Monday Morning Quarterback: The Oscars Edition

I went with my gut when it came to my Oscar picks and in the immortal words of High Fidelity’s Rob Gordon, “My gut has shit for brains.”

Before we get to my miserable track record, let’s run down a few highlights and low points, shall we?

Highlights:

- Robert Downey Jr. calling writers, “sickly little mole people.” I think we’ve found next year’s host.
- Penelope Cruz’s fabulous claret-colored Donna Karen. In my next life, I want to come back as a gorgeous Spanish woman with bedroom eyes and a lilting accent.
- Ryan Bingham’s acceptance speech — “I love you more than rainbows, baby.” In print, it looks a little ridiculous but imagine it with a southern accent. My heart essentially stopped. (I am all about accents).
- James Taylor’s achingly pretty cover of In My Life.
- The John Hughes tribute.
- Tom Hanks. Every little thing he does is magic.

Low Points:

- Miley Cyrus totally throwing Amanda Seyfried under the bus. “We’re a little nervous?” If I was Seyfried, I would have immediately shot back, “Umm, no Bucktooth. You’re a little nervous. I’m a professional.”
- Scenes from Twilight being featured in the horror movie montage. The scariest thing about that movie is how bad it is.
- Augs’ reaction to my reaction to Ryan Bingham. An incredulous look followed by, “Really? Rainbows?! Really?”
- The fact that 80% of the Brat Pack are aging in terrifying ways.
- Gum chewing at the Oscars. Verboted unless you’re Jack Nicholson. He can get away with anything.
- Clavicles sharp enough to cut glass. Ladies, I realize you’re all taking cues from Kate Moss’ whole, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” thing, but trust me — she’s wrong and a good majority of you broads are in serious need of a sandwich.

Now, onto my utterly crap track record:

Actor in a Leading Role:

Prediction: Morgan Freeman
Winner: Jeff Bridges
Comments: In retrospect, which idiot goes against The Dude? I mean, seriously?

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Prediction: Christoph Waltz
Winner: Christoph Waltz
Comments: A pretty obvious pick, but that didn’t stop me from crowing about my win. I’m not a gracious winner.

Actress in a Leading Role:

Prediction: Meryl Streep
Winner: Sandra Bullock
Comment: Dude, I want to take Sandra Bullock home to my mom. Any actress that wins both a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year? My kind of girl.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

Prediction: Mo’Nique
Winner: Mo’Nique
Comment: I love the flower in her hair and the fact that Mo’Nique wore it as tribute to Hattie McDaniel, the first African-American to win an Oscar.

Animated Feature Film

Prediction: Coraline
Winner: Up
Comments: Never go up against Pixar. You will not win.

Art Direction

Prediction: Sherlock Holmes
Winner: Avatar
Comments: I forgot all about that stupid glowing Tree of Life, ergo the epic gaffe here.

Cinematography

Prediction: Inglourious Basterds
Winner: Avatar
Comments: For those in the cheap seats, let me reiterate just how stupid my gut is.

Costume Design

Prediction: The Young Victoria
Winner: The Young Victoria
Comments: Ha! I told you! Risking apnea by squeezing people into corsets always equals Oscar.

Directing

Prediction: Kathryn Bigelow
Winner: Kathryn Bigelow
Comments: First female director to win an Academy Award. Congratulations! So far, I’ve got a 44% accuracy rate. That’s pretty grim.

Documentary (Feature)

Prediction: Food, Inc.
Winner: The Cove
Comments: Minkowski won an Oscar! That’s awesome. Had I known about his involvement in this documentary, I totally would have picked him.

Make Up

Prediction: Star Trek
Winner: Star Trek
Comments: What did I say? Green Girl = Gold Man.

Music (Original Score)

Prediction: Up
Winner: Up
Comments: Yay! More Lost-affiliated wins!

Music (Original Song)

Prediction: The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)
Winner: The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)
Comments: More. Than. Rainbows. I’m sorry, but that’s the goddamn sweetest thing I have ever heard. I’m a Southern girl at heart and love ridiculous sentimentalities like this. Seriously — guy calls me ‘Buttercup’ or ‘Sweet Pea’ or ‘Ladybug’ and I’ll fall madly in love with him. Yep. I’m a sucker.

Best Picture

Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Comments: I really need to Netflix this movie.

