keep on Livin’, Man. L-I-V-I-N Or, Holy Shit, I Love You!

Did you know there is a whole world out there not connected to the internet?

It’s filled with ponies and Cuban coffee and drag queens and giant skillets of food that you can eat and that’s where I’ve been lately. Hanging out, following the advice of Wooderson and just L-I-VI-N’, man.

And I’ve loved it, but I kinda sorta missed this place so I’m back with tales of the real world and how much I loved it (holy shit!).

In the past couple of months, I:

Saw The Black Crowes and Gary Clark Jr.
Was caught in a torrential downpour.
Got muddier than I’ve ever been in my life.
Made new friends who let us into the tent to shield us from the rain and more new friends who let us up to the front so we could see the Crowes up close in all their blues-rock glory.

Walked barefoot on the 70 yard line at Dolphins Stadium.
Listened to John Denney read Clifford the Big Red Dog to small children and experienced ALL the feelings.
Met TD the Dolphin. He was sweaty.

Spent my birthday with some of the greatest people in the world.
Drank bluecoat while wearing a tiara.
Had breakfast with drag queens the next morning.

Celebrated with one of my best friends as she graduated from law school.
Ate a skillet filled with deliciousness in the form of potatoes, eggs, artichoke hearts, spinach, sundried tomatoes and mushrooms.
Realized that the best thing about having two best friends who are lawyers is EVERYTHING.

Spent quality time with my sister eating ALL the food and watching Parenthood (dudes, it’s so good. I mean, Max is the worst but every now and then – they reference Friday Night Lights and my heart just fills up like a balloon).

Spent quality time with Biffle eating ALL the food and making this face a lot. Like all the time a lot. Of all of the pictures ever taken of us, this is the most representative of our relationship.

As much as I love to cuddle up on the couch and spent some quality time with Netflix, I kinda love verbing it up and can’t wait to see what adventures Summer 2013 will bring.

Holy Shit! I Love You!

It’s been a while, so let’s dust off this old chestnut, shall we?

- Starbucks Vanilla Rooibos Tea Latte

I grew up in a tea-drinking family – I learned how to make a good cup of chai when I was seven and my grandfather used to drink multiple cups a day – but I was never a big tea drinker. I gravitated more towards coffee because dear God, is anything more redolent of the bodily emissions of angels than a good cup of coffee?

But a girl gets tired of skinny blonde mistos and wants a little something different. Especially when it’s bitingly cold outside. So, I ordered a vanilla rooibos tea latte and was rewarded with a hug in a cup. A warm, sweet creamy kiss of vanilla and cinnamon that pulls double duty by warming your hands. It’s kinda perfect and I’m sure I’ll be running out to buy an aerolatte so I can make it at home.

- John Frieda Hair Dye Foam

I dyed my hair last weekend.

It went from every shade between black and honey blonde to a dark brown with cherry cola highlights….even though the box said Medium Golden Brown.

Huh. Right then…

The dyeing process was a bit of an ordeal as I spent about 45 minutes yelling in the bathroom:

“What the….Black gloves? Jesus, am I dyeing my hair or working at a black site?”
“Oh my God. Why isn’t my hair foaming up like the woman on the box? Now I know how Marcel felt. Foam, damn it! Foam!”
“I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine…“

Almost thirty and I still haven’t mastered the art of basic female maintenance.

So, even though my hair is considerably darker than anticipated, I actually really like it…and this will last for about two months at which point, I’ll decide, “Hey, you know what would be great? Annoying blonde highlights that are hell to maintain!”

- Beastie Boys

I forget how much I love the Beastie Boys until I hear them and then, it comes rushing back to me – holy shit, has this always sounded so good?

However, I’ll admit that the first time I heard the Beastie Boys – I was utterly confused.
Dudes, how is this hip hop?
These are three skinny white boys who look like they belong in a 70s cop show (my first exposure was the Sabotage video).
Hip hop isn’t like this.
It’s like this and like that and like this and uh.

But it stuck with me. Because the Beasties continually redefined the boundaries of music. Yeah, you could take that funky drummer and give him back to James or you could stir fry him in your wok and make something even more delicious. Also, there isn’t isn’t a more joyous noise to make unto the Lord than screaming out, “NO! SLEEP! ‘TIL BROOKLYNNNNNN!” at the top of your lungs. Try it the next time you’re driving. You’ll see.

