I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For Or, The Googles! They Do Nothing! Part III

Time for another look at the bizarre Google searches that lead everyone who isn’t my parents to my blog:

If you were born between 1981-1987, there’s a pretty good chance that Kelly Kapowski is your dream girl and my blog hits certainly reflect that. In the past couple of months, I got 58 separate hits for ‘Kelly Kapowski’ and assorted other hits for the following:

kelly kapowski hair
kelly kapowski make-up
kelly kapowski jeans
kelly kapowski skirt

So, to everyone out there pining away for Bayside’s teen queen, this one’s for you. And for you, I mean mostly for Biffle. Keep dreaming the impossible dream, jefe!

what are solar plexus on a cat? – So, I was utterly confused by this (mostly because of the grammar) but after doing a little research, I learned that this search probably came about as the result of a song called Don Gato – a charming little ditty about a cat who fell off a roof and broke his solar plexus. To answer the question, I don’t know where the solar plexus is on a cat and I honestly have no interest in discovering the answer. I’m a dog person.

she punch his solar plexus – Yeah. Another solar plexus search. If she is me, I can assure you there has been no solar plexus punching in my life.

raging erection bed naked – Ummm, what? Dudes, no. Just…no. Look, this spot is all power-pop, sandwiches, gin and entirely too many words spilled on music. You want sexytimes – try any other joint on the internet. Anyone who reads this blog knows it’s abundantly clear that Jaime ≠ sexytimes.

yelling at god – Yup. I yell at all sorts of fictional characters.

vinny jersey shore tattoo – The tattoo on his chest says, “Let Go Let God.” That’s also the slogan slapped on Philosophy’s Grace products. I don’t know why I know the former. In a related story, I hate myself.

greg dulli cooking italian – I don’t know that Greg Dulli cooks but if his cooking is like his music? It’ll probably result in numerous pregnancies.

when did dave grohl get so sexy? – The Walking After You video. White tees, whispered words and well-cut suits. It might as well be a how-to.

why are ty’s lips chapped on battle of the exes – Because he didn’t pack his Chapstick? That seems reasonable, right?

tumblr girl slap – This will make no sense to anyone except my sister. So, to my sister – HA! This is a thing! And you know what? It’s TRUE!

fluffy fat puppies – I’m a sucker for dogs. They see me coming a mile away and know I’ll give them people food, belly rubs and tushy-scratchies.

I call them that.
In babytalk.

It’s ridiculous. But you don’t care about that. You just wanna see the puppies. Here you go:


badass gay guys – Pretty much every gay guy I know is a bad-ass. Actually, pretty much every guy I know is a bad-ass. I’m really lucky to have such cool men in my life.

you are the bain of my life and the butt of my jokes – This would mess with my self-esteem but it’s b-a-n-e not b-a-i-n. HA! Self-worth preserved by poor spelling.

tim riggins — All day. Every day.

One of the greatest scenes in the history of television, Coach tells Riggins that what happened to J. Street isn’t his fault and that he needs to forgive himself. It’s emotional and poignant and seriously, who the hell cares? It’s raining! And Tim Riggins is all wet! And can we please talk about those arms?

boysprettypower – I don’t know what this means but if any boys out there have pretty power – well done! You’re one up on me!

poison spell sprite – Maybe this person was looking to cast a spell on a can of Sprite and turn it into poison? Considering how many chemicals are in a can of Sprite, it’s pretty much half-poison anyway.

smooching in public places – How public are we talking? Because stealing a kiss on the rooftop of The Met? Kinda cool. Performing oral surgery in the soup aisle of your local grocery store? Not so much.

lipstick on my dipstick – Really, dudes? How is this even a thing affiliated with my blog?

lawn chair cinema – I LOVE this idea and am totally going to implement it when I buy a house. You hang a large white sheet across your garage door and you project onto that, setting up lawn chairs on your driveway. Perfect for a summer night, right?

www zamunda films catagoris – I don’t know what this is but I know Zamunda is the fictional African nation from Coming To America and that is awesome.

naked frat olympics – Yeah. This is probably a thing. A thing that at least one of my good friends has participated in…and won. Handily.

keanu reeves gesticulating wildly – I once saw Keanu Reeves at a bus stop in Chelsea. I wanted to scream out, “San Dimas High School Football Rules!” but that whole dignity thing prevented me from doing so.

birthday wishes for unstable 28 year old – So, I had a really tough time with my birthday this year and I blogged about it here. If I was to offer birthday wishes for an unstable twentysomething, it would probably be that even though being an adult is terrifying, there’s adventure to be had. Buy the ticket, take the ride. And it’s good to be scared. It keeps you hungry.

rock things for girl stuff – I don’t really know what this means but if you’re a girl and you wish to get your rocks off – listen to the Stones, wear whatever makes you feel good, drink good booze and learn as much as you possibly can. Be smart. That’s all there is to it. You wanna rock? Be smart.

Assembly of Corn – Grill up some cobs, add a little lime juice, some cayenne powder and some cotija. Corn assembled.

ron livingston – Yeah. ‘Cause there was the slightest chance of me not covering this, right?

blow up gingerbread manHere ya go! I like to imagine that this will be used in some prank that will result in a terror-struck child. Or, even scarier, that it will be used in a really weird Lars and the Real Girl type scenario.

panda falls off step sonofabitch – If a panda did fall off a step, I am almost certain he would hiss ‘sonofabitch’ much like Sawyer from Lost.

le bec fin gazpacho – I’ve never had the gazpacho at Le Bec Fin but I have had the gazpacho at Georges and it is phenomenally delicious. Seriously, it would bring a tear to an Andalusian’s eye.

in a video that can only be described as painfully short, but too awesome for words, two cute little kittens – If you cannot find videos of cute kittens on the internet, you fail at life. I don’t want you to fail so let me help you out. Here. Go waste the next four hours.