You know, for a show named Rivals — there’s not all too much rivalry afoot.
Kenny’s been pretty quiet this season (what the what, Mr. Beautiful? You think we like you because of your sparkling orthodontia and washboard abs? Well, we do BUT we like you even more when you’re maligning Wes and sleeping with his exes), Bananas has really toned down the misogynistic douchebaggery and CT has yet to rip open someone’s throat and make a plasma-rita from what spews forth.
It makes a girl miss the good ol’ days when Julie the Mormon was stirring the pot by trying to kill Veronica and challenging Coral to a wrestling match (Listen sweetheart, I realize that on your season, you went toe-to-toe with some broad named Squirrel, but Coral doesn’t wrestle. She beats bitches up).
Tonight’s episode was no different. I really hope people stop being polite and start getting belligerent soon because this is starting to get dull.
The show opens with the cast members hanging out on a gorgeous Costa Rican beach. While the girls frolic topless in the surf, the boys hang out on the sand and talk strategy. Everyone whines about their respective partners except for Bananas who says that he and Tyler are, “going to tear the roof off this bitch.” Here’s to hoping he’s right because that would mean some serious points for Team Crucio.
Last week’s episode set up this week’s politicking. Realizing that CT is the biggest threat in the house, the boys set up a threeway…alliance – Kenny and Wes, Bananas and Tyler and Evan and Nehemiah – to get CT and Adam punted from the Challenge.
They plan to send CT into the Challenge first to set the bar and then, have Evan and Nehemiah disqualify on purpose so the duos will face one another in the Jungle. The boys call it D-Day and I’m guessing the D probably stands for ‘Dumbass.’
Seriously, this could not be a more ill-conceived plan. EV hits the nail squarely on the head when she says, ” CT will kick the shit out of Evan because Evan is fat and out of shape.”
Pre-Challenge, the cast mates drink Midori cocktails (it was either Midori or someone shoved Slimer into a blender) and play a RW/RR staple – Truth or Dare.
Ty smooches up on Paula, Mandi and Laurel play the faux lesbian card (probably to entice CT – can someone please explain to me why these broads are attracted to him? No, ladies! Just…no) and The Boston Beast gets buck naked and leaps into the pool.
Dudes, if I lived in this house – I would never go swimming. You know whatever’s living in that pool is impervious to chlorine.
The name of the game is Hammock Crawl. Cast mates have to crawl from one platform to another via a series of hammocks. Both team members must be in the same hammock at the same time. If they do it in fifteen minutes, they’re golden. If they take longer or fall out of the hammock, they get a first-class ticket to DQ-Ville.
Despite thinking it’s a shit awful idea, EV and Paula pick CT and Adam to go first against my boys Lee and Mike and as expected, Team Boston Beast+1 comes out ahead.
Adam gets whiny about how no-one cheers for him, Katelynn refuses to participate resulting in a DQ, Kenny flips upside down within the first 30 seconds, falls, disqualifies Team Chowderhead and totally screws up the boys’ plan. Due to this loss, Evan and Nehemiah decide they need to win so as to control the game.
Spoiler alert: They don’t.
The winners of Hammock Crawl are:
Men: Johnny and Tyler.
Women: No-one due to the fact that no-one completed the mission. In the words of our boy Teej, “This ain’t charity, girls.”
Since Kenny and Wes had the worst time, they’ll be going back into the Jungle.
Kenny’s been out of sorts this season. Dude hasn’t been quippy and spends post-Challenge pouting – “I feel like I lost my mojo, bro. “
Not gonna lie – it’s kind of cute. In a related story, I hate myself. Again.
The D-Day plan disbands because there is no way Team Chowderhead is going up against Team Boston Beast+1.
So, Brandon and Ty? Welcome to the Jungle. If you want it, you’re gonna bleed. But it’s the price you pay.
Post-Vote, the cast members hit up local club, El Lobby where Mikey ends shirtless with Paula grinding all over him and sucking tequila out of his belly button. Mmmm, lint, tequila and sweat! Look, I think Mike’s pretty damn adorable but I’d rather lick a sidewalk in Midtown Manhattan than suck booze out of someone’s belly button.
Back at the house, Wes busts out with, “It’s hard for me not to have an ego because I keep beating people at stuff. In real life and in this game.”
Umm obviously not, bro. Because this is the second time you’re going into The Jungle. Also, Kenny boned your ex-fiance. On television. How did that work for your ego?
Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!):
The name of the game is Going Up.
Run and jump across a pit, climb a rope and ring a bell. Seems pretty simple. The first attempt is a tie, so Wes and Brandon go for broke in round two.
Gingerbread smokes Brandon in the second round and Team Chowderhead wins another elimination round.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Team Crucio went straight up Bellatrix on my ass this week (and if that reference doesn’t cement my nerd cred, I don’t know what will):
Intentional Nudity courtesy of CT: 20 points
Winning the Elimination Challenge courtesy of Kenny (even though technically, Wes carried his ass through the episode): 10 points
Bringing Team Crucio’s total to 210 points.
And finally, Kenny’s Quote of the Week:
You know what, Kenny? You do not get a quote of the week anymore. You used to be funny and now, you’re just this mopey bastard who spends more time hugging his pillow than he does verbally eviscerating his cast mates. What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.
This week’s honor goes to Gingerbread again for this gem: “I’m a physical specimen carved by Zeus.”
Pretty sure that Zeus never did any masonry, but you know what, Red Rock? I’m gonna let that one slide on account of your win this week. Now, see if you can get your team mate back to his old self. I kinda miss the Wes and Kenny show and my fantasy team would be doing a lot better if he stepped up his game a little.