Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Ten: I Will Always Love You

Me: Eeee! Real World/Road Rules Challenge finally DVR’d! I can watch it now!
Augs: Yup. Only a week after everyone else…

I regret nothing. I would much rather see Springsteen than the d-bag exploits of Johnny Bananas. However, since recapping this show is kinda my thing, I figured I would be remiss if I didn’t write a post about the finale.

Day late, buck short. Story of my life.

Anyway, let’s get this frost fest started, shall we?

When we last left our valiant Viking warriors, they were trudging through the Icelandic tundra, plunged in icy rivers, camped out in the snow and basically faced the ninth circle of hell in the hopes of winning big cash.

Teej wakes the challengers up at 5:00 am and leads them to the next and final challenge – Viking Quest. The challengers have to climb up a glacier for 12 miles, hitting several checkpoints and picking up artifacts to solve the final puzzle.

I swear, this entire finale is just nothing more than sadistic paycheck courtesy of the producers. They were probably tired of the challengers trashing the house and basically acting like the world’s most entitled chowderheads, so they chose to punish them in this way.

Feast for a Viking – finish a traditional Icelandic feast before continuing onto the next checkpoint. If the challengers were expecting a continental breakfast, they’re in for some serious disappointment. This is the kind of meal that would make Andrew Zimmern tent his shorts and the average American shit his pants. Head of what looks like a cow, soured shark and a horn of blood. This is the first time in like, 12 years that Diem is eating meat. Yeah…she’s gonna go back to veganism real quick.

Bananas says that one of CT’s hobbies is smashing heads and eating it so therefore, this challenge poses no challenge. He’s not wrong. Look at this kid.

Dude kills it. Eats the head and drinks all the blood. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Boston Beast.

Checkpoint #4: Smash a box with a rock , grab a key and unlock some snow shoes. CT and Diem make it to the checkpoint first BUT due to issues putting on the snow shoes, they lose their lead.

Checkpoint #5: It’s a puzzle! Which means imminent death for pretty much all RW/RR Challengers. Diem experiences a moment of enlightenment, figures it out and CT says he loves this about her. You know, I shouldn’t be so sweet on a guy who just drank a horn of blood but come on — that’s pretty damn endearing. Also awesome? The fact that Team Boston Beast destroy their completed puzzle so the other two teams can’t see it. Way to place The Game, dudes.

Checkpoint #6: What an Ice Hole. The challengers have to smash their way through a snow drift to claim their next artifact. They smash, they crawl through a coffin of icy death and emerge on the other side.

My two favorite quotes from this checkpoint are:

Diem: CT is murdering this. It’s invigorating seeing him crush this icehole.
Bananas: My motivation is to not die inside of here

Luckily, none of the challengers die and all move onto the next checkpoint. However, it’s not looking good for The Boston Beast. See what happens when he only gets one horn of blood for breakfast? Growing boy like that needs three, maybe four. And none of this reindeer blood nonsense. We need straight human. Preferably baby.

Checkpoint #7: Sliced Up. A barely functional CT and Diem make it to the next check point to solve another puzzle. Team Bananas and Team Boston Beast are neck and neck here but at the last moment, Team Boston Beast pull it out.

I’m actually feeling bad for Bananas here. Dude looks exhausted and he’s got icicles forming on his eyelashes. I figure this will last until he opens his mouth again.

Team Bananas finish up just as Ty and Emily make it to the checkpoint.

Once all the teams collect all the artifacts, the race is really on. CT turns on the turbo and the final challenge is to arrange the artifacts in order and then, race to the finish.

Fatigue has set in and these guys are just drained. Completing the puzzle is even more of a trial than usual. Once again, Team Bananas and Team Boston Beast are neck and neck.

Diem finally completes the puzzle and Team Boston Beast are on their way up the mountain to victory. However once again, Bananas and Camila are hot on their trail.

The Boston Beast is done, y’all. Team Bananas have passed him and the kid is just gassed. Dude, watching this finale is making me tired. The producers must really, really hate these guys.

Camila passes the Boston Beast who is trudging in the snow like some sort of wounded bear. Being an awesome partner, Diem keeps encouraging CT and never once yells at him.

Bananas and Camila literally collapse at the finish line, winning the final challenge.

Goddamn it. Effing Bananas for the win. Again.

Bananas and Camila win first place.
CT and Diem win second place.
Ty and Emily pull up the rear with third place.

Another challenge down and since the show’s been renewed for a new season, I’m looking forward to seeing what the next iteration will bring. Here’s to hoping we get a little more drama, a lot more cray and the triumphant return of Mr. Beautiful.

See y’all next time.

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