I Need Seriously Need To Stop With The Facebook Or, You Procreated…And It Worked?

I’m in a relationship with Facebook and it’s complicated.

I keep trying to disengage but as anyone who’s been in a shitty relationship knows — breaking up is hard to do.

I hate the social networking site because it’s evil, annoying and basically everything Drea says, but I also love it because it makes passing judgment so much easier. Being a judgmental a-hole is one of my favorite things ever, ranking right up there with live music, gin gimlets and this animated gif of Ron Livingston (dudes, I can’t even…).

So, for the past couple of months, I’ve been logging on to discover that essentially everyone I graduated high school with is either expecting their first child or pregnant yet again.

Ummm, what the what?
Did I miss the memo?
Is this a thing now?

Considering I’m in my late twenties, yeah, I’d say this is a thing now.

What freaks me out is the fact that no-one seems freaked out about this.

Did birth control go the way of Airwalks, body glitter and No Fear shirts? I mean, how are all you people ready to be parents already?

John F. Kennedy once said that to have a child is to give fate a hostage. If there’s one thing that fate isn’t, it’s predictable. And if there’s one thing that a good parent should be, it’s predictable. Does anyone else see the complete and utter lack of convergence here?

You take your last easy breath the moment you become a parent. From here on out, your life is a constant state of free-falling panic and a deluge of ‘What Ifs’ – What if they get sick? What if they get hurt? What if they’re bullied? What if they’re the bully? What if they drink, do drugs and get pregnant before their Bar Mitzvah? What if I screw this up so monumentally, they end up on the pipe, the pole and Nancy Grace within five years? What if, what if, what if?

I’m not ready for that kind of pressure and I’m definitely not ready for something so profoundly malleable and pure to be dependent on my screwball ass. After all, I can’t keep a poinsettia alive and the most important thought I had today was, “You know, I should really own all the Rolling Stone albums. Because that Exile on Main Street rerelease is pretty goddamn amazing. Man, Tumbling Dice is an amazing song.

So, I guess the question I’m asking here is how is it that I’m in the minority here? How is it that so many of my peers are ready for this? Was there I class I opted out of – Not Being An Emotionally Stunted Buckethead 101?

To the parents out there – when did you know that you were ready to be a parent? Was there some biological ding that went off or was it more a case of, “Huh. Two blue lines. Well, shit…”

It’s the biggest step a person can take and I am certainly not ready to leap into that abyss. Hopefully one day, I will be but right now? I’m kind of digging on being an aunt to the world’s most adorable kids (my nieces and nephew are cuter than yours. Smarter too. And funnier. And way more bad-ass. Seriously, my niece would straight up house your kid with a Lego block and her blanky), cursing like a sailor who just lost shore leave and arguing about the best song The Stones ever released (Gimme Shelter. Look, I love Wild Horses and have 21 different versions of it on my computer, but Gimme Shelter is a much better track. It’s smart, political, dangerous, symphonic and featured in two of the greatest movies of all time – The Departed and Adventures in Babysitting).

P.S. – Mom and Paps – Remember when I was a kid? Yeah, I am so sorry. Looking back, I swear it’s like I was purposefully trying to induce a massive coronary. Between smashing into walls, jumping off bunk beds and refusing to adhere to the notion that no, a stranger isn’t a bloody friend you haven’t met but a tweaking junkie who’d sell you to a Bulgarian child slavery ring for an eighth of kif and packet of crisps – I have no idea how the two of you got a decent night’s sleep.