I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For Or, The Googles! They Do Nothing! Part III

Time for another look at the bizarre Google searches that lead everyone who isn’t my parents to my blog:

If you were born between 1981-1987, there’s a pretty good chance that Kelly Kapowski is your dream girl and my blog hits certainly reflect that. In the past couple of months, I got 58 separate hits for ‘Kelly Kapowski’ and assorted other hits for the following:

kelly kapowski hair
kelly kapowski make-up
kelly kapowski jeans
kelly kapowski skirt

So, to everyone out there pining away for Bayside’s teen queen, this one’s for you. And for you, I mean mostly for Biffle. Keep dreaming the impossible dream, jefe!

what are solar plexus on a cat? – So, I was utterly confused by this (mostly because of the grammar) but after doing a little research, I learned that this search probably came about as the result of a song called Don Gato – a charming little ditty about a cat who fell off a roof and broke his solar plexus. To answer the question, I don’t know where the solar plexus is on a cat and I honestly have no interest in discovering the answer. I’m a dog person.

she punch his solar plexus – Yeah. Another solar plexus search. If she is me, I can assure you there has been no solar plexus punching in my life.

raging erection bed naked – Ummm, what? Dudes, no. Just…no. Look, this spot is all power-pop, sandwiches, gin and entirely too many words spilled on music. You want sexytimes – try any other joint on the internet. Anyone who reads this blog knows it’s abundantly clear that Jaime ≠ sexytimes.

yelling at god – Yup. I yell at all sorts of fictional characters.

vinny jersey shore tattoo – The tattoo on his chest says, “Let Go Let God.” That’s also the slogan slapped on Philosophy’s Grace products. I don’t know why I know the former. In a related story, I hate myself.

greg dulli cooking italian – I don’t know that Greg Dulli cooks but if his cooking is like his music? It’ll probably result in numerous pregnancies.

when did dave grohl get so sexy? – The Walking After You video. White tees, whispered words and well-cut suits. It might as well be a how-to.

why are ty’s lips chapped on battle of the exes – Because he didn’t pack his Chapstick? That seems reasonable, right?

tumblr girl slap – This will make no sense to anyone except my sister. So, to my sister – HA! This is a thing! And you know what? It’s TRUE!

fluffy fat puppies – I’m a sucker for dogs. They see me coming a mile away and know I’ll give them people food, belly rubs and tushy-scratchies.

I call them that.
In babytalk.

It’s ridiculous. But you don’t care about that. You just wanna see the puppies. Here you go:


badass gay guys – Pretty much every gay guy I know is a bad-ass. Actually, pretty much every guy I know is a bad-ass. I’m really lucky to have such cool men in my life.

you are the bain of my life and the butt of my jokes – This would mess with my self-esteem but it’s b-a-n-e not b-a-i-n. HA! Self-worth preserved by poor spelling.

tim riggins — All day. Every day.

One of the greatest scenes in the history of television, Coach tells Riggins that what happened to J. Street isn’t his fault and that he needs to forgive himself. It’s emotional and poignant and seriously, who the hell cares? It’s raining! And Tim Riggins is all wet! And can we please talk about those arms?

boysprettypower – I don’t know what this means but if any boys out there have pretty power – well done! You’re one up on me!

poison spell sprite – Maybe this person was looking to cast a spell on a can of Sprite and turn it into poison? Considering how many chemicals are in a can of Sprite, it’s pretty much half-poison anyway.

smooching in public places – How public are we talking? Because stealing a kiss on the rooftop of The Met? Kinda cool. Performing oral surgery in the soup aisle of your local grocery store? Not so much.

lipstick on my dipstick – Really, dudes? How is this even a thing affiliated with my blog?

lawn chair cinema – I LOVE this idea and am totally going to implement it when I buy a house. You hang a large white sheet across your garage door and you project onto that, setting up lawn chairs on your driveway. Perfect for a summer night, right?

www zamunda films catagoris – I don’t know what this is but I know Zamunda is the fictional African nation from Coming To America and that is awesome.

naked frat olympics – Yeah. This is probably a thing. A thing that at least one of my good friends has participated in…and won. Handily.

keanu reeves gesticulating wildly – I once saw Keanu Reeves at a bus stop in Chelsea. I wanted to scream out, “San Dimas High School Football Rules!” but that whole dignity thing prevented me from doing so.