Short Film (Animated)

Prediction: A Matter of Loaf and Death
Winner: Logorama
Comments: This actually looked really inventive and clever, so I’m glad it won. My heart still belongs to Wallace and Gromit, though.

Visual Effects

Prediction: Avatar
Winner: Avatar
Comments: You’d have to be a fool to not call it for Clone Wars: Thundercats.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Prediction: Precious
Winner: Precious
Comments: They couldn’t find a better clip to exemplify the movie’s writing? Really? No brilliant soliloquy? Instead, we watch the protagonist abscond with a bucket of extra crispy?

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Comments: Ha! That’s two for two on the writing awards. Sickly Mole People FTW!

Final tally: 11/18 or roughly 61% which, if we’re going by academic standards is a solid F. Fantastic.

Lazy (Oscar) Sunday

Welcome to Oscar Night at Casa Augs!

Before we get to my picks (utterly worthless in essentially every sense of the word), let me say a few things:

- Miley Cyrus should not be allowed near the Kodak Theater on Oscar night. She’s an talentless hack.
- I’m a fan of Alec Baldwin but not so much of Steve Martin. When it comes to old-school SNL alum, I’ve always been a Murray kinda gal.
- 10 films? Really, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? That doesn’t seem a bit excessive to you? No? Ok….

Actor in a Leading Role:

Morgan Freeman in “Invictus” — I know. I know. There’s a lot of buzz around Jeff Bridges for his performance in Crazy Heart, but you know what? My gut’s telling me to pick the guy who played Nelson Mandela.

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds” — Alternately charismatic and terrifying, Waltz was the best part of the movie. He stole every scene he was in and I really hope that he and Tarantino work together again soon.

Actress in a Leading Role:

Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia” — Meryl Streep was Julia Childs. I know, I know — Gabby Sidibe is amazing and gives a powerhouse performance, but again, I’m going with my gut….which is a pretty good idea considering this is foodie movie.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” — It’s bound to happen and although I haven’t seen Precious yet (I’m scared to — I know that there’s an overarching theme of hope and overcoming insurmountable odds, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle that kind of brutality), I’m pretty certain that Sandra Bullock wasn’t nearly as powerful as Mo’Nique.

Animated Feature Film

“Coraline” Henry Selick — Neil Gaiman is pretty legendary and when you couple him with the film’s gorgeous and detail-oriented animation, it might just be enough to edge out Pixar.

Art Direction

“Sherlock Holmes” Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer — Call it a hunch (see why I prefaced these picks with “utterly worthless.”

Cinematography

“Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson — The final scene in the theater clinches it for me.

Costume Design

“The Young Victoria” Sandy Powell – Hollywood loves costume dramas. Squeezing people into corsets at the risk of apnea = little gold man.

Directing

“The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow — Did you know that Bigelow and James Cameron were married once upon a time? I’m totally calling it for Bigelow. Yes, Cameron was King of the World back in 1998 but the world’s a different place now.

Documentary (Feature)

“Food, Inc.” Robert Kenner and Elise Pearlstein — It’s one of the buzziest movies of the year and has really changed the way people look at food and farming. Hopefully, that’ll have some weight when it comes to clinching the little gold statuette.

Make Up

“Star Trek” Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow — Green Girl = Gold Man.

Music (Original Score)

“Up” Michael Giacchino — Totally biased because Giacchino does the music for Lost.

Music (Original Song)

“The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)” from “Crazy Heart” Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett — Mathematically, Disney has the better shot (two nominations, both for The Princess and The Frog but this is a far superior song.

Best Picture

“The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow, Mark Boal, Nicolas Chartier and Greg Shapiro, Producers — Although Nicolas Chartier has been banned from attending, I still think that The Hurt Locker will win for Best Picture. Yes, Avatar was visually stunning but let’s face it — the movie is fucking Captain Planet with Cats.

Short Film (Animated)

“A Matter of Loaf and Death” Nick Park — Nobody does plasticine animation better than Nick Park. Viva le Wallace and Gromit!

Visual Effects

“Avatar” Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones — This one’s a cert. The Oscar is going to Clone Wars: Thundercats.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher — Reitman’s got a really good shot for Up In The Air, but think that Fletcher will walk away with the award.

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“The Hurt Locker” Written by Mark Boal — It’s topical, controversial and really well-written. Sounds like an Oscar winner to me.