$20 Pocket Feeling Or, Holy Shit, I Love You Or, Dude. Stop Saying Things.

I got that $20 Pocket Feeling the other day.

Wait.
Wow.
That sounds really wrong.

Let me explain.

You know that feeling you get when you grab a jacket and find $20 in the pocket? It’s your money but you get excited about it anyway because hey! Free money!

That feeling.

I grabbed a random mix I made months ago, popped it into my CD player (what, dudes? I’m old-school….and for a really long time, I thought I lost my iPod, Little Big Bird so I had to start making mixes because the only thing worth listening to on the radio is NPR and Morning Edition doesn’t play music…but you know what’s amazing? The music section of the NPR website. You guys should check it out. Seriously, Tiny Desk Concerts is one of my favorite things ever) and the jaunty opening bassline of The Replacements’ Can’t Hardly Wait filled the car.

Immediately, my hips start to shimmy and I yell out, “Holy shit! I love this song!”

I forgot how good The Replacements are.

I can’t believe I forgot how good The Replacements are.

And how good this song is. Dudes, there’s a horn section. And Alex Chilton plays guitar on it. What more could a girl want?

Rediscovering this song put me in an excellent mood for the rest of the day.

This happens to me every now and then.

I’ll rediscover something I love – pears+blue cheese or Edward Hopper or the Go Fish episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which, admittedly, is actually a pretty crap episode but whatever. Swim Team Xander) – and it’ll spin me a little.

As much as I dig the discovery of new experiences, there’s something to be said about falling back in love with the old.

There’s something really comforting about it, too. Knowing that if you love something – like really love it in that grab-with-both-hands kinda way – it never really leaves you.

It’s always there, hanging out until you rediscover it and then, you get the chance to fall in love all over again.

Holy Shit! I Love You: The True Romance Edition

I’ve never been big on the romantic comedies.

They have their place in the pantheon and there is nothing wrong with watching The Notebook while folding laundry on a Sunday afternoon (he builds her a house! What more do you want, Rachel McAdams?! Baby Goose builds you a house!) but if I’m looking for a love story? Like a real love story? I’m going to with True Romance every time.

Directed by the late Tony Scott and written by Quentin Tarantino, True Romance is a 100% glurge-free love story. Violent and whip-smart, sexy and brutal, really well-written with a killer soundtrack and just so cool, so cool, so cool.

If you haven’t seen True Romance yet, this is what you’re going to do:

You are gonna grab someone you love. It doesn’t have to be your significant other. Grab your best friend, your sister, your dog or even your mom if she’s kind of a bad-ass and doesn’t mind a movie filled with profanity (225 instances of the word ‘fuck’ and its derivatives) and 21 deaths.

You’re gonna grab popcorn, pizza (the good stuff from the mom-and-pop joint) and beer (or a very large, very cold gin and tonic), turn down the lights, turn up the sound and watch the shit out of this movie.

You’re gonna marvel at how cool Christian Slater was and how you kinda sorta always wanted a boyfriend like Clarence Worley who would fanboy the fuck out about comic books and rock those bad-ass Elvis sunglasses and climb on a stack of phonebooks to kiss you.

You’re going to quote and re-quote the lines (“”I didn’t know it was white boy day” “Don’t condescend me, man…”), you’re going to fall in love with the prettiest soundtrack Hans Zimmer ever wrote and you’re going to gasp at just how many now-famous actors you recognize from this film.

And when the smoke clears and the end credits roll, you’re going to realize that no romantic comedy will ever be enough after this.

No matter what you watch, no-one will be as in love or as cool as Clarence and Alabama.

As always, Pajiba says it better than I ever could. Check out their review here.

Rest in Peace, Tony Scott. Thank you for True Romance and Beverly Hills Cop II. Both have factored into my life in a big way and I could not be more appreciative.

 

 

 

Holy Shit! I Love You!

1. The One With All The Hyperbole. You guys should check out Drea’s blog. She’s kinda awesome and the reason I now own this:

Thanks Drea and thanks Chronicle Books!

I entered a contest on her blog and won. Now, I’m planning to make all sorts of yummy vegan food…but dudes, you can have my goat cheese when you pry it out of my cold, lifeless hands. Can’t nobody tear us apart.

