Dear 17-Year-Old Jaime:
Hey! It’s me — your decade-older counterpart chiming in for a quick chat.
So, I just got a battery of Facebook messages (It’s like an online yearbook used primarily for social networking stalking people and growing digital crops. You’ll dislike it but find yourself unable to disengage because it makes communication easier and because you’re kinda of a judgmental a-hole) about our 10 Year High School Reunion.
Yeah, you’re that old now.
Dude, please stop making the face. Not only is it wildly unattractive, but I fear something might fly into our eye and cause permanent damage. Our vision isn’t so hot to begin with and I really don’t need you mucking it up further.
Anyway — high school reunion. It’s happening this summer and right now, I’m in two minds whether I want to attend.
So, we’re going to make like Mick and Keef and do a little Point/Counterpoint (references to classic SNL sketches will always be cool. Always). You ready? Here we go:
17 Year Old Jaime: You’re like, 64% less gawky than you were in high school. And 62.5% of that can be attributed to your prodigious flat iron usage.
Present Day Jaime: I would like to rebut with a three-fold answer:
1. 64%? Who taught you math? Low 80s at least. At least.
3. Who are you trying to impress? The lunkheads you went to school with? Come on, dude. Seriously?
17-Year-Old Jaime: You get to spend quality time in Florida.
Present Day Jaime: I have to book a flight, take time off work, arrange travel to and from the airport and see if I can coordinate this whole venture with Augs’ schedule. This seems like an awful lot of work for a trip that may not result in me spending quality time with my sister or D, Steve and the dogs.
17-Year-Old Jaime: You know you want to see who got fat, who knocked up who and who came out.
Present Day Jaime: ….
So, what conclusion are we deriving from this dialetic exercise? Inconclusive.
Look, I’ll keep you posted on whether I go or not but in the meantime — study hard, stop fixating on the cute guitar player in yearbook (trust me on this one, dude. Seriously) and listen to Bruce Springsteen.
Lots of Love:
27-Year-Old Jaime xx