I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing!

I have three kinds of visitors to this blog:

My parents (Hi Mom and Paps!), my friends (let’s hang out soon?) and people who find themselves here as a result of some search term gone horribly awry.

According to WordPress, typing in ‘Liz Lemon’ or any variant thereof (Liz Lemon Eating, Liz Lemon Sandwich, Liz Lemon Gross Strippers, Liz Lemon Me Want Food) will help find your way here. It looks like my girl Double LL is popular on the internet. And honestly, why wouldn’t she be? She’s funny, smart and has a world view based on sandwiches.

However, if you weren’t searching for Liz Lemon, odds are you found your way here by searching one of the following:

Ron Livingston: You know, I’m actually thankful I’ll never meet this guy. Because doing so would turn me into an idiotic, tongue-tied, blushing slip of a girl unable to do much else besides smile like a complete moron and make a few vowel noises.

I know, right? I KNOW.

Also, Laminated List update coming soon.

Beefy Forearms: Sorry dude. You are not going to find Jersey Shore-esque arms here. Squishy veins and biceps the size of my head? Thanks, but no thanks.

Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski: Again, I am all about rewarding efforts, so here you go: Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski courtesy of the Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor. And from one Bukowski fan to another, here’s a little something extra:

9 bad boys

Céline will bat
lead-off,
Shostakovich is in the
second
spot,
Dostoevsky should hit
3rd,
Beethoven will definitely bat
clean-up,
Jeffers is in the 5th
spot,
Dreiser can hit
6th
and batting 7th
let’s have
Boccaccio
and 8th the
catcher:
Hemingway.

the pitcher?
hell, give me the
fucking
ball.

Bukowski is a cocky bastard and I could not appreciate him more.

Hanta Virus vs. Cold: Firstly, see a doctor. Seriously, dude. If this is an internal debate you are having, you need to see a doctor now. I am the worst person to come to for medical advice. Thirsty? Yeah, that’ll be the diabetes. Headache? Welcome to Tumor-ville. Population: You! Stomachache? Xenomorph’s getting ready to pop out of you. Here’s to hoping you had a sinus infection and not the Hanta Virus.

How To Address Yourself Before A Spanking: No idea how you ended up here, but you might want to try a little formality — “Self, in about five minutes, my ass will be virtually indistinguishable from a baboon’s. That being the case, good luck and think of England.”

Big Sur Style: From what I gather, Big Sur is Disneyland for bohemian types. If I had any semblance of personal style, this is probably what my home look like.

Jose Garces: Iron Chef, resident Philly bad-ass and creator of one of my favorite veggie burgers EVER. If you are in the City of Brotherly Love, check out one of his joints.

Love is a Mixtape PDF: Can’t help you with the PDF, dude. But I highly recommend you pick up Love is a Mixtape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time and Talking To Girls About Duran Duran: One Man’s Quest For True Love and a Cooler Haircut both by Rob Sheffield. Remember the sage words of John Waters – “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” Think about how much time and effort this maxim could save you.

Sister Rules: Yes, mine does. But if you’re looking for a set of bylaws regarding interacting with your sibling, I can’t really do much for you. Good rule of thumb, though? Hang out, eat pizza and rewatch movies you saw growing up together.You’ll both be happier for it.

Richard Grieco+Arrests: As far as I know, our boy Booker has never been arrested. BUT, I hear he thinks he’d be a great candidate to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

Aaron Sorkin is my Homeboy: You’re damn right he is.

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4 thoughts on “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing!

  1. So, I’ve been debating on whether or not to leave a comment for about 50 years. Okay maybe not 50, but I’ve been reading (read: stalking) your blog for about 2 years now. I could give you an extensive list on how much we oddly have in common (I live in Austin, was a vegetarian for 16 years but am a self proclaimed foodie and adore Bourdain, love SRV, Office Space was filmed here and is one of my favorites, I’m short, I hate pennies, I live for magical suburban nights, WaWa > 7-11, Step Brothers makes me pee my undies, I would’ve been a total slut in high school had I know what a flat iron was, and we’re both 28). I think you’re an amazingly talented writer and someone I would shyly befriend in “real life”. I remember I found your blog and for hours and hours didnt stop reading until I had hungrily devoured your first and last post and everything in between. So today, as
    I sit in bed with my coffee, felt right to finally say HEY! HELLO!

  2. Reanna:

    Holy shit, I want to buy you a pony covered in diamonds who plays Pride and Joy by SRV on demand. This is the nicest thing I’ve ever read.

    Also, you sound bad-ass and in real life, we would totally be friends. The kind that recite things like, “This house is a prison! On Planet Bullshit! In the Galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dick!” at every chance we got (read: often).

    I am so jealous of the fact that you live in Austin (although I’m sure the SXSW crowds can get a little tedious this time of year) and if I were you, I’d be eating fried avocado tacos and migas every single day. It seems like an incredible city and I really hope I get the chance to visit soon.

    So glad you like my blog and even more glad you commented and said such sweet things. Thank you SO much for that. You (and the fact that I had huevos rancheros this morning) made my day!

    HEY! HELLO! If you have a blog, I would love to check it out.

  3. Ahhh! She wrote back! I feel giddy like meeting a favorite childhood author in real life. I LOVE Austin- you need to visit. There’s so much I want to write after reading your reply but alas, work is calling my name.

    So when should I expect that pony? 😉

    PS. I love how alive this city feels with SXSW, but the traffic sucks butt. Its over now so we’re all happy to selfishly have our city back.

  4. Pingback: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing! Part II « Too Sweet For Rock & Roll

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