I’m known for being hyperbolic.
Gin isn’t a delicious beverage served with tonic. It is a life-giving elixir and the only thing capable of making you feel civilized when your world has been torn asunder.
Bruce Springsteen isn’t a talented musician with an enduring career so much as he is my surrogate heartbeat and progenitor of this immigrant’s America loving soul.
So, it makes sense that my trip to Austin last month was the greatest goddamn thing I have EVER done.
I love Austin. I love Austin so much that I would never want to move there and ruin it.
I’ll visit. I’ll spend ALL my money, I will eat enough tacos to kill a burro but I will not move there. Y’all don’t need my bullshit.
So, first thing people do when they go to Austin?
God, Karen! You’re so stupid! You don’t go to Taco Bell when you’re in Austin. You go everywhere else. I ate migas tacos, grilled queso fresco, fried avocado tacos, bean tacos, roasted vegetable tacos and fried portabella mushroom tacos – all doused in amazing hot sauce.
And now, the Mexican food in South Florida doesn’t hold up and I miss Taco Deli’s Salsa Dona more fervently than I have ever missed any family member, friend or lover.
Oh and also?
You GUYS. Their fucking grocery store sells hot fresh tortillas. And the sweet little abuelita making them? Just GIVES you one to taste and smiles at you encouragingly when you eat it (as abuelitas are wont to do) and it is just straight magic.
Less douchebags per capita than Coachella, less smelly than Bonnaroo and less terrifying than Burning Man – Austin City Limits is just like heaven….but with better food.
Seeing your favorite new band live is like going on a first date. You’re excited but nervous and there’s this underlying fear that it’s going to suck.
Luckily, The Gaslight Anthem were the best first date I’ve ever had. They played a great selection of tracks from all of their albums, their stage patter would have made Springsteen proud and I cannot wait to see them again.
The Replacements played Alex Chilton and I did this:
I’ve always thought of Eddie Vedder as this serious elder statesman of rock and roll, you know? He’s the fiery, impassioned soul who scribbled pro-life messages on his arm during an MTV Unplugged performance and routinely speaks out about politics.
I expected him to be a couple of notches below Neil Young on the ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Meter but
Dude drank a bottle of wine onstage, cracked jokes and invited everyone to an afterparty at the sound guy’s house.
Outkast opened with B.O.B. and closed with The Whole World and I got to hear my favorite, favorite Outkast line.
Eminem and Skrillex also performed but
That aside, I spent the entire festival feeling like this:
Everyone in Austin was super chill and friendly. The service was among the best I’ve ever had in my life (looking at you, Frank!) and people were just wonderful. Except the two broads who hit on my boyfriend right in front of me.
Yeah. That is not OK. I will find you and I will ruin your credit.
I saw the Stevie Ray Vaughan statue.
I did this:
I also explored a cave, hung out with cute puppies and great people, bruised, blistered and bloodied my feet (and kept going) and fell in City Love once again.
Austin has officially become my favorite city in the United States and I highly recommend that everyone take a trip there at least once in their lives. The residents are interested and interesting. They care. Oh God, they give so many fucks – about their music, about their food, about their history, about the world we live in. They’re kind and they’re warm and they want to come and hang out. Just don’t move there, bro. I mean, shit. It’s on a t-shirt and everything.
Oh and just because I feel it’s kinda necessary