Adventures In Culinary Assembly Or, Baked Three-Cheese Jalapeno Poppers

As I’m making these, Paps calls and asks for the recipe.

This means he wants to go out, buy a bunch of stuff, chop a pepper or two and then, pester Mom with about six billion inane questions until she gets annoyed and decides just to do it herself.

The man has this down to an art form and if I didn’t have to suffer as a result of it, I would actually be quite impressed.

Also, I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing – “Mom! How do I…?” “Where’s the….?” “How do I know when…?”

Swear to God, that woman’s patience knows no bounds. If I have kids like me, I’m going to eat my own fist.

So, here is the recipe you requested, Paps. Look dude — you’ve got step-by-step directions with pictures. Leave Mom alone and let her enjoy her Sunday.

Since I learned nothing from yesterday’s shimmying debacle, I decided to crank the Vicky Cristina Barcelona soundtrack for today’s adventure. Sunshine, Spanish guitar and cooking are a pretty perfect Sunday in my world.

Let’s get started!

You will need:

2 lbs of jalapeno peppers
1 15oz container of cream cheese. I got the Whipped kind because it was on sale and it’s easier to mix.
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
1 1/4 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
Panko breadcrumbs (not pictured)

Grab a pepper and lop off the end with the stem.

Hey! I found a pepper the size of a Volvo!

Cut the pepper in half lengthwise and remove all the membrane and seeds. You can do this using a knife or just use your thumbs. Yay evolution!

Do this for ad infinitum. Do not wipe your hands on your bare flesh. Trust me on this one. Once you’ve cut them up, set them aside.

It’s time to make the filling. Dump your cream cheese in a bowl and add 1/4 of cumin and a 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne. Why are we adding cayenne to jalapenos? Because we’re not wussies. Go big or go home.

Mix vigorously (preferably while dancing in your kitchen) and then, add the cheeses.

Stir again until all ingredients are blended. Now, it’s time to stuff. You could be dainty and use a spoon but dudes — cooking is about getting your hands dirty. Grab a blob of the cheese mixture and start jamming it into the pepper casings.

Once stuffed, sprinkle with breadcrumbs. You don’t have to use Panko — you can use regular breadcrumbs, cornmeal, smashed tortilla chips. Whatever makes you happy.

Bake at 350ºF for 30 minutes, broiling for the last two.

Remove from oven and let sit.

Final verdict – Holy dear God, they’re spicy! My lips are tingling, my nose is running and I’m a little short of breath. So, basically? They’re delicious! They’re also creamy, crunchy, salty and the perfect accompaniment to a very cold beer or icy margarita.

I hope you make them and if you do, let me know what you think!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to chug a gallon of ice water.

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4 thoughts on “Adventures In Culinary Assembly Or, Baked Three-Cheese Jalapeno Poppers

  1. They are delish! As soon as I am confident I can leave the house without having my face melt off of my skeleton, I will be going to the grocery store and purchase the requisite items. Thank you…and yes, I know, this is like spring in FLA….

    • I have a bag of peppers at home – let me know if you want me to bring them in!
      And as much as I love the heat, I have to admit that it is hotter than FL. Florida usually never hits triple digits. It just hovers in the mid 90s and the air feels like soup. God, I love that feeling!

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