My relationship with Dana can be summed up in seven words: Shit, piss….
Those are the seven words you can’t say on television.
The seven words that crystallize our friendship are: “I’ll do it if you do it.”
This applies to pretty much anything from ordering the cheese plate to public dance lessons to creative endeavors.
As a result of this, not only am I lucky enough to have an amazing friendship with someone I love and respect, but I also have a partner for my next million dollar idea. Allow me to present it to you via the magic of the actual conversation we had today:
Me: I have this awesome idea that is going to make us MILLIONS of dollars. I debuted it to Biffle last night and once he stopped hating his life because I’m in it, I think he decided to be on board.
Dana: What is it?
Me: So, I can’t dance for shit, right? Like, I am a legit awful, terrible dancer. But that doesn’t matter because we’re gonna start a strip club.
[Calm down. It's not what you think]
But before you can get in to the club itself, you have to walk through the foyer. And that’s where I’ll be – dancing away, totally un-rhythmically to music that no-one should ever dance to – like the Day-O song.
“Oh, what’s that? You wanna get in to see the smoking hot girls we have in our club? You’re gonna have to pay me to stop dancing.”
I’m like Gandalf — “YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS…Unless you give me $20 to stop flailing around like a muppet having a seizure.”
[I really do. There's a lot of flailing and uncoordinated movements and surprised face happening. Elaine Benes dances better than I do. Seriously. I look like this:]
Dana: I can help with the bad dancing.
[See? Already. My girl is there for me]
Dana: My favorite move is the pelvic thrust.
Me: YES! Do you make grunting noises?
[This noise is especially attractive when I make it in person]
Dana: I’m also very handsy.
Me: I was dancing last night on Skype with Biffle and he literally looked like someone was serving him a shit pie. Like, “Why? Which God did I anger to have this happen in my life? Please stop doing that….”
Dana: Hahaha. If I drink a little bit, I can move better. It looks less like a seizure. We can be the lobby dancers in the strip club. It’s like a step lower than the weekday-afternoon crew.
[Weekday. Afternoon. Crew. I just wanted to point that out because it's hilarious and so true. Oh, what? I've seen Showgirls on VH1. I know how this works]
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be fully clothed while doing this. Thus making the experience EVEN WORSE for all those watching – “Why is she doing that while wearing a parka?”
Dana: YEAH! I’m gonna wear like, rain boots or something. Galoshes. There’s nothing less sexy than galoshes.
Me: YES! Best usage of the term ‘galoshes’ ever! No make-up, hair up in a greasy bun, spaghetti stain on my cardigan. So hot, dude. So hot.
I think this could be a big success. Especially considering most of our Google+ conversations usually end up with us looking like this:
I was going to post a video of my dancing just to prove how truly awful I am but yeah…I still have some tiny semblance of dignity and knowing my luck, it would become a thing, so instead — I decided to throw a little happiness out into the world. Well, for straight women and gay men, anyway.
Ladies and gentlemen – Channing Tatum dancing to Ginuwine’s The Pony in Magic Mike.
I KNOW, DUDES. I KNOW. Yeah. You’re welcome.