Texting With Paps Or, The Sooner Kids Talk, The Sooner They Talk Back

Any time Paps interacts with modern technology, bad things happen.

You give the man a remote and all of a sudden, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman is on and as a result, you’re late for school (this actually happened to my sister all throughout middle school. Thanks a lot, Teri Hatcher!)

You give the man an internet connection and you start hearing stories about Facebook.

And if you give the man a cell phone, you get out of a meeting and come back to your desk to find text messages like this waiting for you:

Paps: When you were a baby, I had to change your diaper. After a few failed attempts and losing all the glue on the sticky tapes, I put it on the wrong way round with almost half a roll of sticky tape around your waist. Mom wasn’t amused. She told me to stay away from you.

I stare at my phone for a second, convinced that I’ve finally gone insane because who the hell sends messages like this?

That’s who.
Paps sends messages like this.

So, I respond:

Jaime: What? Why….What? Why are you telling me this?

Paps: It’s your legacy. You need to know that I tried and that I’m not a bad parent….regardless of what Mom thinks.

Jaime: Dude, I’m not letting you near my kids. “Yeah! Sure! Touch the stove. Go ahead – pet the nice rabid raccoon.”

Yes. On occasion, I call my father ‘dude.’

Paps: Hey, kids didn’t come with an instructional manual then, so go easy on me. Mom had to use scissors to cut off the tape and I couldn’t figure out why you leaked so much.

Two things:

A) You don’t need an instruction manual to know that you shouldn’t tape a diaper to your firstborn. The fact that I made it out of my formative years alive? All Mom. Thanks, Mom!

B) To my future babies — your papa is a good man who loves you very much but dear God, do not listen to him. I can tell you right now – the stove will burn your hand, the chili pepper will singe your tonsils (but dudes, you’re half Indian — suck it up) and when Paps says ‘five more minutes’ while watching a mediocre television show, you should probably make yourself comfortable and get a snack because he’s not leaving until he’s damn good and ready.

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