I’m driving home from work on Friday afternoon and start to feel like Mike Tyson smashed my left ear with a tire iron. So, I call Paps and complain about having an ear ache.
Me: I have this really bad ear ache. I haven’t had one in twenty years and this really hurts.
Paps: Take some olive oil and warm it up….
Me (cutting him off): I didn’t ask how to make a delicious Italian appetizer. I’m telling you I’m in pain.
(Sorry for being an asshole, Paps. It’s no excuse but I was in pain, cold and talking while driving…and driving in the Philly suburbs is one giant game of, ‘Holy Shit! Don’t Hit That Deer!’)
I hang up and decide to call Augs’ mom who’s been a nurse for over 30 years.
Me: I have this ear ache…
Augs’ Mom: Go to the doctor.
Me: No, I just need to know which medicine…
Augs’ Mom: If it’s near your head or your feet, you go to the doctor.
So, I go to the doctor and she says, “I’m glad you came in. The inside of your ear is really red and swollen.” Then, she gives me pills, spray and drops and I decide I want to be Mrs. Dr.
Yesterday morning, I awoke to discover I had completely lost my voice (which sucked because it meant I couldn’t yell epithets at Tom Brady during the Pats-Broncos game) and have spent the rest of the weekend in my pajama pants and hoodie, making hoarse bleating noises and hoping against hope that I feel better.
So, in the hopes of helping me to feel better, here is the first Holy Shit, I Love You of 2012 – five things that I am in love with that you should be in love with as well.
1. Lush’s Charity Pot – It is the dead of winter and my hands are as soft as baby lambs wearing $800 suede jackets. All thanks to the cosmetic wizards at Lush . Charity Pot is the best moisturizer I’ve ever bought, it smells yummy (cocoa butter and geranium) and proceeds go towards charity. Pick some up. It’s pretty fabulous.
2. Mediterranean Food – If it were legal for a girl to marry a falafel sandwich, I would be the first one down at City Hall. There’s this place by my office that sells the world’s most delicious, enormous pitas filled with crunchy, garlicky falafel, creamy hummus, zingy sumac onions and this bright green parsley herb sauce that I want to inject directly into bloodstream.
3. Organix Coconut Milk Conditioner – My hair feels great and better still, it smells like a coconut cream pie shake from Sonic. Note to self: Do not drink conditioner. Second note to self: Procure Coconut Cream Pie Milkshake.
4. Honey – Last night, I’m pretty sure I almost coughed up a lung. I had a legit coughing fit where I hunched over, turned purple and made noises that would terrify children, small domestic animals and a majority of medical professionals. My abs hurt today as a result. And then, I remembered the glory that is honey. It soothes your throat. It tastes great in tea and drizzled on buttery bagels and it comes in a cute bear! (Also, I call Augs ‘honeybear’ so there’s that.)
5. Sparkplug Minuet by Mark Mothersbaugh from The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack – I forget how pretty this is until I hear it. And then, I marvel at how buoyant a piece of music can make a person feel. Listen to this perfect piece of music. Feel light. Be happy.