It was bound to happen sometime.
With all the hooking up that goes on during the show, some lightbulb at MTV had a Eureka moment and blurted out, “Dude bros! You know what would be like, Bible bad-ass? Like, getting together all the exes for a Challenge? Amirite? Yeahhhh.”
And out of this spark, the newest incarnation of Real World/Road Rules Challenge was born.
This season features thirteen ex-couples all vying for big money. Let’s do a quick rundown to refamiliarize you with the cast members, shall we?
Abram and Cara Maria
Abram smears poop on walls (Google it).
Cara Maria likes ponies and has a lot of feelings.
CT and Diem
CT would punch through your solar plexus if you scuffed his sneaker. Yeah, he’s calmed down a little but I wouldn’t put it past him to murder my cat.
Diem had cancer but it’s in remission now.
Dunbar and Paula
Dunbar was in a porn (Google it)
Paula finally won a Challenge last season.
Dustin and Heather
Dustin is a gay-for-pay homophobe (Google it).
Heather is blonde and sprite-like.
Johnny and Camila
Bananas is the worst person ever.
Camila went to the Gulag a lot.
Leroy and Naomi
Leroy is the only likeable member of the cast.
Much to my irritation, Naomi says things like, “I don’t drive cars; I drive boys.”
Mark and Robin
I’m pretty sure Mark is an AARP member.
Robin is an asshole when she drinks.
Nate and Priscilla
All I know about these two bananaheads is that they’re from The Real World: San Diego.
Rachel and Aneesa
Rachel is one of the OG Mean Girls. She and Veronica engaged in some hardcore emotional terrorism anytime they got together.
Aneesa used to wander around the Chicago house naked.
Ty and Emily
Ty has anger issues and once tossed a roommate off a balcony.
Emily was on Road Rules with Timmy way back in 1996. No. No, she wasn’t. My sister says this is Emily from the DC season. Apparently, this chick was raised in a cult and digs on yoga.
Tyrie and Jasmine
Tyrie likes to fight.
Jasmine likes to fight.
Vinny and Sarah
Vinny looks like he belongs on Jersey Shore.
Sarah has tattoos and once, had a really ill-conceived crush on Mr. Beautiful.
Wes and Mandi
Wes is a little red-headed bitch who cries like an infant and has to be carried up mountains. Also, dude looks like wet pizza dough (according to the brilliant Figgy of Pajiba fame)
Mandi looks like pre-plastic surgery Heidi Montag and has interminably bad taste in men. She also had a thing for CT. Ew, Mandi. Ew.
After looking over this list, you will realize that there are a couple of glaring omissions:
Rachel and Sean – What? Now that you’re involved in civic life, you’re too good for reality television? You know, maybe if you competed in a challenge, you’d make a little cash. After all, in your world – six figures might as well be the bread line.
Trishelle and Stephen – Oh, the hot messery. Also, does anyone else think Stephen looks like Ryan Reynolds’ non-union body double?
Coral and Abram – Why do women want to get with this lunkhead? I care not for him – I just want my girl Coral back. She doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up!
And the most glaring omission of all – Wes/Johanna/Kenny.
Yes, it would be an unfair advantage as this team has three players as opposed to two but imagine the possibilities!
Every week, these three knuckleheads get together and decide who’ll jump into The Dome. Then, they learn what the mission is and vicious in-fighting ensues.
Also, the hatred simmering between Wes and Mr. Beautiful is probably at an all-time high, so I’m relatively certain someone would wake up with a live viper in their bed which would make for quality programming.
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes starts up at 10:00 pm on January 22 and the Recapstasy will be back in full effect.
I’m trying to set up a fantasy league for the show so if anyone has any idea how to pull off such a coup, please let me know.
Winner gets bragging rights, hugs and a handcrafted mix CD.