Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Seven: Love and Marriage

Camilla’s meltdown and Jasmine’s predilection towards yelling aside, the cray hasn’t really been front and center this season and I blame that on the fact that Julie the Mormon isn’t on the show.

Blondie looks sweet and innocent but this girl is Crackerjack cray.

During the N’Awlins season, she wrestled a broad named Squirrel. Let me repeat that for those in the cheap seats — this little blonde sprite of a girl decided it would be a good idea to willfully engage in fisticuffs with a GIRL NAMED SQUIRREL.

Then, she decided it would be a good idea to wrestle (dude, what is up with you and body-to-body combat? You need to lay off the WWE there, Cactus Jack) Coral which lead to the greatest RW/RR quote of all time — “I don’t wrestle; I fucking beat bitches up.” Damn straight, Coral.

She also tried to unhook Veronica’s harness during a mission and cost her team $10,000 during the Time to Ride mission, which is always great for amping up the anger level in the house.

Even though I really dislike her on the show, I’m thinking MTV needs to being back Julie the Mormon and the buckets o’ batshit she brings with her.

There might be a Mormon in the White House (nope) so there should be one on The Challenge.

And speaking of everyone’s favorite reality show….

We open Ty and Emily fighting during a raging storm. Ty screams that he’s leaving and the entire scene in shot in a dark gray tone so you know it’s serious.

All of a sudden, WHOOSH! It’s two days earlier and the contestants are on a boat heading to Paradise Island. Out of nowhere, a drunken man in a scraggly beard shows up screaming about how they have to go back.

Wait, what?

Oh. My bad. That’s Lost, not the Challenge.

Anyway, Paradise Island – drinks! Conga! Good times! The air is heavy with the heady scent of sunblock and the promise of homoeroticism

See, Johnny Bananas says that guys just have a fear of letting another guy apply sunblock to them. It’s already weird and if you multiply it by 100 and make it super weird, it’s not weird anymore. Bananas has totally used this argument to justify doing it with dudes, hasn’t he?

CT and Diem are discussing their fight and it takes a serious turn when Diem apologizes for not being there for CT when his brother died. They’re actually being really mature about this. What the hell has happened to the Boston Beast? When did this dude grow up?

Challenge: Race To The Altar

This challenge is a bridal themed obstacle course. Complete a task and collect a memento. The last two standing will be the power couple.

The most important thing about any wedding (besides the reception playlist and getting hammered) is the dress. So, the challengers have to get all dolled up in tuxes and gowns before heading to the first event.

Task 1: Dig up a garter. Ty and Emily do not find the garter so they are eliminated and are going straight to the Dome.

Task 2: Eat two tiers of a three tier cake and grab a veil. The Boston Beast and Diem house this challenge and head straight to the next event. Bananas and Camilla fail this challenge and are eliminated from the rest of the competition. Food challenges skeeve me out. I can’t begin to imagine inhaling that much wedding cake.

Task 3: Change a flat tire. Diem says CT is killing it. Hey! That Teej’s line! Robin and Old Man River are eliminated from this challenge which leaves Team Boston Beast and Team DunPaula.

Task 4: Carry bride across the finish line. Team Boston Beast gets a head start and start trudging down the beach but Team DunPaula are hot on their trail…until they fall into the surf.

Task 5: Race to the altar. A mission that Team Boston Beast accomplishes with the greatest of ease. An exchange of rings, a little smooch and the proclamation from Teej that everything’s good. Awww, he’s a romantic at heart.

Challenge Winners: CT and Diem
Challenge Losers: Ty and Emily
Power Couple: CT and Diem

Team Boston Beast have a celebratory romantic dinner post-challenge and start discussing what to do with the boneheads upstairs. Nothing says true love better than politicking and screwing over your housemates.

Team Boston Beast set up a Five Families style sitdown with the other teams and CT establishes one thing – everyone should be worried.

CT might be a grown-up now but that doesn’t mean he’s above plunging his meaty paws into your chest cavity and ripping out your still-beating heart. After all, man’s gotta eat.

Post discussion, the challengers go out on the town and have a faux bachelor/bachelorette party. Shots are knocked back, smooches are exchanged and CT removes Diem’s garter belt with his teeth. It’s all fun and games….until they get back at the house and Camilla and Emily decide it would be funny to dress up like Ty and Paula.

Emily, being the brain trust she is, covers her face in chocolate. You know, for that authentic feel.

It’s 2012, guys. Do we really not understand that blackface is wildly and grossly racist?

This affects Ty to the point where he decides he wants to go home.

Camilla, having the compassion of a mozzarella stick, basically says fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke and Ty starts packing his bags.

Emily tries to apologize and says she wasn’t coming from a bad place and that she wasn’t thinking it was a racist gesture. She says she grew up in a very sheltered environment and that she’s never even heard of blackface.

Apparently, Emily was raised in a hardcore religious sect as a child and therefore, is a little culturally dense. Mark calls it a get out of jail free pass for bad behavior but at a certain point — you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions.

She may have grown up in a cult but she’s not a child anymore and the onus is on her to educate herself.

Ty decides to sleep on it and the next morning, the house is still cement thick with tension. Ty and Emily talk it out. Emily apologizes and Ty states that it’s not about Emily’s racist actions. It’s a greater issue — why she did it and the level of trust that was violated by the action. Ty accepts Emily’s apology and they decide to move forward with the challenge.

Team Boston Beast leave their decision to the last minute and decide The Dome contestants this time around will be Ty and Emily versus….

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

Oh, MTV! You merciless tease!

If I was a betting woman (and I’m not because being in casinos is like being trapped in a pinball machine), I would guess that Team DunPaul is heading into the Dome but we won’t know until next week.

I’ll see you guys then. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

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