birthday wishes for unstable 28 year old – So, I had a really tough time with my birthday this year and I blogged about it here. If I was to offer birthday wishes for an unstable twentysomething, it would probably be that even though being an adult is terrifying, there’s adventure to be had. Buy the ticket, take the ride. And it’s good to be scared. It keeps you hungry.

rock things for girl stuff – I don’t really know what this means but if you’re a girl and you wish to get your rocks off – listen to the Stones, wear whatever makes you feel good, drink good booze and learn as much as you possibly can. Be smart. That’s all there is to it. You wanna rock? Be smart.

Assembly of Corn – Grill up some cobs, add a little lime juice, some cayenne powder and some cotija. Corn assembled.

ron livingston – Yeah. ‘Cause there was the slightest chance of me not covering this, right?

blow up gingerbread manHere ya go! I like to imagine that this will be used in some prank that will result in a terror-struck child. Or, even scarier, that it will be used in a really weird Lars and the Real Girl type scenario.

panda falls off step sonofabitch – If a panda did fall off a step, I am almost certain he would hiss ‘sonofabitch’ much like Sawyer from Lost.

le bec fin gazpacho – I’ve never had the gazpacho at Le Bec Fin but I have had the gazpacho at Georges and it is phenomenally delicious. Seriously, it would bring a tear to an Andalusian’s eye.

in a video that can only be described as painfully short, but too awesome for words, two cute little kittens – If you cannot find videos of cute kittens on the internet, you fail at life. I don’t want you to fail so let me help you out. Here. Go waste the next four hours.

Why We Blog Or, These Words I Write Keep Me From Madness

Me-Me asked me an interesting question this weekend.

Why do I blog?

The first thing that came to mind was Bukowski — “These words I write keep me from madness.”

Would I plummet headlong into screaming despair and mania if I stopped writing? Take up drinking as if I were training for the Alcoholism Olympics? Have a bad day where I actually had to use my AK?

No. Probably not.

But I wouldn’t be myself.

It’s more than love and more than a voracious compulsion. It’s autonomic. Writing is the thing I must do to make my world make sense.

I love the high noon showdown with the blank page — the cursor the only one blinking between us.

I love rummaging through a thesaurus, trying to eye a ruby amongst ruins.

I love staring at the screen, my fingers tango-ing over the keyboard while I purse and pucker my lips trying to figure out how to make these words dance for me. Do I want them to skitter and scurry or crash down like the hammer of an enraged and forgotten god? Do I want these words to drip honey sweet or blister and bite?

And more than anything, I love the satisfaction that comes with crafting a good sentence. The kind that makes you lean back in your chair, stretch your arms behind you and exclaim, “Damn it, Oliga! You’ve done it again*.”

I blog because I really like to talk. I have opinions and thoughts and feelings and stories and anecdotes and pop culture references and innuendos and the chronic inability to just shut up.

I blog as a way of keeping in touch with my family and friends. When they read my blog, my parents get to see that I’m still alive and functional (despite eating popcorn for dinner two nights last week. Calm down, Mom. Not only is popcorn high in fiber but it has more antioxidants than fruit! That’s super healthy. Yes, fine. I know. It’s not as healthy as a glass of milk. I know. I know. But milk tastes like garbage. It does, Mom. It just does).

I blog because I’m big on sharing. When I hit upon something I love, I become its campaign manager. Holy shit, I love this thing and everyone must know about it. Everyone. Blogging makes sharing so much easier.

Case in point – deep-fried pickles. I know, dudes. I know, The Snooki affiliation is unfortunate, but you’ll forget all about that little orange hobgoblin the moment you try one. Depp-fried pickles are sweet and salty and tangy and DEEP FRIED. And they usually come alongside ranch or some sort of horseradish-infused condiment. Seriously — get on this train.

I blog because I’m inspired by other bloggers. Because I’m inspired by writers and artists. Because I’m inspired by people in general and the world at large. And this inspiration has to go somewhere.

I blog because I can.

I’m not trying to be Heather Armstrong or the Pioneer Woman and make a living from blogging. It would be cool, but that’s not the end goal.

There is no end goal.

I just want to write. And so I do.