2. Anna Sun by Walk The Moon.

This is my new favorite song. It sounds like summer. Particularly cookouts in the back yard. It’s all longneck bottles of cold beer beading with condensation, the smell of smoke wafting on the warm breeze, flip-flops, bare shoulders, warm laughter and warmer weather.

I’ve been listening to it pretty much non-stop for the past week – windows down, volume up and hair blowing in the wind.

3. The Vegetarian Tasting Plate at Seasons 52.

I hate the fact that vegetarianism is often equated with those grayish-brown hockey pucks passed off as veggie burgers. I don’t understand why anyone would eat super-processed soy when they could eat vegetables.

That’s why I fell in love with the vegetarian tasting plate – quinoa with orange segments and cranberries, a soft taco with black beans served with an avocado-cilantro-lime dipping sauce, chili relleno with spinach and goat cheese, roasted tomato with cheese and balsamic drizzle, asparagus and roasted tofu with a mango chutney. I would have preferred eggplant to the tofu but man, that mango chutney was on the money. The same exact spices my mom uses…and that’s about the biggest compliment I could give to any chef.

Holy Shit! I Love You!

1. Jeremy Renner’s arms.

Dearly beloved, can we take a hot second to appreciate the magic and majesty that are Jeremy Renner’s biceps? His arms are pretty much the only reason I’ll be seeing the new Bourne movie.

2. The Following Lush Products

No Drought Dry Shampoo
Lust Soap
Lustre Dust
Shimmy Shimmy Massage Bar

Lately, I’ve gotten really lazy on the weekends. The whole blowdrying/flat-ironing routine I’m a slave to during the week gets chucked and I usually just throw my hair into two braids and stuff it under a Phillies hat.

Yeah, I’m not cute on the weekends. Oh and that disgruntled dipshit expression on my face? It’s because I just saw Cristiano Ronaldo on TV. Eff that kid.

When the hat option/looking like a child doesn’t work, I just sprinkle some No Drought in my hair and tousle. Soaks up the oil, makes your hair smell like a lemon bar and gives it a little texture so it looks kinda decent when you throw it up into a messy bun.

When I bought the No Drought, I got a sample of Lust soap. It made my entire bathroom smell like jasmine, so I had to go out and purchase a giant hunk of it. I love it and using it makes me feel like Princess Jasmine. Sans tiger…and homeless boyfriend.

The Shimmy Shimmy bar and the Lustre dust? Too much and you’ll look like you engaged in coitus with Ke$ha, but the right amount and you’ll not only shimmer like a girl (sidebar: Totally still wanna be a Volcano Girl. It’s the pipe-dream that won’t die) but you’ll smell yummy. Yes. Yummy.

3. Brian Wilson

Katie, Me-Me, Jim and I went to see The Beach Boys last night (thanks guys! Love y’all!) and it was humbling to be in the presence of such genius. Brian Wilson is responsible for creating some of the most gorgeous, lush melodies the world has ever heard. He breathed into life the kind of pretty, wide-eyed wonder that comes to you in dreams. And I got to sit in this man’s presence, gaze up and soak in the music. I never thought I would ever be lucky enough to hear Wouldn’t It Be Nice? performed live but I did last night and it was a pretty perfect moment. My life is a little better for having experienced this.

Holy Shit, I Love You! Or, Five Things I Love Right Now: A Classy Version of HSILY

Drea is much classier than me and instead of casually cursing when announcing how much she loves something, she does it eloquently and features pretty pictures.

So, for this round of HSILY, I figured I’d follow her example.

1. The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan.

He writes about love with humor, honesty and grace…which is pretty much the way love should go. I was first introduced to his work when I read Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest of his work.

2. Popcorn

Thanks to the lovely ladies at We Are Not Martha, I learned that popcorn has more antioxidants than fruit. I don’t believe in that microwave crap that gives you black lung, so I make popcorn the way all women in my family do — popped on the stove and seasoned with cumin, chili powder, salt and sugar.

3. The smell of grass

I’m turning into a hippie or something. All I want is a grassy backyard, warm weather, dogs running around and a wheatgrass smoothie gin and tonic with lots of fresh lime.

4. Warm Krispy Kreme Glazed Donuts.

I don’t really like sweet breakfasts. I’d much rather chow down on a well-toasted buttery bagel or hash browns and eggs doused in Cholula, but there is one exception – a medium iced coffee and one warm Krispy Kreme glazed donut. It is as comforting as a mother’s love in a cold and unforgiving world. And if that sounds like hyperbole, you’ve never eaten a warm Krispy Kreme glazed donut.

