I am a big, dumb Labrador.
This sounds like a slight until you take into account that I frequently write myself reminders that read, “Yo Dipshit!”
I’m a big, dumb Labrador in the sense that I am one of the friendliest people you will ever meet. I will go up to pretty much anyone, smile widely and start up a conversation.
This has usually worked out well. People are usually really nice to me, kids I don’t even know give me the best hugs, dogs flop over over I can give them belly rubs and the delivery guys at work always hooked me up with goodies.
A majority of the time, I invite interaction because I love people. I am fascinated by them and their stories. As a general rule – people are good.
But every now and then, I don’t invite this into my life. And it happens anyway, leaving me mortified.
A couple of months ago, I decided to swing by Wawa after work to grab dinner. It was a long, rough day and all I wanted to do is take off my pants and shame-eat mac-and-cheese while DVR’d episodes of Happy Endings.
I’m waiting in line to pay for my disproportionately large container of cheese-covered starch when a dude throws up his hands and busts out with, “Hold up!”
Let me amend that. Imagine standing in line when Kenny Fisher does this and draws the attention of pretty much everyone in the store.
Kenny Fisher throws up his hands, looks directly at me and goes, “Hold up! How you walk around in them heels all day, girl?”
I am tired.
I am hungry.
I do not want to deal.
So I just kinda mumble, “They’re not that tall.”
(For the record, they’re a pair of simple black slingbacks with three-inch heels. They’re really not that tall).
Kenny Fisher: Man, you know guys couldn’t wear those all day!
Me: They’re not so bad.
Kenny: Guys wearing sneaks all day still complaining about they feet hurtin’
At this point, everyone in the store is watching this little bit of street theater.
Kenny: You go to the club in dem shoes?
This is what I look like right now:
Do I look like a girl who goes to clubs? Unless the kids are now referring to the public library as ‘the club’, in which case — yeah, I go hard in the paint.
Kenny: You know what they remind me of? Girls dancin’ all up in the club!
And at this point, Kenny Fisher straight up busts a move right there in the middle of Wawa. In front of God and the customers and the dude making hoagies and everyone.
Kenny (singing and dancing): Stilettos! And pumps! And girls gettin’ crunk! Stilettos! And pumps! And girls gettin’ crunk!
Oh my God. Oh my God. Dude is legit singing Crime Mob’s Stilettos (Pumps).
In the middle of Wawa.
And everyone is watching.
Luckily, I paid for my food and scurried the hell out of there before he could launch into the second verse.
But every single person I told this story to afterwards had the same exact reaction — a burst of raucous laughter immediately followed by, “What did you do? Did you start talking to him about Batman and robots?”
No! This time, I didn’t do anything! It just happened.
This is my life, y’all. This is my life.