* Oliga was my high school English teacher and one of two men that really fueled my lust for the written word. Every time I write something I’m proud of, I throw the guy a shout out. A little good karma for all he did for me.

February Photo A Day Challenge Or, Carry This Picture For Luck

Last month, I started a daily photo project in the hopes of being more conscious of the world around me.

It’s working out well so far and I’m starting to notice things that I would usually just gloss over.

Then, I heard about this

and realized it’s actually pretty perfect for my purposes. Also, cute typography. I’m a sucker for it. Seriously — I will pay twice as much for something if it’s emblazoned with a cute font and good design.

So, for the month of February — I’ll be taking pictures based on the prompts. I’m looking forward it and if you’re so inclined, you should do it too.

Tumbl it. Tweet it. Blog it. Flickr it and when you do, use the hash tag #febphotoaday.

P.S. — To the two dudes working on the Instagram for Android app — I will buy you delicious pastries and good coffee if you make it happen sooner rather than later.

I Live In Notes and Photographs Or, Would You Take My Picture ‘Cause I Won’t Remember

Drea is one of my favorite bloggers for two reasons:

1. She’s a good writer.
2. She’s easy to relate to. She digs good food, good pop culture (Lost! Joshua Radin!) and understands that both hyperbole and profanity are necessary to survive in the modern world.

A couple of days ago, she posted about how she almost burned down her kitchen, made a delicious meal and started a pretty interesting photography project in which she takes a picture every day at the same time.

It’s an exercise in accountability and being mindful of how we choose to spend our time which is an excellent idea.

And it got me thinking.

Every couple of years, I have an American Beauty moment where I see something, take Lester Burnham’s words to heart:

There’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst.

and vow to do a better job of remembering life’s fleeting, beautiful moments.

Last year, I started that project for myself and I’ve been doing a pretty good job keeping up with it, so this year (inspired by Drea), I’m going to document the day-to-day.

Day By Day

And this one, I’m going to share. Nothing big. Just one picture every day to help remember tiny moments because the mundane can be beautiful too.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing! Part II

A couple of months ago, I posted an entry on search terms that lead to this blog and I think it’s high time for an update.

The top three searches for Too Sweet For Rock ‘N Roll are:

bruce springsteen 85
the challenge rivals nudity 36
bruce springsteen and the e street band 33

A majority of the hits I’ve gotten since that entry  have come from people looking for information about the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Not surprising considering my weekly recaps of Rivals.

What is surprising, though (even though it really shouldn’t be) is just how many of these people were looking for naked images of the cast members.

Really dudes, really? Of everyone alive, you guys want nudes of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast members? Well, you’re not going to find them here but hey, happy hunting!

Some of my favorite searches in regards to the show are:

– “johnny bananas has a small penis” — I don’t know if this is a question or a statement of fact, but I’m perversely proud that my blog pops up when someone searches for it.

– “ct’s penis challenge” — I have no idea what kind of grueling physical activity this would involve, but I’m relatively certain the FCC would forbid MTV to air it. Now, please excuse me while I purge everything I have ever eaten ever.

– “team chowderhead” — YES! I love the fact that someone actually searched for this! And in honor of that, here’s Team Chowderhead cocking Wes’ gun:

Image courtesy of RW/RR Challenge Tumblr.

However, if you weren’t searching for the Real World/Road Rules, here’s how you probably got here:

– “tiny skirt” — I’m not really known for my immense stature so most of my skirts (and shirts and dresses and pants) are tiny. In fact, my co-workers like to play a game they call, “Dress or Shirt” when it comes to my wardrobe. Despite my insistence that my dresses are not shirts, I’m roundly voted down every single time.

– “running commentary on the great gatsby” — Now this is a great idea, although I’m not sure how to execute it. I might have to wait until Luhrmann’s Gatsby comes out on DVD and then, do a running diary.

– “john dickinson high school locker room” — I have no clue how this is affiliated with my blog, but apparently JDHS is located in Wilmington, Delaware, their mascot is the ram and I’m sure their locker room is delightful.

– “foo fighters epic win” — Foo Fighters are equal parts epic win, badassery, Dave Grohl’s penchant for drag and bacon.

– “sulky woman pics” — I’m not sulky.

– “the gaslight anthem ‘wild horses'” — I wish, dudes. My life would be made sixteen kinds of complete if one of my favorite bands covered one of my favorite songs.

