It’s been over a year so once again, I’m carefully peeling back the laminate and updating the list.
There have been some changes over the past year and I was actually sad to see a couple of contenders go. I love Bradley Whitford and will always want to bring him the finest muffins and bagels in all the land, but this year – he didn’t make the list. However, if he ends up playing a Lyman-esque character on The Newsroom – dude is number two with a bullet again.
I was also sad to see Dave Grohl go, but I realized this year that I don’t want to be his girlfriend so much as I want to hang out with him, eat pizza and geek out about music.
Tim Riggins almost made the cut, but then I realized Tim Riggins is a fictional character and the odds of meeting him and making him fall in love with me are pretty slim, so y’know, probably a bad idea to put him on the list.
We should look at a picture of him anyway, though.
Yeah. I could handle two-a-days with Threes.
Let’s peel back the laminate and get to the list. Straight women and gay men — you’re welcome.
5. Jeremy Renner
Why He Makes The Cut: His arms and his butt. Dudes, Dana sent me this picture today and my response was, “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL HUMAN PEOPLE.” I am shallow and good arms are my new favorite thing. I’m pretty sure that when Jeremy Renner wears a form-fitting t-shirt, he’s doing his part to make humanity better.
4. Timothy Olyphant
Why He Makes The Cut: He’s Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens. That says it all. He’s the coolest man to wear a cowboy hat since James Dean in Giant and Justified is the only show on television I must watch live. I once made a cup of coffee at 10:30pm so I could stay up and finish the episode.
Olyphant is gorgeous, talented, has a great accent he uses to delivers some fan-fucking-tastic lines (“Me and dead owls. Don’t give a hoot”) and basically, he’s so cool, he’s so cool, he’s so cool.
3. Brian Fallon
Why He Makes The Cut: Oh, what’s that, Brian Fallon? You wear Chucks, have cool tattoos, play guitar, are gonna write me a song where you call me ‘honey’ and whisper lyrics a little bit and Bruce Springsteen’s a fan of your music? Yeah — so here’s my social security number, all my bank information, keys to everything ever and oh yeah, my heart. Just go right ahead and take ‘em.
2. Joseph Gordon Levitt
Why He Makes The Cut: I’ve had a crush on this guy since he was Cameron in 10 Things I Hate About You. Of course, he’s really good-looking (he’s got the sweetest crinkly smile) but more so than that – he’s interesting. He sings, acts, plays guitar and creates collaborative art. I’m a sucker for a man who can tell a story and I feel like JGL’s got a whole novel of ‘em in him.
1. Ron Livingston
Why He Makes The Cut: You would think after a solid fifteen years, my crush would wane a little. Nope! Livingston is still the most gorgeous specimen humanity has ever produced. Think about how many people have ever lived. Ron Livingston is better-looking than all of them…except maybe Paul Newman.
I finally watched Band of Brothers this year and realized three things:
A) It’s a phenomenal series and I’ve never gotten so emotionally attached to a group of characters so quickly (as much as I loved Nix, my favorite character was Roe).
B) No-one should watch a Ron Livingston project with me because I cannot go more than three minutes without making some sort of exclamation/incredibly filthy comment. I know. I know. I should be ashamed but I’m not (sorry Mrs. Livingston. Your husband is really good-looking).
C) Ron Livingston’s video diary just heightened my crush. He’s just so charming. The man is funny and sweet and I am so glad I will never, ever meet him because doing so would turn me into a babbling idiot…who would quite possibly have some sort of massive coronary.
So, those are the men on my list. The 2012 All Stars.
Who’s on your list?