Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy Or, Episode Seven: Blood On The Dancefloor

Welcome to Douchebag Thunderdome!

No, I’m not talking about this week’s episode but the fact that Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast member and all-around douchebag Johnny Bananas is threatening to sue the producers of HBO’s Entourage, a show about several all-around douchebags.

Let’s slough through this quickly so we can get to the recap — The premiere of Entourage’s eighth (and thankfully final) season featured Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon) appearing on an animated show about an irascible ape in the midst of a custody battle with his spider monkey ex. The cartoon’s name? Johnny’s Bananas.

Our boy Bananas gets all up in arms about this because he feels the HBO series is threatening the integrity of the much lauded Johnny Bananas brand.

Yeah, wrap your head around that one. Johnny Bananas is hardly synonymous with integrity. After all, this is the guy who repeatedly refers to women as, ‘dumb bitches’ and once told fellow cast member EV to shove a telescope up her ass. Yeah — stay on my arm, you little charmer.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens, but a nickel’s worth of free advice? Give it up, you giant chowderhead. Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth. You’re just coming off as stupid.

I’ve had about enough of that. Let’s get to the recap:

We’re back in Costa Rica where love in the air. And by love, I mean an assortment of bodily fluids of dubious cleanliness.

Paula and Mike smooch a little, Mandi and Wes discover crabs in Mandi’s undies (not that kind) and Bananas tries to convince Laurel that CT is a psycho with dual personalities — Thug CT complete with undershirt, baseball cap and kung-fu grip and Hug CT with glasses and button-down shirt accessory pack who’s all, “Let’s go grab a martini and talk about the stock market.”

Since they won the last elimination challenge, Kenny and Wes have to determine the order for this week. It’s the last elimination before the final, this is going to be prickly and the girls start sniping back and forth.

Cara Marie calls out Jenn on “fraternizing with the enemy” and earns top spot on Jenn’s shit list. Yeah, this is going to be fun later on.

The Challenge: Sawed Off

As it turns out, order counts for nothing in this game.

Teammate #1 hangs over the water while Teammate #2 blasts them with a fire hose, pushing them closer and closer to razor-sharp arrowheads. Kenny’s reaction to this is pretty jubilant and honestly, if Gingerbread was your partner, wouldn’t you be pretty stoked about this as well?

Once the arrowhead saws off the rope, the partner splashes down into the water.

The group is split up into two teams and in order to win, the winner must be on the winning team.

Team # 1: Cara Maria and Laurel, CT and Adam, Mandi and Jenn and Mike and Leroy.
Team #2: Kenny and Wes, Bananas and Tyler, EV and Paula and Jonna and Jasmine

It’s during this challenge that we learn that Kenny loves blasting Wes in the face. Take that however you wish.

The Winners: Team Hot Banana for win number three.

The Losers: Laurel and CT

Laurel and Cara Maria are Jungle bound and Cara Maria immediately starts plotting to pitch Mandi and Jenn with them.

The cast decide to send Team Shrieking Rookie (Jasmine and Jonna) into the Jungle against Cara Maria and Laurel. Good luck, girls. You’re gonna need it.

Now, it’s time to get sexin’ on the dancefloor.

Well, unless you’re Cara Maria who’s all sad panda and missing Abram…who is probably locked up in a jail cell, smearing his feces on the wall. Yeah – that happened. Did I mention that dude write books for children?

Kenny does a confessional as ‘Kenny Maria’ complete with red hair extensions and talks about how he loves horses and Abram and how everyone’s like, totally mean.

Oh, the mojo is back and it is strong.

And speaking of strong, Cara Maria calls out Jenn again and our girl gets all up in Cara Maria’s Kool-Aid. She actually says she wants to murder Cara Maria. Ummm, what?

Cara Maria calls Abram for a pep talk and claims doing so brings her back to reality. Then, Jenn starts talking shit again which really brings her back to reality. They have a snippy encounter and Cara Maria actually gets a couple of decent snarky jabs in. Good for you, Cara Maria. You still suck, but hey — I’m throwing you a bone.

Jungle Love (Oh-E-Oh-E-Oh!)

The name of the game is Blast Off which is basically the RW/RR Challenge version of sumo wrestling. First team to get to three points wins.

Laurel looks like the o-line of the 1985 Chicago Bears and Jasmine is an Olsen twin with a deep tan, so unsurprisingly — Team Shrieking Rookie gets housed. The girls put up a good fight, though and I’m actually looking forward to seeing them on the next iteration.

RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:

Team Crucio went gangbusters this week thanks to a little hooking up and a whole lot of fighting. Both Jenn and Cara Maria rode drama llamas almost all the way to ‘Bitch, I Will Cut You Town’ and doing so racked up the points for this girl.

Female Crying Courtesy of Cara Maria: 5 points
Calling A Friend or Relative At Home, Crying and Saying, “Everyone Here Hates Me,” Courtesy of Cara Maria: 20 points
Open Mouth Kissing Courtesy of Mike: 5 Points
Verbal Fighting Courtesy of Jenn: 5 Points
Physical Fighting Courtesy of Jenn: 25 points
Winning Elimination Challenge Courtesy of Cara Maria: 10 points

A total of 60 points which brings Team Crucio’s grand total to 335.

Jenn receives a text message which states the game is moving to Buenos Aires — a place with strippers, clowns in dog suits and dogs in clown suits. Umm, CT — I don’t think Argentina is what you think it is. You know it’s not Narnia or Never Never Land, right?

And finally, the Quote of the Week:

Our boy Kenny returns to his rightful place as Quip King when he busts out this little pop culture bon mot: “I always dreamed of being a Ghostbuster and now I get my chance. Busting ghosts is what I do. Just don’t cross the streams.”

Look Mr. Beautiful, I highly doubt you could be a Ghostbuster, BUT I do think you might just win this thing. So, make it happen.

The show ended with a quick sneak peek of events in Argentina and it looks like things are going to get even more batshit.

I’m looking forward to it.

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