Paps: I bought your sister a German marzipan cake.
Me: And what kind of delicious Teutonic treat did you get for me? Yeah…That’s what I thought.
Paps: Your marzipan cake will be here when you come home next month.
Me: You provide the cake, I’ll get the coffee.
Paps: Amaretto from Starbucks.
Me: Amaretto is a liqueur. You know that right?
Paps: Yes, but what’s to stop us from pouring a drop or two into our coffee?
Me: And this is why you’re my favorite. God, I really do take after you, don’t I?
Paps: You’ve been misled. I’ll pray for you, my child.
Me: Ahhh, been reading the Gospel According to St. Jackass again, have we?
Paps: Even 12 dozen Hail Marys isn’t going to do anything for you. Repent! Repent now, you heathen child.
Me: Sorry dude, but the only holy water in my life is the tonic in my gin.
Stuff like this is why Mom says, “I have two kids — a son and a daughter, both in Orlando,” when people ask her about her kids.