Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Six: Tainted Love

Last week, I had ALL the first world problems.

My cable guide wouldn’t pop up and my router started doing this thing where the lights glowed amber and it refused to connect to the internet meaning I had to watch the new Avengers trailer on my phone,

ON. MY. PHONE.

I KNOW.

Look at the hell you hath wrought, Verizon Fios. This was the worst thing ever. Worse than war and famine and disease and when you step on a Lego barefoot.

So that being the case, my recap for this week’s episode of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge is late and for that, I apologize.

I’m sure the entire internet has been waiting with baited breath.

Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Challenge: Lube It Up.

Teej actually apologizes for the name of this one and who can blame him? Now that Leroy’s gone, he’s the only one left with a modicum of dignity.

This challenge is basically a game straight out of the Frat Boy Olympics. Contestants swoosh down a slip-n-slide covered in lube, grab a ball and need to bring it back to the starting line. There are more balls than contestants so things get really slippery.

Ha! See what I did there? I’m expecting your call any day, New York Times.

In the interest of attracting a whole new readership to my blog — this challenge can be summed up thusly: lubed up naked dudes and balls.

Welcome to the disappointment, new readership!
You wanna talk about Chipotle, Friday Night Lights or The Replacements?
Of course you don’t!

OK, then — let’s get back to the game.

Because they’re a same-sex couple, Aneesa and Rachel have the added advantage of working together to knock bitches out, so they use their collective force on Camilla.

She might be small and violently crazysauce when drunk, but she’s a wiry, tenacious broad and doesn’t let Team Racneesa get the better of her. Good for you, Camilla.

It physically pains me to say this, but got dang — Bananas is killing it. Like, legit housing everyone else and again, I horse-kick myself in the face for not picking this guy for the Dirty Half Dozen.

So much so that Teej actually gives the guy at pat on the back. That’s the equivalent of getting a high five from the Pope.

Challenge Winners: Johnny Bananas and Camilla
Challenge Losers: Paula and Dunbar
Power Couple: Johnny Bananas and Camilla

Remember last week when Paula said her relationship/flirtation with Ty was G-rated? This week, it goes from G-rated to G-string thus proving that Paula is an idiot for three reasons:

A) She has a boyfriend.
B) Last season, she hooked up with Mike. I get that — he’s really cute and a sweet guy. But Ty? Not getting it at all. Yes, he’s good-looking with a killer body but he’s a dipshit!
C) Ty’s game is garbage. Who falls for a guy who says he wants to see you as his ‘baby mama’? Yeah ’cause nothing’s hotter than calling a guy to ask he pays his damn child support on time. To quote a great philosopher, if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Paula and Ty engage in Blanket-Ensconced Sexytimes a mere ten feet away from Ty’s partner (and former hook-up) Emily. Which leads me to wonder – how good can BES possibly be? I mean, you can’t breathe, you don’t really get full range of motion and the chowderheads you live with are all packed into the room, hooting, hollering and judging you.

The Boston Beast and Diem get into it again while watching Ty and Paula flirt at the club. He says that their flirtation reminds him of how CT and Diem used to be. A point which Diem disagrees with because Ty and Paula is just horny assholery whereas what CT and Diem had was real.

This makes the Boston Beast crazy and a shouting match ensues where he screams that no-one in his family liked Diem and they all thought she was fake as shit.

HULK SMASH! WHY YOU MAKE HULK FEEL FEELINGS?!

To appropriate the words of another street philosopher, quit playing games with his heart, Diem.

Dome Challenge: Banded Together

Each player is connected to their partner by a rubber band which is also connected to a pole. Race across and hold onto the opposing pole for five seconds and you win the challenge.

Team DunPaul are rubberband man/wild like the Taliban and Aneesa is a garbage competitor, so this challenge ends in the most expected way.

Dome Winners: Paula and Dunbar

Meaning Rachel and Aneesa are packing their knives and going home. Next challenge, I want to see Team RachOnica. Get Rachel and Veronica together and you’re guaranteed that shit’s gon’ get real.

Recapstasy:

Who gives a shit? Unless CT disembowels someone on the show and goes on an anti-Semitic rant, I’ve got nothing.

Quote of the Week:

No quote this week due to the tardiness but tune in next week for further pearls of wisdom from our favorite chowderheads.

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