Mom Might Be Sydney Bristow Or, Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

I’m pretty sure Mom works for the CIA.

I’ve never seen her shoot a gun, wear a black suit with mirrored sunglasses or pull someone’s spine out of their throat but I have my reasons.

1. She’s a polyglot. She speaks five different languages….whereas I can barely handle English (I’ve used, “the thing with the thing” entirely too many times in my life to be considered a fluent speaker of the language).

2. She knows things that she really shouldn’t know

(Upon seeing Chris Brown on TV)
Mom: Oh yeah. The BET Awards were on last night.
Jaime: …

Dudes, Chris Brown’s mother didn’t know he was on the BET Awards.

3. She is a phenomenally good interrogator and straight-up aces at getting people she hasn’t even met to side with her.

Last week, I had a forty five minute long discussion with her about dairy products.

With the exception of cheese, I am not a fan. I hate the taste of milk, I don’t particularly care for ice cream and I hate yogurt. I hate it with fruit. I hate it with granola. I hate smoothies and seriously, PinkBerry/Red Mango/Kiwi? Adorbs, but not for me.

Mom: You like yogurt, Jemmy.
Me: No, I don’t.
Mom: Yes, you do.
Me: Mom, I can promise you that I really don’t.

This went on for a good 45 minutes. For those in the cheap seats, let me reiterate. FORTY FIVE minutes of Mom going through various incarnations of dairy products and me saying that I would not eat them on a train, I would not eat them on a plane, I would not eat them in a box, I would not eat them with a fox.

This conversation made me want to burn down a dairy.

Yesterday at lunch, I mention this fact to my co-workers and as if by some miracle of Black Ops technology, they started channeling Mom and emphasizing the importance of calcium in a well-balanced diet. How my blonde, blue-eyed coworker managed to look exactly like my brunette, green-eyed mother is a mystery I’ll never understand.


Kudos, Mommy. Kudos.

6 thoughts on “Mom Might Be Sydney Bristow Or, Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

    • I’ve never had coconut milk, but I hear almond milk is pretty delicious. I’m going to have to get some and make iced lattes with it or something.

      Cheese is proof of a merciful, benevolent God who loves us and wants us to have bad breath. And I’m OK with that.

  1. Pingback: Happy Mother’s Day Or, Whatever Else is Unsure in this Stinking Dunghill of a World, a Mother’s Love is Not. « Too Sweet For Rock & Roll

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