If this world was a better place, the following would be true:
A) There would be an Instagram App and cute Kate Spade cases for the Droid (this is the most first worldy of my numerous first world problems).
B) Angel would have gotten at least one more season. I really wanted to see more of the gang at Wolfram & Hart. Also, Whedon would never have destroyed Fred. Damn you, Whedon! Wesley was finally happy!
C) Grantland would hook a girl up with a real fantasy draft for Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Like the one ESPN.com uses for NFL…but with way more points accrued for public intoxication and nudity.
Left to my own devices, I have to formulate my own fantasy team for the purposes of this blog. Last season, Team Crucio (because you know they would if they had the chance) did quite well and two of my picks (Bananas and Tyler) actually won the final Challenge.
This season, I’m left floating in the breeze again so here are my fake draft picks for the season. Ladies and gents — meet the Dirty Half Dozen:
Rookie Season: The Real World: Paris
Known For: Beating the shit out of Adam King, demanding that Adam King be his friend, being the cast member most likely to lunge at you and eat your liver.
Strengths: Everyone fears the Boston Beast
Weaknesses: The Boston Beast is getting soft in his old age. He was downright genial last season. I don’t approve of that.
Challenges Won: 0 (but you always pick the Boston Beast. Always)
Rookie Season: Road Rules: South Pacific
Known For: Having weirdo, animal-noise sexytime with Cara Maria, writing a children’s book, smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell.
Strengths: Smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell (crazy gets you far in this game)
Weaknesses: Smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell (there’s a limit to how far, though)
Challenges Won: 2
Rookie Season: The Real World: Cancun
Known For: Yelling. Oh God, so much yelling.
Strengths: She beat Sarah in a Jungle match-up.
Weaknesses: Wears her emotional instability right there on her sleeve. So easy to manipulate.
Challenges Won: 0
Rookie Season: The Real World: Las Vegas II
Known For: Being Mike’s BFF and being the only reasonable, rational member of the cast
Strengths: Solid competitor, disliking Zito (who sucks)
Weaknesses: Sleeping with dumb girls, not having Mike around
Challenges Won: 0
Rookie Season: The Real World: Austin
Known For: Being a ginger douchewaffle
Strengths: Dude is actually pretty funny.
Weaknesses: Cries like a little red-headed bitch when he gets a cramp, his sworn enemy (the glorious Mr. Beautiful, Kenny Santucci) slept with his ex-fiance…and then, CARRIED his whiny, whimpering ass up Mount Doom, dishes it out, can’t take it.
Challenges Won: 1
Rookie Season: Real World: Brooklyn
Known For: Having lots of tattoos
Strengths: Decent competitor, knows “the game”
Weaknesses: Girl had some seriously ill-advised crushes. She had a thing for her teammate Vinny (obviously) and that kid seems like a huge chowderhead. She also had a weird schoolyard crush on Kenny. I can’t blame her for the latter. Mr. Beautiful is fun to look at and wholly amusing. Now, please excuse me while I go and swallow bleach.
Challenges Won: 2
Grantland set up a scoring system here and the specific rules for RW/RR Challenge: Battle of the Exes are as follows:
Making TJ say, “You killed it”: 25 points
Winning elimination challenge: 10 points
Winning final challenge: 50 points
Leaving show due to injury: -50 points
Announcing you are “in control of the game” (or something close to it): 5 points
Slandering your ex’s sexual performance: 25 points
Cannibalism: 100 points
Inciting the arrival of a vehicle with a siren: 20 points (general rule added Season 2)
Assault of an inanimate object: 10 points (general rule added Season 2)
Cold sore possession: 15 points (general rule added Season 2)
I’ve got a good feeling about this season. I’ve got some strong competitors who ride high on the drama llama. It’s gonna be good, guys.