Falling Down is Not Exercise Or, Working On My Fitness

Since New Years, I’ve gained a ri-badonk-ulous amount of weight. Seriously, there are moons orbiting around my ass. Moons. Plural.

Me at New Year’s:

Me Now

OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but you’re not the one who went clothes shopping this past weekend and resembled a half-popped tube of Pillsbury triple-bleached goo.

So, to rectify this thoroughly disturbing situation, I’ve started going to the gym again. I actually don’t mind going to the gym as long as I’m distracted. Listening to Sports Guy opine about Jersey Shore while doing cardio is a win-win. Keeping up with the Kardashians while on the stationary bike? Good times for all.

I’ve got two primary reasons for working out:

– The more important notion that working out more makes it easier to justify eating delicious food.

Spending quality time at the gym means I can totally justify munching on real chips and salsa — not the baked crap with spelt and flax seed but the old-school kind you get in good Mexican places.

Yes, I know those good-for-you chips you get at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are good, but come on, dude. Do you really expect me to believe they taste better than the chips from your local Tex-Mex joint?

– The notion that if I work out, I will more closely resembling a cast member of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Duels, Gauntlets, Ruins, Battle of the Sexes, Infernos, I love them all. For years, I’ve been trying to get a Fantasy League going for years now, but can’t get it off the ground due to the fact that the only other person I know who watches this show is Augs.

The show is a perfect storm of reality television – as much drama as the Housewives, as much physical activity as Survivor and as many pretty people stabbing each other in the back as Top Model. Why watch three crappy shows when you can watch one glorious one?

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. You watch an episode and for the most part, everyone on the show is tan and lean.

The way I see it, if I go to the gym enough — I can look like this and retain my dignity (unlike several cast members). Win-Win.


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