Like many of my peers growing up in the 90s/00s, I thought being a cast member on The Real World would be the coolest thing ever (also cool: plaid pants, body glitter and pink hair a la Return of Saturn era Gwen Stefani).
You get to live in a lush pad in an amazing city with a bunch of really attractive people (to this day, I still have a thing for David from the Seattle season). Which fifteen-year-old wouldn’t find that appealing?
However, as an adult — you realize that the whole concept is essentially hell on earth and that if you have any shred of sanity, you’d much rather be torn limb from limb by ravening wolves than be stuck in this situation.
YES, The house is gorgeous, BUT within 24 hours, it basically degrades into an Omega Theta Pi party meets Thunderdome.
YES, The city is amazing BUT nobody ever seems to explore it. Instead, they hang out in skeezy clubs and bars located within a five-mile radius of the house.
YES, The roommates are attractive in that freshly-scrubbed kind of way BUT they are all either rife with social disease, irascible chowderheads or have so many issues, Oedipus would look sane by comparison.
And I swear, it gets worse and worse every year. For the 2011 season set at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Vegas, MTV amped up the crazy by casting the following:
– Adam: Jailbird Drug Dealer who is one part football hooligan, one part one-man wrecking crew and all parts asshole.
– Dustin (Zito): Gay-For-Pay Homophobe who once earned his ducats by appearing in hot guy-on-guy action online.
– Heather: Blonde Pixie who starts dating GFPH as soon as she sees him only to freak out when she finds out about his past.
– Mike: Nerdy Southern Guy who’s way less religious than Jon from Season 2 and one of the two remotely sane people in the house.
– Leroy: Token Black Guy who loves the ladies and the other of the two remotely sane people in the house.
– Nany: Fiesty Latina #1 who falls for Jaily McSmashSmash and has a history being involved in abusive relationships.
– Naomi: Fiesty Latina #2 who says things like, “I’m from New York. I don’t drive cars; I drive boys.” What the hell does that even mean? You drive boys to do what? Leap in front of the 6 Train because of your stupid bon mots?
– Cooke: New Girl who shows up to replace Jaily McSmashSmash when his dumb ass gets punted for destroying hotel property.
Of course, I’m hooked because I love things that are terrible. The only thing I love more than things that are terrible is complaining about things that are terrible. Like so:
Jaime: Zito’s a dillhole. Also, I never want to drink Sun Drop. Ever.*
My Sister: Me neither.
Jaime: Also, Adam+Nany is the worst thing humanity has ever produced.
My Sister: I hate Adam more than I hate plagues of locusts.
Biblical rage is the only acceptable reaction to this show.
That being said, I will definitely be watching next week when Adam returns to the Strip to drink, brawl, sleep with Nany and basically prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that reality television stars are nothing more than a virus with designer shoes..
* Promotional consideration for The Real World is brought to you by Sun Drop. We failed with Fresca, Squirt, Mello Yello, Surge and Vault but figure people will still be stupid enough to purchase this carbonated crap that looks and tastes like radioactive urine.