Look dudes – this is going to be a really long post, so I highly recommend you make yourself comfortable — grab a cold drink, make yourself a sandwich, whatever.
You good? Alright ramblers – let’s get rambling.
For all you rookies out there, the basic premise is to get a bunch of good-looking twentysomethings from The Real World and the now-defunct Road Rules, drop them in an exotic locale and have them perform feats of athleticism (mini triathalons, mountain climbing…) all in the hopes of winning prizes.
Every week, members are kicked off and the numbers dwindle further and further down until a small handful are left to compete for the big cash prize.
This is where the alliances come in. Alliances are based on numerous factors – friendship, athletic ability, trying to get into someone’s pants, white-hot hatred – and they are the lifeblood of the show. The alliance you’re in could spell either life or death and as is to be expected, there’s a fair amount of politics involved.
The cast members spend a majority of their downtime either screaming at one another, drinking heavily or trying to pound as much ground round as humanly possible. And it’s a combination of all these factors that makes The Real World/Road Rules Challenge the greatest show on television.
This season, MTV has decided to pair up contestants with an acrimonious history. I’m guessing this is because A) it makes compelling television and B) because MTV wants to be the first network to air a reality television murder (I’m looking at you, CT).
I’m going to try and keep this quick.
Members: CT and Adam
Reason For Rivalry: CT has pretty much housed Adam on three separate occasions.
Members: Kenny and Wes
Reason For Rivalry: Former cast-member Johanna and Wes were engaged. Then, they broke up. Then, Johanna slept with Kenny. Fallout/hilarity ensued. I love these two dumb-ass douchebags and seeing them forced to work together is going to be even more amusing than seeing them pit against one another.
Members: Adam R. and Leroy
Reason For Rivalry: Adam R’s destructive behavior got him punted from The Real World: Las Vegas and Leroy was the only one who called Adam on his shit.
Members: Aneesa and Robin
Reason For Rivalry: Robin got drunk and racist towards Aneesa.
Members: Brandon and Ty
Reason For Rivalry: Not too much going on here — an argument in the last Challenge which should have been resolved when the two faced one another in The Gulag.
Members: Camila and Theresa
Reason For Rivalry: Stupid girl shit that no-one really cares about.
Members: Cara Maria and Laurel
Reason For Rivalry: Cara Maria sucks. Don’t get me wrong, Laurel’s kind of a bitchface too, but Cara Maria just sucks.
Members: Davis and Tyrie
Reason For Rivalry: Davis got racist and the producers had to come in to break up the fracas. Also, Ty sucks.
Members: Evan and Nehemiah
Reason For Rivalry: Stupid boy shit that no-one really cares about. Also, Evan sucks.
Members: EV and Paula
Reason For Rivalry: EV double-crossed Paula much to the surprise of no-one because everyone double-crosses Paula!
Members: Jasmine and Jonna
Reason For Rivalry: Love triangle nonsense. Who are these broads? Why are they here? This should be either Veronica and Julie or Coral and Julie. ‘Cause my girl Coral doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up.
Members: Jenn and Mandi
Reason For Rivalry: Jenn threw a drink at First Season Heidi Montag and almost cold-cocked her.
Members: Johnny Bananas and Tyler
Reason For Rivalry: Yeah, I don’t really get this one too much. Tyler called Bananas out for a Challenge, but that’s really not that big a deal.
Members: Sarah and Katelynn
Reason For Rivalry: They were friends and now they’re not.
The glue that holds these cabal of misfits together is host TJ Lavin. He’s been with the show for 11 seasons and I think we can all agree that he’s the best man for the job. He’s that awesome coach you had when you were a kid. He doesn’t care for your bullshit and just wants you to do your best. When you opt not to compete or don’t perform to the best of your ability, it disappoints him and that gives everyone a sad. I’m so glad he’s back and fully recovered from the BMX injury he suffered last year.
Welcome to the Southern hemisphere where the only thing hotter than the temperature is Kenny when he takes his shirt off. In a related story: I hate myself.
The happy campers arrive in Costa Rica and immediately, leap into a Real World standard – poppin’ bottles and jumping in the pool. Right now, there’s a laid-back camaraderie, but that won’t last long.
Also, CT was shot in the back and his brother was murdered?! Alright, kinda feeling like a dick for making all those jokes about him earlier.
Some basic information about The Jungle — it’s the elimination round where the losing team of the first challenge are automatically sent in. Their opponents are voted on by other cast members and that’s where it gets interesting. As for the ducats
1st place – $100,000
2nd place – $50,000
3rd place – A solid goose egg.
Onto the first challenge – High Dive. It’s your basic long-jump challenge. Leap off a platform suspended 150ft over Nauyuga Falls and whoever clears the most hash marks wins.
In a surprising twist, both rookie teams snag the victory. Congratulations to Leroy, Adam, Jonna and Jasmine. Whoop it up kids because The Challenge eats rookies for dinner.
This means Paula and EV are going into The Jungle. EV looks pissed and “The Game” is officially on.
Aneesa quickly throws Laurel under the bus by stating she’s the only competitor who can take on EV and then, Laurel returns the favor by throwing in Aneesa.
Everyone votes and it comes down to Aneesa+Robin versus EV+Paula.
Now that voting’s over, it’s drunk time! Whoo! Lee does body shots off of Mandi, Jasmine gets chucked in the pool and says she’s not going to hook up with Ty…and then, shoves her tongue in his mouth like three seconds later and Ty gets hammered and starts talking smack, which pisses off everyone. Especially Adam R…
…Who rears up and cold-cocks the dude right in the face.
BOOSH! And my fantasy team is off to a running start.
Although Ty was belligerent and asking for it, this ends Adam’s time in Costa Rica and on the show. That sucks for my boy Roy but it means 100 points for Team Crucio.
In the fracas, Mandi gets knocked over and slams her head on the concrete floor. She must have whacked it pretty hard because she starts talking about how CT’s the hottest guy in house.
Dude, are you insane? He looks like the Missing Link on steroids.
The contestants head to The Jungle where Leroy discovers Adam’s replacement is his BFF/Life Partner, Mike. They’re adorable. They have friendship bracelets. I love them. I just hope he can deliver as the newest member of Team Crucio.
Finally, it’s Jungle Time. Team members stand on two platforms facing one another. These platforms are then pulled further and further apart. First team to fall into the mud loses.
This is a boring challenge and I’m really happy when Robin slams into the mud.
EV and Paula win the Challenge and Robin goes home to her baby boy. It’s a pretty laid back loss and way to start the season. I’m not too worried, though. They’re ramping up to the crazy.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Team Crucio is off to a great start thanks to Adam R.
Adam cold-cocking Ty: 25 points
Producers talking to Adam: 25 points
Adam gets punted: 100 points
Bringing my first week total to 150 points. When it comes to stuff like this, always back the sociopath.
And finally, we end with Kenny’s Quote of the Week:
“We got more championship belts than fuckin’ Hulk Hogan.”
Amen to that, brother man. Now, look pretty and start putting some points up on the board for me, OK?