– “I’m gonna stop being nice to some people” — I say this too and then, I fold like a cheap beach chair.I hope you have better luck than I do.

– “wow, shes just my type!” — Thank you! Your type must be ‘awesome’ and I congratulate you on having such good taste. I thank you for your interest but I’m a one-woman kind of guy. And my guy? Kind of amazing.

– “ways to make somebody’s life hell” — What?! Why would this come up? I don’t advocate making the lives of others hell. Life is tough enough — let’s not add to it.

– “i want anthony bourdain’s life” — Me too. Especially when he goes to those agroturismos in Italy. Wine, cheese, bread and the Italian countryside? It sounds pretty perfect.

– “reasons the foo fighters are gay” — I don’t think any of the band members are gay but if they were — it wouldn’t change a damn thing. They’d still kick ass.

– “victoria’s secret kind of girl” — Barking up the wrong blog, jefe. As much as I appreciate their products, I’m certainly not that kind of girl as outlined here.

– “asswheel spicy” — What? That’s…that’s not a thing in this world and if it is, I don’t need to be affiliated with it as it sounds terrifying.

– “father paps” — Yup. Paps is my father and the sole reason I am as verbose as I am. All his fault. Take up any issues with management.

– “Ron Livingston Gif” — Welcome kindred spirit! You can find a vast and very wonderful collection here, but I am all about instant gratification so enjoy! Oh, what? Like I’m not going to take any opportunity to post an image of him.

Dudes, I can’t even….Yeah. Just….yeah.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, Or The Googles! They Do Nothing!

I have three kinds of visitors to this blog:

My parents (Hi Mom and Paps!), my friends (let’s hang out soon?) and people who find themselves here as a result of some search term gone horribly awry.

According to WordPress, typing in ‘Liz Lemon’ or any variant thereof (Liz Lemon Eating, Liz Lemon Sandwich, Liz Lemon Gross Strippers, Liz Lemon Me Want Food) will help find your way here. It looks like my girl Double LL is popular on the internet. And honestly, why wouldn’t she be? She’s funny, smart and has a world view based on sandwiches.

However, if you weren’t searching for Liz Lemon, odds are you found your way here by searching one of the following:

Ron Livingston: You know, I’m actually thankful I’ll never meet this guy. Because doing so would turn me into an idiotic, tongue-tied, blushing slip of a girl unable to do much else besides smile like a complete moron and make a few vowel noises.

I know, right? I KNOW.

Also, Laminated List update coming soon.

Beefy Forearms: Sorry dude. You are not going to find Jersey Shore-esque arms here. Squishy veins and biceps the size of my head? Thanks, but no thanks.

Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski: Again, I am all about rewarding efforts, so here you go: Too Sweet by Charles Bukowski courtesy of the Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor. And from one Bukowski fan to another, here’s a little something extra:

9 bad boys

Céline will bat
Shostakovich is in the
Dostoevsky should hit
Beethoven will definitely bat
Jeffers is in the 5th
Dreiser can hit
and batting 7th
let’s have
and 8th the

the pitcher?
hell, give me the

Bukowski is a cocky bastard and I could not appreciate him more.

Hanta Virus vs. Cold: Firstly, see a doctor. Seriously, dude. If this is an internal debate you are having, you need to see a doctor now. I am the worst person to come to for medical advice. Thirsty? Yeah, that’ll be the diabetes. Headache? Welcome to Tumor-ville. Population: You! Stomachache? Xenomorph’s getting ready to pop out of you. Here’s to hoping you had a sinus infection and not the Hanta Virus.

How To Address Yourself Before A Spanking: No idea how you ended up here, but you might want to try a little formality — “Self, in about five minutes, my ass will be virtually indistinguishable from a baboon’s. That being the case, good luck and think of England.”

Big Sur Style: From what I gather, Big Sur is Disneyland for bohemian types. If I had any semblance of personal style, this is probably what my home look like.

Jose Garces: Iron Chef, resident Philly bad-ass and creator of one of my favorite veggie burgers EVER. If you are in the City of Brotherly Love, check out one of his joints.

