Charlie Sheen is Encino Man Or, Shut Your Mouth When You’re Talking To Me

I haven’t really been following this whole Charlie Sheen mess for three reasons:

1. He’s my least favorite Sheen (sorry Meems!).

2. I hate Two and a Half Men. I’ve seen exactly one episode and didn’t laugh once in 22 minutes. Here’s the thing – it’s on CBS, it has a laugh track and the comedy is hackneyed (“There’s a half-naked lady in our kitchen” “Which half?” Yuk-yuk-yuk yuck). People watch this garbage en masse and shows like Arrested Development and Party Down get canceled.

3. It’s not really news. Does it honestly surprise anyone that Charlie Sheen is such an asshole? Dudes, he shot Kelly Preston and held a knife to Brooke Mueller’s throat. I think those two events alone qualify Sheen for Asshole of the Epoch.

BUT, I have this theory that Charlie Sheen is in fact, Encino Man.

However, unlike being trapped in ice like Brendan Fraser, Sheen has been ensconced in a bubble of willful ignorance where it’s still 1988 and everyone is totally partying hearty, bro!

Since this whole controversy blew up, Sheen has used the following:

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars” – Bitchin’? For real, dude? Look, that phrase is only acceptable…you know what. It is never acceptable. Using it will always make you sound like a tool.

“I’m the best at what I do. It’s like, ‘Duh.’ Sorry, Middle America. I said it..” — In the words of the great Randy Meeks, “Oh really, Alicia?” Despite it’s omnipresence, this phrase was dated in 1997.

“That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” — Gnarly? Has anyone ever used that term in real life?

“Awesome. Awesome. Top Gun rockstar. Awesome.” — Let me put this in perspective for you: Top Gun came out in 1986 – two years before one of your goddesses was even conceived.

#Winning – I’m with Drea on this one. The shelf-life of this idiotic phrase has expired. Let’s move on.

This is what happens when you surround yourself with pornstars, drug addicts and hangers-on. You end up sounding like Corey Feldman circa The Lost Boys.

And in 2011, that’s about as far from winning as you could possibly get.

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