I have a bone to pick with Full House.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “The adorable, saccharine-sweet TGIF show about a widowed father raising three daughters with his brother-in-law and best friend? How could you possibly have a bone to pick with that show? Yeah, it was a little glurgey and Michelle was a brat, but come on! What kind of black-hearted wretch hates Full House?”
Allow me to explain.
In the Kissing Cousins episode, Uncle Jesse’s cousin Stavros (played in a dual role by John Stamos – oh, the magic of television!) comes to visit the Tanners.
Stavros is from Greece and basically serves as a massive stereotype of Mediterraneans. He’s rips off Joey (but Joey sucked so I don’t really care about that. Come on, dudes. He was a grown man with a cartoon fetish and a woodchuck puppet. It’s creepy, right?), he hits on Rebecca, he docks Danny with a $65 parking ticket, he has greasy hair and he eats weird food.
Like Goat Cheese and Lamb Pizza.
The Tanners react like a family who routinely eschew deliciousness in favor of things like Cheese Donuts — with revulsion.
Goat cheese! Ew! What kind of freak eats cheese from goats? Gross! Smelly! Things that are different are bad!
And thus, the insidious poison was planted. As far as I was concerned — goat cheese was for jerks.
Well, I’m happy to report that 28-year-old Jaime is a goat cheese seeking missile.
I will clamber over the bodies of the damned to get at some goat cheese (Augs’ mom made this amazing penne with roasted butternut squash and goat cheese and it was one of the most glorious things I’ve ever eaten. I ate it cold the next day and it was still good).
BUT for years, I missed out on its glory because of Full House.
Do you know how much goat cheese I could have eaten during those formative years? Enough to build a bridge between San Francisco and Athens!
I demand reparations for this and Stamos, I’m calling you out.
I’m willing to make peace, though (I’m not completely irrational, as I’m sure is evident by this post) — so, you bring the goat cheese pizza, I bring the Mythos Beer and we consider your egregious sin absolved. Sound like a plan?
P.S. — I wrote the word ‘goat’ too many times in this post and now, it looks funny. Does that ever happen to you?