Love is a Mixtape PDF: Can’t help you with the PDF, dude. But I highly recommend you pick up Love is a Mixtape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time and Talking To Girls About Duran Duran: One Man’s Quest For True Love and a Cooler Haircut both by Rob Sheffield. Remember the sage words of John Waters – “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.” Think about how much time and effort this maxim could save you.

Sister Rules: Yes, mine does. But if you’re looking for a set of bylaws regarding interacting with your sibling, I can’t really do much for you. Good rule of thumb, though? Hang out, eat pizza and rewatch movies you saw growing up together.You’ll both be happier for it.

Richard Grieco+Arrests: As far as I know, our boy Booker has never been arrested. BUT, I hear he thinks he’d be a great candidate to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

Aaron Sorkin is my Homeboy: You’re damn right he is.

Blog Schmog, Or I Want To Be A Better Blogger

I want to be a better blogger.

This isn’t completely out of the question. It’s not like I’m suddenly deciding that I want to be a Tucano shaman or sing for the Metropolitan Opera.

I just want to do what I already do, but be better at it. And you know, not construct horrifically clunky sentences about the topic.

So, what does being a better blogger mean? Updating on a much more regular basis for one and I guess it also means I want to emulate the bloggers I respect.

They’re smart, funny and way ahead of the curve. They passionate, honest and really creative. They’re the kind of people you want to eat with. I’m not talking about merely sitting at the same table while eating; I’m talking a noisy affair where you spend as much time talking as you do eating. Where you taste something delicious and proceed to shove your spoon in their face and urge them to try it.

These bloggers play to their strengths — babies, relationships, food, travel or being essentially fabulous and well-dressed.

My strengths? Well….

Babies? Um, no. Not yet anyway.

Relationships? Yesterday, I told Augs I was going to stab him in the face. Why? Because he thought Kevin is a worse Cheftestant than Amanda (She sucks! She served booze to children; she’s kind of an asshole and grey tuna? Really? Dude, I don’t even eat fish and I know that’s disgusting. I’m Team Ed or Team Tiffany all the way).

Food? I like eating it but am by no means a chef. Or even a cook, really. I’m more of a culinary assembler. That’s why I can rock huevos rancheros and pizza, but fail miserably when it comes to making cookies.

Travel? I don’t do it nearly as much as I would like.

Being Essentially Fabulous and Well-Dressed? I would live in AE jeans, t-shirts and flip flops if I could. And my nail polish is almost always chipped. Not because I’m edgy but because I’m antsy and lazy.

But, there is this one thing.

I came across a pleasant surprise this morning when I opened up Google Reader. My So-Called Life Re-Watched had linked an old blog entry of mine — a recap of a My So-Called Life episode entitled The Substitute.

I used to recap television shows pretty regularly — Mostly The Hills, but also a handful of Lost and My So-Called Life episodes. And I was good at it. At least I think I was good at it. But more so than that — it was fun. I liked writing about Audrina’s calamitous/idiotic relationship with Justin Bobby and how Rickie Vasquez was a pretty seminal LBGT character.

So, I’m bringing it back.

I’m not sure which show I’ll blog about but I’m leaning heavily towards Party of Five. I own the first three seasons on DVD, I’ve been all about 90s nostalgia as of late and I get to ogle Matthew Fox and Scott Wolf for about 42 minutes. Or 21 Jump Street because you know what? Old-School Johnny Depp and I defy you to tell me that theme song didn’t rock your world.

However, I’m open to suggestions. Provided they don’t suck.

I’m not looking to be Heather Armstrong. I don’t want to be a blogging sensation who visits the White House and does what she loves for a living and had a ridiculously adorable family….and who am I kidding? I would love to be Heather, but I’m not going to be. And I’m OK with that.

I just wanna write. So I’m going to. And it’s going to good.

Oh and if you’re wondering who my picks are for ‘Blogger I’d Most Like To Dine With’, here’s a pretty good sampling:

Caffeinate Me
Bleubird Vintage
Fromme Me To You
Dear Baby
Gala Darling
Hyperbole and A Half
Lauren From Texas
Oh Hay, It’s KK
Slice of Pink
The Pioneer Woman
The Wild and Wily Ways of Brunette Bombshell
Yes and Yes
All Things Alishan
Literally, Genevieve Clare
Ramshackle Glam
A Beautiful Mess
The Glorious Bastards of Wordsmithery at Pajiba