Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Nine: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

They have pounded through jet streams and thrown chairs out of windows.

They have exposed breasts, dressed up like extras in a low-rent production of The Lion King, stoked the flames of hatred and lust and drank every last drop of liquor in the Dominican Republic.

They have been marginally less embarrassing than the cast of Jersey Shore.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, they have killed it.

And now, the Challengers head to the frigid peaks of Iceland for a final battle royale, Iditarod style for a grand prize of $150,000

But before they do, Mark and Robin must face Bananas and Camila in the final Dome Challenge.

But first – we party! CT and Diem are grinding up on one another on the dance floor while Bananas is hanging out with a dog (yup) and bitching about heading into the final Dome event.

Ty admits that he wants to see Robin and Mark come back, which is a pretty smart strategy considering that Robin is a blubbery mess. Weepy don’t win big money.

Bananas steals my AARP joke and Mark decides to go old-school and brings back the bandanna. Yup — that red relic from 1995. Was Camilla even a glint in the milkman’s eye back then? Probably not.

God, I’m old. Give me a second while I drown my sorrows in gin and the Gin Blossoms (whatever, dudes. Hey Jealousy is a great song).

The name of the game is X Battle. At this point, y’all are familiar with how this goes down. I’m actually looking forward to this event – it’s brutal, vicious and puts the challengers in painfully close proximity.

Oh dear God. If this was ancient Rome, I’d be screaming for the blood of the Christians, wouldn’t I? Yeah…kinda disgusted with myself right about now.

Anyway, forging on!

First up are the ladies and Camila is ready to make magic happen. Unfortunately for her, Robin hulks out. She climbs on top of Camila and has this look on her face that can only be described as feral. It isn’t enough and Camila snags the victory away from Robin.

Round 2 – Mark suggests Robin bite Camila in the face. You know, I’m liking Grandpa more and more and maybe if Robin listened to him, she wouldn’t have crapped the bed when it came to this challenge. Camila walks away from this challenge a big winner.

The men are next and they’re basically junkyard dawgs fighting over a bone. Bananas draws blood, Old Man River sees red – “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!” – and threatens to kill Bananas. He doesn’t commit to full homicide but manages to flip Bananas on his back and then, bounces him up and down like a ragdoll.

Round three starts with Bananas looking like he wants to drive the steel X into Mark’s chest. After bending Mark’s arm and wrist back, Bananas wrenches the X away from Mark for the win.

Mark’s loss ends with a sweet little montage of the past seventeen years of competition. He says he’s going to close this chapter of his life, but Real World/Road Rules Challenge is like the mafia – just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.

And then, there are six:

CT and Diem
Ty and Emily
Bananas and Camila

And this sextet is heading to Iceland.

After an eight hour flight, the challengers land in Reykjavik. Current temperature? A toasty THREE DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

They head to B5 for absinthe shots, get wasted (sidebar: Diem totally looks like she’s having a sexy epileptic fit when she dances. She flips her hair back and forth, she flips her hair back and forth and just….no. Stop it, cute little blonde girl. Just stop) and then, head back to the house where they’re overcome with sentimentality. If I didn’t know these guys were all douchebags, it would be kinda sweet.

Diem’s nervous about looking like the weak link and CT consoles her in a pretty sweet way — “This challenge is about heart…and I got the trump card. Because you got the biggest one.”

Whoa, what is going on here? When did the Boston Beast become anything other than a bone-crushing lunatic? Am I actually complimenting CT?

What are you doing to me, MTV? What kind of black magic IS this?

The challengers put on their ninja gear and head out to meet Teej. It is -16°F in Iceland. NEGATIVE SIXTEEN.

How are you people doing this? If it drops below 67°F, I start screaming about frigid temperatures and polar bears ransacking my garbage.

The final challenge is called Viking Quest and if the challengers don’t finish they don’t get paid.

The premise is simple – it’s a race with checkpoints. The challengers have to get to the checkpoints and claim an artifact. Seven artifacts unlocks the big money .

The first part of the challenge is a dogsled race to the first artifact and then, the challengers have to run to the next checkpoint.

There’s a lot of yelling, a lot of cute doggies running and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m distracted by the adorable fluffy puppies. Look at their little faces and their fluffy little ears!

CT and Diem make it to the checkpoint before everyone else and start the next phase of the race. Since the days are shorter in Iceland, it isn’t long before night falls and the temperature drops even further to -20°F

The next check point is called River Plunge.

The challengers have to strip down to their undies, jump in a river whose temperature is -1.1°F, touch a buoy and then, jump back onto land.

A mere thirty seconds in this water will cause hypothermia. Camila has seen people die like this…in movies. So you know it’s legit and terrifying.

Whoever has the quickest time wins the best sleeping arrangement on the glacier. Yup. They’re sleeping on a glacier tonight.

CT jumps in LIKE A BOSS and even though he feels like he crapped a six-pack of ice cubes, Team Boston Beast accomplish this feat in an impressive 19 seconds.

Camilla and Bananas are up next and they complete the mission in an even more impressive 17 seconds.

Emily and Ty dive into the icy depths and KILL it with a time of 14 seconds.

After two challenges, CT and Diem are leading the pack and therefore, get the best sleeping arrangement on the glacier.

Teej leads them to a campsite where Team Boston Beats is decked out in luxury – heating lamps and deer skins while Ty and Emily – who came in last – get a tent with, “two little yoga mats on top of the frozen tundra.”

When they awake (if they awake. I’m pretty sure I would welcome the sweet release of death if I was stuck in that hellish, frozen wasteland), they move on to the next five challenges.

And I cannot wait to see them. This is probably my favorite finale ever so far and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the sadist producers have in mind.

Next week is the final episode of the season so prepare for frostbite, tears and at least one shot of the Boston Beast with blood dribbling down his chin.

I knew MTV wouldn’t let me down.

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