Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Three: Where Did Our Love Go?

You know what my favorite thing about the show is so far?

Boom.

Like a bad habit.

I also really like the fact that every episode title to date has been a song with the word ‘love’ in the title. I’m kind of a music geek and appreciate these little nods so I would like to recommend five songs that should be featured as episode titles:

1. Lover I Don’t Have To Love by Bright Eyes
2. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
3. Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
4. Love Is A Losing Game by Amy Winehouse
5. You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi

And this is why my mix CDs are better than the ones your high school boyfriend/girlfriend made for you.

Anyway, we’re back in the DR and shit’s getting real.

And by real, I mean Abram is being a weirdo as usual. He’s in a funk and doesn’t want to pretend to be friends with people. See, it’s not his first rodeo and he’s all honey badgered up — dude just doesn’t give a shit.

Man, I hate this kid. He’s so pretentious. Oh, I’m an artist. Look at my ridiculous, hand-drawn tattoos! I have deep feelings! Ugh. Abram is the worst.

Dipshit that he is, Zito smashes his knee open while walking down some steps and Bananas offers to suck him off.

Wait, what?

No. No. No.

Bananas offers to suck the poison out if it’s a snakebite. Thanks, guy….I’ll keep that in mind?

Zito goes to the hospital and gets five stitches.

I realize the dude just hurt himself, but for a couple of exes, Heather and Zito are awfully sweet to one another.

They meet up at the Blue Lagoon for the challenge and Teej has bad news. Busted knee + open wound means Zito is going home and Heather is following suit.

Ummm, what? They’re sending people home left and right for things completely unaffiliated with The Dome. Good thing I didn’t pick these two or the Dirty Half Dozen.

Challenge: Mental Connection

A team member lays on a board suspended on a board 25 feet above the water. Teej will ask questions. If they get the question wrong, they get launched off the platform and smash straight into the water below.

The first run starts with Team Paula and Dunbar vs Team Abe and Cara Maria

Abe is pissed about being chosen first and looks forward to dicking over Lee and Naomi for this travesty.

Teej starts the pairs off with pop culture questions. Paula and Dunbar breeze through this but Abe gets stumped when asked who is Britney Spears’ ex and father of her children? He answers ‘Aaron Drake’ (not a thing, dude) and is pitched straight into the depths below. Adios, dummy. Shoulda kept up with your Perez Hilton.

Cara Maria shits the bed when asked who Madonna’s famous ex is. You know, the star of I Am Sam and Milk? She responds Guy Ritchie. Horseshoes and hand grenades, sweet pea. Enjoy the briny depths.

Dunbar gets pitched when he can’t answer the first season Teej hosted. It was Gauntlet 2.

Paula dumps when she says John Wilkes Booth assassinated JFK. Oh, what the what? Really? Is this the state of public schools in this country now? Do you not get History Channel? Have you never opened a book? It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Or, you know, the Cubans, the CIA or the mob…depending on which conspiracy theory you believe.

Jasmine gets dumped when she says the Inferno was the first season to take place in Africa. Close, but no cigar sweetheart. It was the Inferno 3 which took place in Cape Town, South Africa.

Ty gets dumped when he spells ‘Insignificance’ wrong.

Emily gets dumped when she says MJ gave up basketball to play golf in 1993. Nope! Air Jordan was all about pursuing America’s past time and thankfully, he returned to the game that made him a legend. 1996 Bulls, anyone?

Tyrie thinks Picasso cut off his own ear. No — Picasso painted Guernica and banged a bunch of broads. Van Gogh was the one who engaged in self-surgery.

Bananas thinks Me, Myself and Irene won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2011. It was The King’s Speech, you jackanape. Why are you allowed to talk? Just shhhh, OK? Baby goes to sleep now.

Camila thought Hugh Hefner was engaged to Bob Marley. Say what you will about Hef, I’m relatively certain dude isn’t down with necrophilia. And for those of you who care about who a wrinkly old man is currently plowing, it’s some blonde named Crystal Harris.

CT thinks Danny and Melinda were on Inferno 2 and takes a bath as a result. Turns out they were actually on Gauntlet 3…with CT.

Diem spells Etiquette with a D .

Leroy doesn’t know who Jerry Hall is much less which rock star she married, so he gets wet. It’s Mick Jagger. How do you not know this?

