Much to the chagrin of certain people who shall not remain nameless (Hi Dennis!), Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy makes its triumphant return to the blog.
I’ve noticed a spike in hits regarding the show, so let me tackle a couple of queries posed by those who wandered here:
Q: “Did Johanna and Kenny Talk?”
A: Yes they did. Primarily with their genitals.
Q: “Who is Adam from The Rivals Father?”
A: William King from The Commodores. That’s why he’s too hot ta trot, baby.
Q: “The Challenge Rivals Johnny Bananas Penis Shot”
A: I could interpret this one of two ways: either you’re looking for a shot of Bananas’ banana or there’s a rumor floating around that dude got shot in the dork. Either way – I’ve got nothing for you and am more than a little disturbed that your search led you to my blog. Sorry dude, no nudes, but stick around for the recap anyway.
Now that I’ve been squicked out beyond all human measure, let’s kick the tires and light the fires, shall we?
The episode opens with Mike dressing up like Tyler, going by the name Tyler-Mike and talking openly about his grundle. I’m equal parts disgusted and duly impressed.
As per usual for the show, the girls have Balkanized – Cara Maria whines a lot about Laurel, Team Rookie (Jonna and Jasmine) is bitching about being newbies and Paula gripes about how strangers on the street come up to her and ask when she’s going to win because her losing streak is just pathetic at this point.
This episode also featured our boy CT at his Southie finest.
Wes makes his primary objective to get rid of CT and like a dumbass, admits this fact to the Boston Beast. With typical belligerence, CT gets enraged and says he’s going to eat Wes. Gingerbread’s reaction to this is to call him a ‘mongoose’ (umm what, Ricky Ticky Tavi?). C-Tizzle and Wes snipe back and forth and set up that CT is basically going to plunge his meaty fist straight to Wes’ chest and yank out his spinal cord through his throat.
Huh. Wonder how many points that is…?
The Challenge: Sink or Swim (which is also the name of an amazing Gaslight Anthem album that you need to pick up now)
Each team starts inside a container with 1000lbs of sand. Lift out the sand, raise the container, elevate to a platform, jump to the zipline, zipline to the water and swim to the finish line. It’s a Girls Elimination Day, so the winner of this challenge is safe from The Jungle. As for the boys? They net a $2000 cash prize.
Mike and Leroy go up against Brandon and Ty. It’s looking pretty good until our boys leap into the water. Mike lands in the water, Leroy lands on Mike and then, bad juju ensues from there on out. Mike starts swimming the wrong way, groaning (wouldn’t you if a 200lbs man just landed on you?) and Leroy says not only did he land of Mike’s chest, but may have kicked him in the balls too.
Like a boss, Mike completes the challenge but immediately afterwards, he starts coughing up blood so both boys head to the emergency room. More on that later.
The winners of Sink or Swim are:
Men: CT and Adam
Women: EV and Paula
Laurel and Cara Maria are heading to The Jungle and deliberation starts to gets a little contentious. The boys wanna throw in Jonna and Jasmine whereas the girls wanna throw in Camilla and Theresa.
The girls get their way and this week’s Jungle is: Laurel and Cara Maria vs. Camilla and Theresa.
The prodigal son returns sans broken bones and all signs point to him and Paula getting it in really soon. All I have to say about that is aim higher, Mikey. Aim higher.
Theresa and Camilla’s game plan is to throw the challenge. The logical thing to do would be to compete to best of your ability and house the other team, but no — their logic is not like our earth logic. The other girls try to convince Team Crybaby that quitting is the dumbest option and it seems like they’re not listening but ESPIONAGE AHOY! Team Crybaby was lying and it turns out they’re going to fight after all. CIA – I hope you guys are taking notes on this.
Mandi starts flirting with CT by telling him that she thinks choking during sex is normal to which I respond, “Bitch, is you crazy?!” This goes double if you’re planning on hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing with CT because dude will crush your windpipe. Have you seen those meaty paws? They’re like Christmas hams!
Jungle Time: The name of the game is Door Jam. There are 48 rotating doors affixed to a massive board. Each door has one rivals logo on each side and the goal is to make each logo face your team. Whoever has the most logos facing them once the five minute time limit expires wins.
Team Crybaby go gangbusters like Vanna White on speed but it’s not enough and Cara Maria and Laurel end up winning the Challenge.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Goddamn it, Team Crucio. When I name you after an Unforgivable Curse, I expect you bananaheads to bring the pain.
This week, my team put me through torture by racking up a mere 20 points:
Verbal fighting courtesy of CT: 5 points – “My tawp priority is to fuck you up, Wes!”
Intentional nudity courtesy of Mike: 5 points. Comissioner’s ruling on usage of term ‘grundle’? Because I’m thinking that’s good for another 10 points easy.
Cara Maria winning the Elimination Challenge (despite the fact that she sucks): 10 points
Thus bringing the team total to 180 points.
And finally – Kenny’s Quote of the Week:
This week, Kenny philosophized on the utter futility of the English language and how words are a meager, pathetic conveyance vehicle to express something as complicated, nuanced and beautiful as raw human emotion.
No, I’m totally fucking with you. For the second week in a row, Kenny was upstaged by Wes who declared that CT is, “one of the most horrible human beings that’s ever been a part of anything. He will make you fall in love with him and then, light your house on fire. He is a psychopath.”
Damn, Gingerbread. Keep up the yuks and we just night have to rename the segment Wes’s Quote of the Week.
The episode ends with the boys plotting to take down CT. Evan’s planning on throwing the next challenge in the hopes of punting the Boston Beast, but I can see that plan ending in tears. Didn’t you guys read Macbeth or Othello? Wait. No. Of course you didn’t. Trust me, boys — this isn’t going to end well.