5. Sons of Anarchy

I just finished the first season and I’m hooked for four reasons

- It’s a modern day take on Hamlet. Strong performances, strong writing and a hell of a strong foundation from which to build.
- Amazing soundtrack. Granted, I’ve been dipping my toe into the bluegrass/country pool as of late but Forever Young by Audra Mae and John The Revelator by Curtis Stigers are incredible pieces of music, regardless of genre.
- Its connection to The Shield — one of the finest dramas ever created. SOA and The Shield apparently take place in the same universe, both shows feature a lot of the same actors and showrunner Kurt Sutter worked as an executive producer on The Shield.
- Charlie Hunnam – loved him as Lloyd in Freaks and Geeks; love him as Jax Teller.

Holy Shit, I Love You, Or The Dave Grohl Edition

Dave Grohl is a unicorn.

He’s mindblowingly talented, funny, charming, down-to-earth, gainfully employed and easy on the eyes.

Yeah. All of that. Present in one really decent body.

His blood may not sustain Volde…I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I don’t see a giant horn in the middle of his forehead, but based on the aforementioned, dude’s gotta be a mythical beast, right?

So in honor of my favorite (living) rock star – here are five reasons I love Dave Grohl (holy shit)

1. Mindblowing talent. I’m not going to rundown the litany of his accomplishments or the list of people he’s worked with because it would take forever. I’m just going to ask that you check this out:

The urgency of that guitar – its fingerprints pressing indelibly into your flesh, the drums that sound like mastodons stampeding through a valley of bones and those throaty, raw vocals. The drummer did this, dudes. The drummer.

2. Look at him.

All scruffy and sexy with the tattoos and the hair. He’s got the hot band guy/rock god thing down.

And then, he double-downs on it with that wide and easy grin.

I can’t even, Mr. Grohl. I cannot even.

3. The miner story. If you haven’t already heard it, here’s a bare bones version:

There was a mine collapse in Tasmania, Australia and the trapped miners requested an iPod loaded with the Foo album, In Your Honor. Our boy Dave gets word of this and faxes a note to be given to them:

“Though I’m halfway around the world right now, my heart is with you both, and I want you to know that when you come home, there’s two tickets to any Foos show, anywhere, and two cold beers waiting for yous. Deal?”

A couple of months later, one of the miners takes Dave up on his offer and meets him for a drink after the show.

Wait. It gets even better.

On the band’s next album, Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace – Grohl wrote an instrumental tribute to the miners entitled Ballad Of The Beaconsfield Miners. And damn, it’s pretty.

4. He loves music. Like deep-in-his-bones DG+M=4EVER love. From the thunder and fury of Motorhead to the ethereal and moonlit prettiness of Norah Jones. And he gets it. The magic woven into notes and chords. He gets that the right song at the right time can help save the world, get the girl and change your life.

5. He seems like he’s a good dad. Case in point:

Kids don’t care about Grammys or the fact that you’ve played onstage with living legends. You know what they care about? When you’re gonna hook their ass up with a smoothie. Oh and if you’ll do the voices when you read the bedtime story.

So, to Dave Grohl — a fucking unicorn of a man who pounds the skins with the fury of an enraged god, has a voicebox made of blood, salt, iron and honey and would totally split a pitcher and pie with you?

Holy shit, I love you.

Holy Shit, I Love You!

I’m having a day, right?

I’ve basically regressed into a whiny seven-year-old and I’m just not having any of it.

My everything hurts. I feel like hyperactive children used my back as a bouncy castle while I was sleeping.

I managed to give myself like, seventeen papercuts and stabbed my cuticles several times.

My ear is still blocked up because y’know, there’s a fucking hole in it. Sorry – I’m just a little worked up about the fact that I have a ruptured ear drum.

Little Big Bird died this morning (LBB is my iPod and he chose to croak right as I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. Late-era Dashboard where he goes electric and develops a sense of humor).

And then, I read this article which both broke my heart and incensed me.

Then, I read this and just….No. I will go crazy and drag everyone with me if this gets off the ground.

Just…Yeah. It’s been a day.

