Adventures in Culinary Assembly Or, I’m The (Greek) Dip!

I can’t cook.

Oh, I can take raw ingredients and feed myself relatively well, but real actual cooking that involves deglazing and scalding milk and making stuff like beurre blanc? You should probably call Mom instead.

However, if you need a girl to assemble food into some semi-credible semblance of food? Look no further. My pizza is delicious (topped with balsamic-marinated tomatoes), I rock the hell out of some huevos rancheros (I make my own pineapple-mango salsa and it is goddamn glorious) and last time I made Greek Dip, the ravenous hordes in my family inhaled it within fifteen minutes.

So, I decided to recreate the dish for my office’s summer picnic thus creating yet another exciting addition to the blog – Adventures in Culinary Assembly!

I ripped off the Greek Dip recipe from Whole Foods and made a couple of amendments. It’s relatively healthy (provided you don’t eat an entire dish of it while parked in front of a Law and Order: SVU marathon), tasty and easy. If you make it, let me know how it turns out.

So, you’re gonna need the following:

Grape tomatoes, green onion, cucumber, a can of artichoke hearts, baby spinach, Greek yogurt, hummus, black olives, extra virgin olive oil, salt, black pepper and oregano. As for measurements, add more of what you like and less of what you don’t.

Yeah, it’s this kind of mentality that precludes me from being able to cook.

Dump the hummus into the baking dish and smooth it out as best you can.

Tenderly place leaves of baby spinach atop the hummus.

Add the artichokes. Give ’em a bit of a rough chop first, though.

Chop your tomatoes into halves and then, halves yet again. No, not quarters because quarters look different. Also, get rid of the tomato guts. They’re gross. Nobody likes them.

Mix tomatoes with salt, pepper and olive oil. Set aside.

Dice up a cucumber. If you want to get really fancy, you can brunoise it but let’s face it — if you know how to brunoise, there is no way you’re reading this blog.

Put diced cucumber into a mixing bowl, add salt and pepper and dump in some Greek yogurt.

Try to win Mom’s affection by trying this damn yogurt thing yet again.

Figure 1: Look Mom! I’m eating yogurt and I’m making the same face I always do when confronted with what I lovingly refer to as, “the fetid spunk of Satan himself.”
Figure 2: Oh, this is terrible! Why do people eat this?!
Figure 3: Oh my God. This tastes like sputum. What is sputum, anyway? I should Google that.
(Googles ‘Sputum’).
Oh sweet Jesus Christ….
Figure 4: Look Mom! I ate a spoonful of yogurt! Mmmm, it’s….bacterial culture-y! Love me!

Also, this is what I look like when I first wake up in the morning (no make-up, scrunchy face, shirt stolen from Augs’ closet) so I know what you’re all thinking. Yes, Augs is a remarkably lucky man. Not only does he get to wake up next to that, but as I mentioned earlier – I can’t cook and I steal his clothing. Dude obviously won the soulmate jackpot (I love you, Pookie! Please don’t realize the truth and adios on me!).

Add ridiculous amounts of oregano, salt and pepper in a desperate attempt to make Greek yogurt taste less yogurty.Stir briskly.

Remember those tomatoes you set aside? Give ’em a quick stir and add them to the dish.While you were fiddling around with the yogurt, they were marinating. Remember to drizzle any excess olive oil over the dish.

Dollop yogurt over dish and smooth out as best as you can.

Top with green onions, black olives and feta cheese.

Resist urge to shove face directly into dish. Serve with pita chips, pita bread or crackers.

Serves about eight-ish or two siblings parked on the couch watching marathon television.

See? So easy, I could do it…and I did.

If you make it, I hope you guys dig it as much as I do.