I’ve Got A Feeling I Can’t Hide Or, I’m a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster

The Hulk is always angry and he keeps it in check for the good of humanity.

I’m kinda like The Hulk.

Instead of being bad-ass, green and angry all the time, I’m smart-ass, tan and I feel all the feelings all the time.

And for the good of humanity, I tamp that down as much as possible.

Because feelings are gross.

They’re messy, make you vulnerable and sometimes, they result in tears and dudes, ain’t no-one uglier than me when I cry. Puffy eyes, snotty nose, pouty face and general disarray. It’s spectacularly grotesque.

However, there are times when it is acceptable to be feelingsy.

Here are five of them:

While listening to Fix You by Coldplay

Chris Martin wrote this song for Gwyneth Paltrow after her father died (haters, back and to the left, to the left. My girl gp is awesome, Goop rules and you know this).

The lyrics are so earnest — “And I will try to fix you…”

He might not be able to and he’s not saying everything little thing’s gonna be alright, but he’s going to try and honestly, you really can’t ask a man to do more than that.

When this song goes electric, I swear it feels like all the hope in my body rushes to the surface and buoys me amidst a flood of inevitable tears.

When encountering cute animals

Like Fitz:

The ASPCA knows what’s up. They know that those commercials with the sad-eyed puppies and kittens will destroy your soul and get you to cough up cash.

Also acceptable, baby-talking to them and saying things that sound utterly insane out of context. Like when I tell dogs that they are so cute, I want to eat their faces.

And on that note, it is totes acceptable to get all feelingsy…

When watching certain movies

Because if you didn’t break during the first ten minutes of Up, if you didn’t sob for days when Dobby died and if the words, ‘He can’t see without his glasses’ don’t form a lump the size of a beehive in your throat, you’re probably an automaton like Mitt Romney.

While watching anything about sisters

Because my sister is better than you. I get to see her in a couple of weeks and we are gonna eat all of the pizza. All of it.

While eating really good food

Look, I’m the girl who routinely tells sandwiches she loves them. Getting feelingsy over good food is not only acceptable but kinda necessary if we’re going to be friends.

A couple of years ago, I went out to dinner with Dana and I ate a cheddar so sharp, it was rife with calcium lactate crystals and eating it felt like the world’s most wonderful kick to the throat.

I literally had to stop and remind myself to breathe because Oh My God, it was glorious.

Then, I drizzled it with honey and ate some more.

And everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

So, feelings? Kinda gross. But good food, good people, good music, good movies and good dogs?

Kind of amazing and worth every single moment.

* The Hulk and I are also similar because we’re both punchy.


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