So in the interest of not completely morphing into a sore-headed old crank that nobody likes, I have done the following:

A) Taken a Butterball-infused bath. Obviously, I’m talking about using a Lush bath bomb. I’m not going to huck a frozen turkey in the tub with me. That would be weird. And gross. And unsanitary.
B) Worked on a couple of care packages.
C) Painted my nails
D) Create another Holy Shit, I Love You list to remind myself that good things exist in this world and you’ve got to take happiness wherever you might find it.

So, here is a list of things I currently love (holy shit) that you should check out too:

- Jack’s Mannequin’s Instagram gallery.

- Kate Spade’s Instagram gallery

- Ruth Reichl’s twitter – The most poetic and evocative 140 characters you’ll read about food anywhere.

- Stephen Colbert’s interview with Maurice Sendak, author of Where The Wild Things Are.

- Gary Oldman recapping Jersey Shore. Gary Oldman is my homeboy. And if he doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Male Performance, I will legit go Shoshanna Dreyfus and burn down every movie theater in the country.

- An Open Letter From Comic Sans.

- Getting an Obama 2012 bumper sticker in the mail.

Oh and speaking of my president, THIS. A million times this.

Acute Sinusitis Ain’t So Cute Or, Holy Shit I Love You (with some serious backstory)

I’m driving home from work on Friday afternoon and start to feel like Mike Tyson smashed my left ear with a tire iron. So, I call Paps and complain about having an ear ache.

Me: I have this really bad ear ache. I haven’t had one in twenty years and this really hurts.
Paps: Take some olive oil and warm it up….
Me (cutting him off): I didn’t ask how to make a delicious Italian appetizer. I’m telling you I’m in pain.

(Sorry for being an asshole, Paps. It’s no excuse but I was in pain, cold and talking while driving…and driving in the Philly suburbs is one giant game of, ‘Holy Shit! Don’t Hit That Deer!’)

I hang up and decide to call Augs’ mom who’s been a nurse for over 30 years.

Me: I have this ear ache…
Augs’ Mom: Go to the doctor.
Me: No, I just need to know which medicine…
Augs’ Mom: If it’s near your head or your feet, you go to the doctor.

So, I go to the doctor and she says, “I’m glad you came in. The inside of your ear is really red and swollen.” Then, she gives me pills, spray and drops and I decide I want to be Mrs. Dr.

Yesterday morning, I awoke to discover I had completely lost my voice (which sucked because it meant I couldn’t yell epithets at Tom Brady during the Pats-Broncos game) and have spent the rest of the weekend in my pajama pants and hoodie, making hoarse bleating noises and hoping against hope that I feel better.

Medical regimen, quality time with Bear and numerous cups of tea + sesame bagels with butter and lots of honey

So, in the hopes of helping me to feel better, here is the first Holy Shit, I Love You of 2012 – five things that I am in love with that you should be in love with as well.

1. Lush’s Charity Pot – It is the dead of winter and my hands are as soft as baby lambs wearing $800 suede jackets. All thanks to the cosmetic wizards at Lush . Charity Pot is the best moisturizer I’ve ever bought, it smells yummy (cocoa butter and geranium) and proceeds go towards charity. Pick some up. It’s pretty fabulous.

2. Mediterranean Food – If it were legal for a girl to marry a falafel sandwich, I would be the first one down at City Hall. There’s this place by my office that sells the world’s most delicious, enormous pitas filled with crunchy, garlicky falafel, creamy hummus, zingy sumac onions and this bright green parsley herb sauce that I want to inject directly into bloodstream.

3. Organix Coconut Milk Conditioner – My hair feels great and better still, it smells like a coconut cream pie shake from Sonic. Note to self: Do not drink conditioner. Second note to self: Procure Coconut Cream Pie Milkshake.

4. Honey – Last night, I’m pretty sure I almost coughed up a lung. I had a legit coughing fit where I hunched over, turned purple and made noises that would terrify children, small domestic animals and a majority of medical professionals. My abs hurt today as a result. And then, I remembered the glory that is honey. It soothes your throat. It tastes great in tea and drizzled on buttery bagels and it comes in a cute bear! (Also, I call Augs ‘honeybear’ so there’s that.)

5. Sparkplug Minuet by Mark Mothersbaugh from The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack – I forget how pretty this  is until I hear it. And then, I marvel at how buoyant a piece of music can make a person feel. Listen to this perfect piece of music. Feel light. Be happy.