Monday Morning Quarterback: The Oscars Edition

I went with my gut when it came to my Oscar picks and in the immortal words of High Fidelity’s Rob Gordon, “My gut has shit for brains.”

Before we get to my miserable track record, let’s run down a few highlights and low points, shall we?

Highlights:

– Robert Downey Jr. calling writers, “sickly little mole people.” I think we’ve found next year’s host.
– Penelope Cruz’s fabulous claret-colored Donna Karen. In my next life, I want to come back as a gorgeous Spanish woman with bedroom eyes and a lilting accent.
– Ryan Bingham’s acceptance speech — “I love you more than rainbows, baby.” In print, it looks a little ridiculous but imagine it with a southern accent. My heart essentially stopped. (I am all about accents).
– James Taylor’s achingly pretty cover of In My Life.
– The John Hughes tribute.
– Tom Hanks. Every little thing he does is magic.

Low Points:

– Miley Cyrus totally throwing Amanda Seyfried under the bus. “We’re a little nervous?” If I was Seyfried, I would have immediately shot back, “Umm, no Bucktooth. You’re a little nervous. I’m a professional.”
– Scenes from Twilight being featured in the horror movie montage. The scariest thing about that movie is how bad it is.
– Augs’ reaction to my reaction to Ryan Bingham. An incredulous look followed by, “Really? Rainbows?! Really?”
– The fact that 80% of the Brat Pack are aging in terrifying ways.
– Gum chewing at the Oscars. Verboted unless you’re Jack Nicholson. He can get away with anything.
– Clavicles sharp enough to cut glass. Ladies, I realize you’re all taking cues from Kate Moss’ whole, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” thing, but trust me — she’s wrong and a good majority of you broads are in serious need of a sandwich.

Now, onto my utterly crap track record:

Actor in a Leading Role:

Prediction: Morgan Freeman
Winner: Jeff Bridges
Comments: In retrospect, which idiot goes against The Dude? I mean, seriously?

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Prediction: Christoph Waltz
Winner: Christoph Waltz
Comments: A pretty obvious pick, but that didn’t stop me from crowing about my win. I’m not a gracious winner.

Actress in a Leading Role:

Prediction: Meryl Streep
Winner: Sandra Bullock
Comment: Dude, I want to take Sandra Bullock home to my mom. Any actress that wins both a Razzie and an Oscar in the same year? My kind of girl.

Actress in a Supporting Role:

Prediction: Mo’Nique
Winner: Mo’Nique
Comment: I love the flower in her hair and the fact that Mo’Nique wore it as tribute to Hattie McDaniel, the first African-American to win an Oscar.

Animated Feature Film

Prediction: Coraline
Winner: Up
Comments: Never go up against Pixar. You will not win.

Art Direction

Prediction: Sherlock Holmes
Winner: Avatar
Comments: I forgot all about that stupid glowing Tree of Life, ergo the epic gaffe here.

Cinematography

Prediction: Inglourious Basterds
Winner: Avatar
Comments: For those in the cheap seats, let me reiterate just how stupid my gut is.

Costume Design

Prediction: The Young Victoria
Winner: The Young Victoria
Comments: Ha! I told you! Risking apnea by squeezing people into corsets always equals Oscar.

Directing

Prediction: Kathryn Bigelow
Winner: Kathryn Bigelow
Comments: First female director to win an Academy Award. Congratulations! So far, I’ve got a 44% accuracy rate. That’s pretty grim.

Documentary (Feature)

Prediction: Food, Inc.
Winner: The Cove
Comments: Minkowski won an Oscar! That’s awesome. Had I known about his involvement in this documentary, I totally would have picked him.

Make Up

Prediction: Star Trek
Winner: Star Trek
Comments: What did I say? Green Girl = Gold Man.

Music (Original Score)

Prediction: Up
Winner: Up
Comments: Yay! More Lost-affiliated wins!

Music (Original Song)

Prediction: The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)
Winner: The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)
Comments: More. Than. Rainbows. I’m sorry, but that’s the goddamn sweetest thing I have ever heard. I’m a Southern girl at heart and love ridiculous sentimentalities like this. Seriously — guy calls me ‘Buttercup’ or ‘Sweet Pea’ or ‘Ladybug’ and I’ll fall madly in love with him. Yep. I’m a sucker.

Best Picture

Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Comments: I really need to Netflix this movie.

Short Film (Animated)

Prediction: A Matter of Loaf and Death
Winner: Logorama
Comments: This actually looked really inventive and clever, so I’m glad it won. My heart still belongs to Wallace and Gromit, though.

Visual Effects

Prediction: Avatar
Winner: Avatar
Comments: You’d have to be a fool to not call it for Clone Wars: Thundercats.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Prediction: Precious
Winner: Precious
Comments: They couldn’t find a better clip to exemplify the movie’s writing? Really? No brilliant soliloquy? Instead, we watch the protagonist abscond with a bucket of extra crispy?

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Prediction: The Hurt Locker
Winner: The Hurt Locker
Comments: Ha! That’s two for two on the writing awards. Sickly Mole People FTW!

Final tally: 11/18 or roughly 61% which, if we’re going by academic standards is a solid F. Fantastic.

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2 thoughts on “Monday Morning Quarterback: The Oscars Edition

  1. My predictions fared slightly better, but that’s because I based them on who won at the SAG awards. Although I was a little surprised that Sandra Bullock took home the Oscar. But she gave a great speech. It was sort of comedic that they allowed the top billing awards to go on and on forever, and everyone else was cut off at 45 seconds exactly.

    “In retrospect, which idiot goes against The Dude? I mean, seriously?” I love Jeff Bridges. He is a cool guy.

    I love the Up score. Please watch The Hurt Locker – it is so good. I’ll make sure to catch The Cove. (Reaction: “The guy from Lost made that movie!?”)

  2. See, that’s what I should have done but instead, I decided to be a rebel and zig instead of zag. Next year, I’m totally changing up my game plan.

    I loved Sandra Bullock’s speech. Especially the bit about riding in cars with boys. That was classic.

    We had the same reaction to The Cove. “Is that…Is that Minkowski?! Losties are making documentaries now?!”

    Speaking of — SO stoked about tonight’s episode!

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