What’s a girl to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon when she’s got a veritable mountain of laundry to fold? She fires up the Netflix and busts out another 21 Jump Street recap.
Besides, I figure this will be good practice for this summer when I’ll be writing Real World/Road Rules Challenge Recaps. You know, if someone would just do RW/RR Challenge Fantasy with me, I wouldn’t have to subject the world to such ridiculous whims.
Anyway, let’s check in on our favorite undercover brothers (and sister), shall we?
Cold Open: Some leather jacket clad dude breaking into and hot-wiring a sedan and driving it to the local chop shop. Things aren’t what they seem, though because guess what, grease monkeys — this ain’t no chop shop. It’s the Northside High Auto Shop!
Cue awesome theme song that will never get old. If Jonah Hill gets this reboot off the ground, I wanna hear Beyonce sing the hell out of this tune. Peter DeLuise can still rock the ‘Jumps’, though.
This episode features two major plot lines:
Plot A: Busting an auto theft ring at Northside. Hansen goes undercover (rocking the Cry Baby look once more) and discovers that Grease Monkeys steal cars, chop ’em and then, sell them at auto auctions. Not gonna lie – my attention for Plotline A was pretty weak. Primarily because I don’t really care about cars and because like every other carbon-based lifeform on the planet, I get very easily distracted by Johnny Depp.
Plot B: Nadia, a Polish exchange student wins some sort of essay contest and now, she gets to be a typical American teenager. And Hoffs is the lucky Jump Streeter who gets to babysit her.
Ummmm, what? Speaking as an immigrant, let me take a moment to vent. I had to jump through hoops, fill out endless forms and employ lawyers in order to become a typical American and all this broad has to do is write an essay?! What?!
Also, she’s from Eastern Europe! Home of the Red Scare whereas I was born in London — home of cups of tea and The Beatles, those adorable mop-tops that you Yanks adored!
No wonder the system is broken.
Alright, enough ranting. Let’s get back to the magic.
Hansen goes undercover and it’s not long before he discovers the two toolboxes behind the crimes. Hansen recruits Penhall for back-up and homeboy who shows up at Northside carrying hot merchandise and wearing a key in his ear. Thug life, y’all.
A key? Really, Penhall? You think this a good look?
Hansen and Penhall spend their night hanging out with the Grease Monkeys and like morons, these two chowderheads divulge pretty much all their plans — they’re only committing GTA because they want to open up their own shop with leather couches, new magazines and a big window so everyone can see them work. Dream big, dudes.
Proving that he’s more than just a burned out relic from the era of peace, love and dope – Jenko gets all duded up in his gingham, boots and hat and meets up with Mario Delano, the sleazeball who’s running this sordid little car insurance fraud/GTA ring.
Meanwhile back at Jump Street Chapel, Ioki get strong-armed into renting a Mercedes for the sting. Why? Because Asians have awesome insurance because they are cautious and careful drivers. Good news – the sting works and the vehicle gets chopped.
Bad news? They set the Mercedes on fire, thus destroying Ioki’s insurance cred.
Hansen and Penhall bust Mario for his thievery and then, cross the street to bust the Grease Monkeys for stripping the Mercedes and setting the thing on fire. Aforementioned Grease Monkeys try to run but give up as soon as they realize that Hansen and Penhall know where they live.
The episode ends with a successful bust, Harry being reimbursed for his rental car and the boys doing their sweet shooting star handshake featured in the credits
I’m going to bring this back, dudes. I’ll be cool yet. You’ll see.
Nadia arrives at the airport with her handler and is greeted by a local press corp as well as her host family, who barely feature in the episode.
Her first day at Northside features Nadia trying to explain that her homeland is Pro-American despite the political ideologies of the government. Jingoist teacher Mr. Ramsey isn’t having any of it, though and treats her like some sort of subversive pinko. Better dead than red, I guess.
To take the edge off, Hoffs takes Nadia to that bastion of American culture – the mall. Nadia checks out the ‘abundance of American wealth’ and is rightly shocked.
She’s amazed by overpriced ice cream, sneakers and ATMs . I love her. She’s like a Martian!
Some skeezy guy hits on her and she ditches Hoffs post-haste. Apparently, male attention isn’t all that plentiful in the Soviet Bloc. Even if you do look like a fresh-faced supermodel.
Nadia must have spent the night in Hoboken or something because when she shows up at school the next day, she’s rocking big hair, big earrings, big make-up, big heels, a tiny skirt and raving about American capitalism.
Da, comrade. Our rock music and blue jeans are to be lauded.
Continuing her tradition of running off whenever a creepy guy pays the slightest bit of attention to her, Nadia runs out on Hoffs again when a creepy mid-level manager starts hitting on Nadia and asks her if she wants to learn how to drive his sports car. Two words, brother man – Jail. Bait. Also, your piece of shit 1983 Camaro doesn’t really constitute as a sports car.
Back at Jump Street Chapel – Hoffs gripes about how she can’t keep up with Nadia, whose voracious man hunger rivals that of Janice Dickinson. To give Hoffs a break, Jenko volunteers Ioki as a date.
Our boy ends up groping Nadia pretty much throughout the entire movie. Sidebar: I hate these couples. Look teenagers, I know that you really aren’t able to rent a room for your underaged sexcapades, but dudes — keep it out of my movie theater. When I plunk down $12 to see a show, I prefer it to be onscreen, not wrestling for armrest space next to me.
Ioki breaks it off to cool down and Nadia runs up to grab concessions where ends up flirting with some Bob Saget lookalike. Surprise, surprise – she leaves with him to ride in his Porsche. She disappears for the night and the local boys in blue pick her up frolicking in a fountain with Not Bob Saget.
Where the hell’s Chris Hansen when you need him?
Judy meets her at the precinct and Nadia admits that she wants to meet a husband so she can leave the pinko hellhole that is Poland and move to the land of opportunity.
Three weeks are up and Nadia, now with Kelly Kapowski makeover, is heading back to Poland.
She’s met a new “friend” named Chris who will invariably end up being implicated in some sort of green card scam in the next few years.
All in all, a solid effort, but no patch on the pilot. Of course, it’s hard to compete with a character who looks like Jermaine Jackson and another who shoots up heroin in the school showers.
And finally, because 21 Jump Street is a modern day morality play, let’s go over some of the lessons we learned from watching this episode: All Eastern European women are gorgeous schemers angling for a green card, dreamers are easy to take advantage of, Holly Robinson needs to get rid of those blue contacts, no man should ever wear keys as jewelry, if you strip a car for parts, you should burn it because fire is cool and finally, Johnny Depp is a remarkably attractive man.