Welcome to the Ex Games!
The Real World (and now defunct Road Rules) is about one thing. No, not exploring new places and cultures while learning about the multifaceted pastiche that is America. It’s about swapping as much bodily fluid as possible, So the 22nd season kicks off with 24 human petri dishes looking to win big.
At the center of this shitstorm of cray is host and champion BMXer, TJ Lavin. For those new to the Recapstasy – we love Teej, Our boy is sane, rational, fair and the best person on the show. If I may be so bold as to bite from Fitzgerald, Teej believes in you as you would like to believe in yourself. And nowhere is this more evident than when he says, “You killed it!”
Contestants are covered in this post, fake fantasy (Team Dirty Half Dozen) is covered here and as for the game itself? The song remains the same:
All contestants participate in a Challenge.
Winners of the Challenge gain immunity and celebrate by vodka-punching their liver.
Losers of the Challenge (and a team picked by the winners) are thrown into The Dome — a winner-takes-all battle royale whose name is meant to evoke imagery of Thunderdome…or Mark Long’s receding hair line.
Dome winners get to stay and play another day; losers pack their bags and head home. Maybe there’s some hate sex thrown in there too. I don’t know.
Everyone up to speed? Alright, let’s get down to business.
The cast lands in the land of easy divorce – the Dominican Republic – and gather in The Dome to partner up.
Immediately, Jasmine and Tyrie start sniping at each other, Leroy admits to being scared of Naomi, which makes sense because she’s pretty explicit about her desire to murder Leroy and any girl with whom he hooks up and Mandi says she doesn’t plan on kissing anything but the final paycheck. That’s cute, Blondie but we all know that’s not true because dude, you dated Wes! Standards — you do not has them, Mandi.
Teej explains the stakes:
First place goes home with $150K
Second place earn a cool $100K
Third place earn $40K.
The house is lush and decorated with framed photographs of each couple. Some are sweet and some, like the one of Wes and Mandi actually engaging in intercourse are just gross. Oh, not because of the act. More because the idea of Wes copulating with anyone/thing is enough to inspire a Tim Gunn-ian vow of celibacy, if not a mad desire to plunge your genitals into lye.
Too much? Too much.
Onto the Challenge!
Challenge: Give Me Some Honey
Two platforms suspended above the water and connected by a beam.
The contestants have 10 minutes to transfer honey from a bathtub to a container using only their bodies. So basically, the cast mates are to slather themselves in the honey, slip-and-slide across the beam to the other platform where their teammate is waiting to scrub all the honey off into a pot. Then, they switch it up.
Unlike previous challenges, falling into the water does not result in an immediate disqualification.
Yeah. It’s just as disgusting as it sounds and is ruining honey for me. Wait, is that Kenny? No? OK, back to being disgusted again.
Before the challenge starts, CT tells Diem that he’s going to molest her when they get up there in order to procure a win. You know what? Here, take my purse. Just please don’t hurt me, CT.
The game gets under way and the contestants are doing way better than I expected. Zito and Heather scare the vets by performing really well and Dustin busts out with, “This is way thicker than I thought it would be.” I get the feeling he’s said that sentence before. Mark and Robin fill the entire bucket before the time limit expires and CT almost falls off the beam but is saved by his “cat-like reflexes.” The same cannot be said for Nate whose chunky butt falls off the beam four times and you know what that means.
Teams Bananas+Camilla and Mark+Paula go head to head to determine who will be the power couple.
Bananas and Camilla win the challenge easily and even better, Camilla gets some serious love from Teej who proclaims her to be tough.
Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla
Challenge Losers: Nate and Priscilla
And now, my favorite part of the game – the politicking.
Wes wants to get under Camilla’s skin and read her like a book. Nice mixed metaphor there, Gingerbread. Unfortunately, Wes is a moron and doesn’t play “the game” nearly as well as Bananas and gets shut the fuck down, leading him to be mad at his mouth.
Yes, he actually said that.
Dome Contestants: Nate and Priscilla versus Wes and Mandi. Holy shit, Bananas. Way to destroy your enemy alliance right off the bat.
Dome Challenge: X Knocks The Spot.
The goal is to jump and duck to avoid being knocked off a platform by a slowly rotating fan blade.
Priscilla gets knocked off early, leaving Nate to shoulder this burden all on his lonesome. He’s going to go until he dies, though….until he gets bumped off 15 minutes later.
Adios San Diegans. You stay classy.
Dome Winners: Wes and Mandi
Back at the house, CT and Diem are having a serious discussion about their relationship. Lots of messy feelings there and I’m sure they’ll come to a head soon enough.
The Dirty Half Dozen are off to a lame start. All points this week were accrued by the Ginger Ninja himself:
Winning the elimination challenge: +10 (Wes)
References to “The Game”: +5 (Wes)
A grand total of 15. Man, I miss Adam R. Why they hell aren’t he and Nany on this show? I would be swimming in points.
Quote of the Week: “Can someone please kill me in my sleep so I don’t have to do the Challenge tomorrow?” — Naomi.
Obviously, girl is in it to win it.