Just when you thought Kenny had made like Austin and lost his mojo, Mr. Beautiful returns to not only win the mission but also cock Wes’ “gun” and fire off a victory salute (dudes, you can take that one anyway you want to).
Team Chowderhead is back, y’all. Locked, loaded and ready for action.
The episode opens with Laurel and CT spending some quality time together upstairs while the rest of the cast members hang out in the lower section of the house. When Laurel emerges from her room, Mandi – all Housewived-up on pinot – yells/slurs, “Have fun with my sloppy seconds, you little whore!”
I’m predicting a loveless marriage and overturned tables in this broad’s future.
Again, I beseech my audience – can someone please explain CT’s appeal to me? The Boston Beast looks like a reject from the Geico caveman commercials, obviously has anger issues and is probably a Pats fan. There is nothing remotely good about that.
The Challenge: Catch and Release
A cast member dangles on a zipline above the water. Their team mate has to take a running leap and essentially tackle them down to the lake at which point, they’ll release the harness and both parties will swim to a buoy. Whoever completes the challenge in the shortest time wins.
Team Boston Beast+1 (CT and Adam) go first and set a pretty high bar as usual. Ever since the show started, Kenny, Wes, Bananas and Evan (heretofore known as the Confederacy of Dunces) have made it their mission to get the Boston Beast punted from the show as he’s the strongest competitor there. The Confederacy of Dunces decide that their best option would be to have Evan throw the mission, land in the Jungle, square off against Team Boston Beast+1 and send them packing.
Seems like a pretty decent plan, right? It is….until you realize that Evan’s the fat kid from Up, CT is Maximum Decidius Meridius and the chance of Evan actually winning against him is less than zero.
Evan throws the mission without telling his partner, Nehemiah (who is rightly pissed off) and then, something wonderful happens. Team Chowderhead (Kenny and Wes) finally break their four DQ streak and actually knock this one out of the park.
One more DQ and I was going to change their name to Team Dillybar.
Men: Kenny and Wes
Women: Laurel and Cara Maria
Which means facing off in the Jungle tonight – Evan and Nehemiah v. CT and Adam.
You know, I’m kinda miffed that Challenges don’t count because Team Crucio would have killed it this week.
Post voting, Mandi hooks up with Wes (how the hell does Gingerbread get women? This is a bigger mystery than dark matter), Mike flirts with Paula and Tyler explains that this CT-Mandi-Wes-Laurel quadrilateral is vomit-inducing. He’s not wrong.
Also, CT and Wes get into this bizarro argument where CT gets all up in Gingerbread’s grill and firmly insists that he’s a “bad boy. Ummm, what? That hasn’t been cool since P.Diddy repped the term in the late 90s…never. It has never been cool.
Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!):
The name of the game is Rail Slide. Players hang from a rail 25 feet above the ground and have to slide a pipe from one end of the obstacle course to another. First team to do so wins.
The Confederacy of Dunces has a lot riding on this but dunderheads that they are, they failed to realize that Evan is about as useful as an orca up on that platform and they’ve got no shot.
To the surprise of absolutely goddamn no-one, Team Boston Beast+1 trounce Evan and Nehemiah, leaving the CoD shaking in their basketball shorts.
RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:
Alright Mike, take a knee. Coach has got something to say. Now, you and I both know that you’re only part of Team Crucio because your Las Vegas housemate Adam R flipped out and got sent home. So far, you’ve been pretty solid and I want you to know that I am proud of you. But, you need to step up your game a little.
Basically son, I need you to sleep with Paula.
Look, I know she’s an idiot (why do you always trust the wrong people, Paula? How many times does Bananas have to burn you before you finally get it?) but if you could get nude on camera, sleep with her, deny that you slept with her and work in a little pregnancy scare action a la Trishelle-and-Stephen on the first Las Vegas season, it would mean a lot to the team. Like 110 points a lot.
Think about it, champ. Take one for the team.
Winning an elimination challenge courtesy of CT: 10 points
Verbal fighting courtesy of CT: 5 points
The Boston Beast puts up a lackluster 15 points bringing Team Crucio’s total to 265 points.
And finally, the Quote of the Week:
This week’s honor goes to my sister. She emailed me about the show yesterday and it was hands-down, the best email I have ever gotten.
Below are a few highlights:
– I view them as television characters, which on some level they are, but after the four or however many weeks the challenges take place, they go back to living in the same world that I do. Except where I wouldn’t break someone’s leg for $30,000 – they would.
– Also, how did Diem end up with CT? I’ll admit, I was initially confused by the hatred towards him on Rivals, but I now feel like the dude is legitimately insane and would wear my skin as a coat if I scuffed his sneakers.
– Hey buddy, you’re a reality television competition participant, you hold no real power, so how about you don’t be a jackoff?
– If Johnny was smacked in the face every time that he called a woman a ‘bitch’ he would have a permanent imprint of a hand. Also, he’s a grown man that goes by the name Johnny Bananas. I mean, come on.
– I am much too nerdy and boring to get cast on to the Real World and will instead focus on writing a thesis about Napoleon Bonaparte Broward or the Tennessee Civil War Veterans Questionnaires or something else that no one will ever want to read.
– Bob Dole needs to be on this show.
My sister is better than your sister. And funnier. And smarter.
Man, I can’t wait to watch crappy reality television with her again.