An Ode To In-N-Out’s Animal Style Fries Or, Working My Way To A Massive Coronary/Making The East Coast A Better Place

Time Magazine did a great photo essay on the last suppers of famous chefs — Gordon Ramsay picked a classic Sunday roast, Adrian Feria picked a Japanese feast and Jose Andreas picked a meal inspired by a Spanish barbecue.

I think about this topic way more than I should and my answer changes constantly — homemade Indian food like Mom makes, a Veggie Diablo with bruschetta from Primo Hoagies, huevos rancheros, a cheese plate the size of my arm — but if you asked me what I’d pick right at this moment, it would be a huge fountain Diet Coke with lots of lemon (yeah, #8 on my 29 Before 29 list failed in a pretty spectacular way) and a giant platter of well-done animal-style fries from In-N-Out.

For the uninitiated, Animal-Style Fries are french fries topped with melty American cheese, grilled onions and a copious amount of Thousand Island dressing.

Yeah, it’s pretty much the most glorious thing ever.

I almost wished I was hungover when I ate it because I’m sure that would have made it taste even better (it’s basic science, dudes. Carb + cheese + salt always tastes better after you’ve been drinking).

If I lived in L.A., I would eat them all the time. Granted, I’d have to change my name to Baroness Triple Chin von Butterpants and end up getting a quadruple bypass by the age of the 32, but it would be worth it.

Unfortunately, I live on the East Coast where we are wit’ Wiz but wit’out Animal-Style – a troubling and utterly perplexing notion considering East-coasters, particularly Philadelphians, would love these things (I have never met a people more enamored with the concept of artificial cheese coupled with fried potatoes).

It is a travesty and I am on a mission to correct it. Animal-Style Fries are not a complicated dish to construct. Especially in a fast-food kitchen — American cheese is a standard as are grilled onions and odds are that if you offer a salad, you’re gonna have Russian/Thousand Island dressing on hand.

So East-Coast burger joints – Five Guys, Jake’s Wayback Burgers, Buddy’s Burgers, Breast and Fries, Elevation Burger, Back Yard Burgers and hell, even Wendy’s — consider this a desperate plea from a desperate girl.  For the love of all things delicious, please hook the East Coast up with a facsimile of Animal-Style Fries.

This year alone, we’ve dealt with record-high heatwaves, snow in October, an earthquake and the Phillies losing to the Cards in the playoffs. The East Coast deserves this.

Hell, the East Coast needs a little fast-food love.

Let’s make it happen, burger barons. For a brighter East Coast and a better America.

P.S. – We will totally hit the treadmill extra hard and double up on our yogi bicycles if you make this happen. Promise.