Abram doesn’t know this either, so he asks Cara Maria who responds, “Spice Girl.”

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, AMERICA.

Naomi doesn’t know Cher was married to Sonny Bono.

Rachel can’t spell auditorium. Jesus, the hell with physical challenges. If you wanna see these guys quake in their Nikes, set up a spelling bee.

Aneesa thinks Billy Joel divorced Kate Moss instead of Christie Brinkley, smashes into the water face-first and starts bleeding. Medics are called and she gets stitches all up in her lip.

Mark says that Nate and Pricilla’s jerseys were yellow instead of gray.
.
Robin doesn’t even bother answering her question because she has no idea that Kate Hudson used to be married to Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes.

So, what have we learned from this game? Two simple things:

A) No-one on this show can spell for shit.
B) They all have terrible, terrible taste in music.

If you ever need a Quizzo team mate – do not pick one of these knuckleheads. You will lose. You know who you should pick? Your neighborhood friendly blogger. Just sayin’.

Since we have a couple of ties, the teams go into a final round to determine the power couple and who will be heading into The Dome.

Since Aneesa’s still hanging out in the ambulance, pulling teeth out of her mouth, this challenge will be Rachel versus Team Dunbar+Paula.

Good Ol’ Boy Dunbar thinks the capital of Alabama is Huntsville, so he takes a bath. Good job, dipshit. It’s actually Montgomery.

Rachel gets pitched because she doesn’t know a female deer is called a doe (someone didn’t watch Sound of Music as a child. Neither did I, but dude – everyone knows that song).

Thanks to Paula and her knowledge of children’s stories, she and Dunbar are safe from The Dome this week.

Now, it’s time for the losers to step up to the plate.

Cara Maria thinks pasta is the main ingredient of risotto, so she gets chucked.
Leroy takes a bath because he didn’t know that Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger and slept for 100 years.
Naomi doesn’t know a vixen is a female fox and gets dumped.

So, it looks like Lee and Naomi are heading back into The Dome.

Challenge Winners: Rachel and Aneesa and Dunbar and Paula.

Challenge Losers: Leroy and Naomi

Power Couple: Dunbar and Paula

Post game:

Diem recounts the story of her relationship with CT to Abram who fakes some tears and uses the tale to drive home a point about his relationship with Cara Maria. See, the reason they’re no longer together is because Cara Maria doesn’t want to give in to Abram’s love. It’s totally got nothing to do with the fact that he was arrested and smeared his own feces on the jail cell wall. Totally.

That’s gross so let’s move onto The Dome.

Dome Contestants: Leroy and Naomi versus Ty and Emily

Naomi is super pissed about this and thinks Paula is a “dumb bitch” and brutally unfair for picking Emily the Glamazon to go up against the 5’ tall Naomi. She would love nothing more than to spit in Paula’s face and if she wins this Dome Challenge, I get the feeling that’s exactly what she’ll do.

Dome Challenge: Banded Together

Each player is connected to their partner by a rubber band which is also connected to a pole. Race across and hold onto the opposing pole for five seconds and you win the challenge.

Teej sounds the horn and it’s action stations. Ty and Emily are doing it ass-backwards according to Abram while Lee and Naomi have a much better strategy.

Unfortunately, this strategy means dick and Ty and Emily end up winning.

Dome Winners: Ty and Emily.

Ever the gracious winner, Lee says Naomi gave 110% and that he’s proud of her. I love this guy and it sucks that I lose yet another member of the Dirty Half Dozen. We’re down to the Dirty Three now.

Paula better watch her back because Emily is going to be gunning for that ass.

Recapstasy:

Team Dirty Half Dozen SUCKED this week. We lost yet another team mate and gained 0 points. Yup. Big fat goose egg which leaves us at 200 points after three weeks of play.

And finally:

Quote of the Week:

“If you smash the next chick in The Dome, I’ll smash you all night” – CT.

Seriously, CT. Here’s my purse and all my credit cards. Just please don’t eat my liver.

Who says that to a girl and actually expects it to work?!

Smashed? Really?

What do you think? I’ve got a fucking metallurgy shop down there?

Jesus, Boston Beast. I realize I bagged on Wes last week for his cotton candy game but in comparison — I think I’d take the Ginger Ninja over you. There’s a much greater chance of me actually surviving that encounter with my limbs still intact.

Advertisements

One thought on “Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Three: Where Did Our Love Go?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s