Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Two: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Last season, resident hothead Adam R. got punted for fighting in the first episode and was replaced by my favorite Real World cast member ever — Mike.

I’m a big advocate of Mike making a triumphant return to The Challenge for three reasons:

A) Mike hooked up with Paula and could be considered an ex based on the premise set up by the show. Bringing in Mike means getting rid of Dunbar – always a good thing because Dunbar sucks.
B) Mike hates Zito and calls him on his shit. This is both entertaining and emotionally satisfying as Zito sucks.
C) It would mean the triumphant return of Mike+Leroy – the world’s most awesome hetero life mates.

Since the series has already been filmed, I very much doubt I can send out a plea for this but to the fine producers at Bunim-Murray — make this happen next season.

We Like Mike!

See?

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks.

Second episode means we get to see the show’s openings credits. This is the second worst credits sequence in the history of the show – the first being the horrible approximation of Maori culture during The Duel 2.

Pre-challenge gives us a quick look at the couples and their history:

Wes is all sad panda because Mandi is currently dating someone else. But fear not, gentle reader! Gingerbread has a plan to get the ball back in his court.

Yes, he actually refers to Mandi as a ball.
No, I don’t understand how he’s single either.

Sarah enlightens us that the reason she and Vinny, who will heretofore be referred to as Jersey Shore Chaz Bono, are not together is because, “He’s got an IQ that’s less than I can count on my hand.”

Yup. Seems legit. However, in comparison to Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny may as well have mapped the human genome.

This episode also features our first fight and I’m pleased to say that a member of the Half Dirty Dozen was the one who started throwing some bows. Jasmine and Tyrie get into a spat and she launches all 86lbs of herself at him.

Aneesa – what is your face even doing?

He just kind of swats her off as if she was a pesky mosquito and she does what she does best – yell. Oh God, with the yelling.

Girl has a serious Napoleon complex and I’m kinda stoked about it. Her Scrappy Doo-ing will lead to all sorts of points.

Onto the Challenge!

Challenge: Hook Up

Again, there are two platforms suspended above the water. The goal is to get to the other side, beam by beam, using a giant fishhook. If you drop into the water, it’s an immediate disqualification

Bananas and Camilla (last week’s power couple) pick Wes and Camilla and Zito and Heather to go first. Both teams get DQ’d but Dustin+Heather manage to get two beams under their belt before dropping to the briny depths below.

Sarah and Jersey Shore Chaz Bono make it to the third beam prompting Paula to bust out a fat joke at his expense – “Vinny is really surprising me. Maybe I should be eating more lasagna too.”

CT and Diem’s pre-challenge confessional reminds me of a couple arguing at Home Depot. You know who I’m talking about — they stand in the middle of the paint aisle, passive-aggressively sniping about goldenrod versus saffron paint and making life shitty for every other customer there– and this eventually leads to them DQ’ing after hitting the two beam mark.

Goddamn Bananas and Camilla kill it and complete all six beams, so they go up against Vinny and Sarah to determine this week’s power couple.

A quick note about Johnny Bananas. I’m pretty certain he’s the worst person ever, so this season — I made a moral choice not to draft him for the Dirty Half Dozen.

I was an idiot. Ethics has no place in reality television fantasy. It doesn’t matter that Johnny Bananas is a scumbag and representative of the worst of the XX chromosome. He puts up points.

Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla

Challenge Losers: Leroy and Naomi

Power Couple: Vinny and Sarah

Post game, Sarah considers sending Tyrie and Jasmine into the Dome because they ride high on the drama llama. Personally, I think she’s just scared of Jasmine coming at her like Henery Hawk. It doesn’t take much to get that girl all amped up.

Vinny and Sarah apparently have a vendetta against Wes and he chalks this up to jealousy because apparently, he’s, “beat them at everything. At this game and in life.”

Sarah keeps espousing those whole notion of fairness to which I say, “That shit cray.” There is no room for fairness in The Game. You chop your opponent’s legs off at the knees and laugh while he bleeds. Talk to Bananas. He’ll tell you.

The house head out to experience the nightlife in the Dominican Republic. Under the guise of dancing, Aneesa starts coitusing Leroy on the dance floor and Naomi sees red but doesn’t really act on it.

Aneesa is a lucky girl. If she was messing with Coral’s man, she’s probably be in a coma right now. Coral doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up!

Despite this saving grace, Lee knows he should be worried.

“I’m gonna end up dead. The girl I slept with will end up dead. Any girl who knew about it but didn’t tell her will probably die too.”

You know, for a man whose bloody murder is imminent, my boy Leroy is cool as a cucumber.

After pounding shots-shots-shots, Vinny goes full Jersey Shore (read: morphs into even more of a beligerent asshole) and rips off Mandi’s shirt . As this is a direct violation of the rules and something that would get you curb-stomped in reality, Vinny gets chucked off the show.

Peace out, Jersey Shore Chaz Bono. You will not be missed.

Unfortunately, this means Sarah has to pack her bags and GTFO as well. I actually feel bad for her. It sucks that she has to pay for the sins of her douchebag partner but that’s The Game.

Dome Contestants: Leroy and Naomi versus Wes and Mandi

Dome Challenge: The X Battle

In a best of three contest, the goal is to rip a foam X out of your opponent’s hands. The stakes are higher for this challenge because the winners of this battle will be crowned power couple and get to determine who goes first in the next challenge.

Brimming with the kind of confidence everyone wants to hear from their partner, Naomi busts out with the following: “I’m not good at puzzles, I’m not good at climbing, I’m not good at most things.”

Great. From now on, Naomi will be referred to as Albatross.

The men go first and Wes goes at Lee like a goddamn spider monkey. But my boy is tenacious with a pitbull grip. He wins both rounds with some quickness, despite the fact that his arms feel like Jello.

The women are up next and Naomi looks like she’s going to eat Blondie, but Mandi is a tough little cookie and holds onto the X, winning both rounds.

A coin-toss determines that Wes and Leroy will be heading into the sudden death round.

Wes fucking barrel-rolls at Leroy and tries every single trick in his bag to hold onto the X, but it’s not enough and my boy Leroy pulls it out for the big W.

Dome Winners: Leroy and Naomi

This means that Wes and Mandi are heading home and that the Dirty Half Dozen are down to the Dirty Quartet.

Recapstasy:

Team Dirty Half Dozen is doing better than I previously thought. Last week, I missed TJ telling both CT and Sarah that they, “killed it” which, at 25 points a pop, puts us up to 60 points.

Now, this week’s points:

Sarah being kicked off: 100 points
Sarah crying: 5 points
Jasmine fighting: 25 points
Leroy winning the Dome: 10 points

Which means that as of right now, the Dirty Half Dozen is currently sitting pretty with 200 points.

Quote of the Week:

This week’s quote comes courtesy of the Ginger Ninja himself as he bends over backwards to ingratiate himself to Mandi. His game was soft like ice cream but this was definitely the worst of it:

“I haven’t got a shot in hell, but I can’t wait to go to sleep because when I go to sleep? Maybe I do.”

OK, what the fuck, Wes? I don’t know what your game is, friend but there’s no way it’s going to work. These sugary-sweet platitudes and you talking about love and respect and wifing broads up? Yeah. No. Not buying it.

I know dudes like this. I fell for dudes like this. And you know what? It never worked out. Why? Because dudes like this are full of shit! They don’t mean this stuff – they just wanna take a trip to the candy shop.

Of course, he IS trying to romance Mandi, so who knows? Maybe we’ll see these two next season on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Couples Showdown.

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