Holy Shit! I Love You!

1. The One With All The Hyperbole. You guys should check out Drea’s blog. She’s kinda awesome and the reason I now own this:

Thanks Drea and thanks Chronicle Books!

I entered a contest on her blog and won. Now, I’m planning to make all sorts of yummy vegan food…but dudes, you can have my goat cheese when you pry it out of my cold, lifeless hands. Can’t nobody tear us apart.

2. Anna Sun by Walk The Moon.

This is my new favorite song. It sounds like summer. Particularly cookouts in the back yard. It’s all longneck bottles of cold beer beading with condensation, the smell of smoke wafting on the warm breeze, flip-flops, bare shoulders, warm laughter and warmer weather.

I’ve been listening to it pretty much non-stop for the past week – windows down, volume up and hair blowing in the wind.

3. The Vegetarian Tasting Plate at Seasons 52.

I hate the fact that vegetarianism is often equated with those grayish-brown hockey pucks passed off as veggie burgers. I don’t understand why anyone would eat super-processed soy when they could eat vegetables.

That’s why I fell in love with the vegetarian tasting plate – quinoa with orange segments and cranberries, a soft taco with black beans served with an avocado-cilantro-lime dipping sauce, chili relleno with spinach and goat cheese, roasted tomato with cheese and balsamic drizzle, asparagus and roasted tofu with a mango chutney. I would have preferred eggplant to the tofu but man, that mango chutney was on the money. The same exact spices my mom uses…and that’s about the biggest compliment I could give to any chef.


Holy Shit! I Love You!

1. Jeremy Renner’s arms.

Dearly beloved, can we take a hot second to appreciate the magic and majesty that are Jeremy Renner’s biceps? His arms are pretty much the only reason I’ll be seeing the new Bourne movie.

2. The Following Lush Products

No Drought Dry Shampoo
Lust Soap
Lustre Dust
Shimmy Shimmy Massage Bar

Lately, I’ve gotten really lazy on the weekends. The whole blowdrying/flat-ironing routine I’m a slave to during the week gets chucked and I usually just throw my hair into two braids and stuff it under a Phillies hat.

Yeah, I’m not cute on the weekends. Oh and that disgruntled dipshit expression on my face? It’s because I just saw Cristiano Ronaldo on TV. Eff that kid.

When the hat option/looking like a child doesn’t work, I just sprinkle some No Drought in my hair and tousle. Soaks up the oil, makes your hair smell like a lemon bar and gives it a little texture so it looks kinda decent when you throw it up into a messy bun.

When I bought the No Drought, I got a sample of Lust soap. It made my entire bathroom smell like jasmine, so I had to go out and purchase a giant hunk of it. I love it and using it makes me feel like Princess Jasmine. Sans tiger…and homeless boyfriend.

The Shimmy Shimmy bar and the Lustre dust? Too much and you’ll look like you engaged in coitus with Ke$ha, but the right amount and you’ll not only shimmer like a girl (sidebar: Totally still wanna be a Volcano Girl. It’s the pipe-dream that won’t die) but you’ll smell yummy. Yes. Yummy.

3. Brian Wilson

Katie, Me-Me, Jim and I went to see The Beach Boys last night (thanks guys! Love y’all!) and it was humbling to be in the presence of such genius. Brian Wilson is responsible for creating some of the most gorgeous, lush melodies the world has ever heard. He breathed into life the kind of pretty, wide-eyed wonder that comes to you in dreams. And I got to sit in this man’s presence, gaze up and soak in the music. I never thought I would ever be lucky enough to hear Wouldn’t It Be Nice? performed live but I did last night and it was a pretty perfect moment. My life is a little better for having experienced this.

Holy Shit, I Love You! Or, Five Things I Love Right Now: A Classy Version of HSILY

Drea is much classier than me and instead of casually cursing when announcing how much she loves something, she does it eloquently and features pretty pictures.

So, for this round of HSILY, I figured I’d follow her example.

1. The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan.

He writes about love with humor, honesty and grace…which is pretty much the way love should go. I was first introduced to his work when I read Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest of his work.

2. Popcorn

Thanks to the lovely ladies at We Are Not Martha, I learned that popcorn has more antioxidants than fruit. I don’t believe in that microwave crap that gives you black lung, so I make popcorn the way all women in my family do — popped on the stove and seasoned with cumin, chili powder, salt and sugar.

3. The smell of grass

I’m turning into a hippie or something. All I want is a grassy backyard, warm weather, dogs running around and a wheatgrass smoothie gin and tonic with lots of fresh lime.

4. Warm Krispy Kreme Glazed Donuts.

I don’t really like sweet breakfasts. I’d much rather chow down on a well-toasted buttery bagel or hash browns and eggs doused in Cholula, but there is one exception – a medium iced coffee and one warm Krispy Kreme glazed donut. It is as comforting as a mother’s love in a cold and unforgiving world. And if that sounds like hyperbole, you’ve never eaten a warm Krispy Kreme glazed donut.

5. Sons of Anarchy

I just finished the first season and I’m hooked for four reasons

– It’s a modern day take on Hamlet. Strong performances, strong writing and a hell of a strong foundation from which to build.
– Amazing soundtrack. Granted, I’ve been dipping my toe into the bluegrass/country pool as of late but Forever Young by Audra Mae and John The Revelator by Curtis Stigers are incredible pieces of music, regardless of genre.
– Its connection to The Shield — one of the finest dramas ever created. SOA and The Shield apparently take place in the same universe, both shows feature a lot of the same actors and showrunner Kurt Sutter worked as an executive producer on The Shield.
– Charlie Hunnam – loved him as Lloyd in Freaks and Geeks; love him as Jax Teller.

Holy Shit, I Love You, Or The Dave Grohl Edition

Dave Grohl is a unicorn.

He’s mindblowingly talented, funny, charming, down-to-earth, gainfully employed and easy on the eyes.

Yeah. All of that. Present in one really decent body.

His blood may not sustain Volde…I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I don’t see a giant horn in the middle of his forehead, but based on the aforementioned, dude’s gotta be a mythical beast, right?

So in honor of my favorite (living) rock star – here are five reasons I love Dave Grohl (holy shit)

1. Mindblowing talent. I’m not going to rundown the litany of his accomplishments or the list of people he’s worked with because it would take forever. I’m just going to ask that you check this out:

The urgency of that guitar – its fingerprints pressing indelibly into your flesh, the drums that sound like mastodons stampeding through a valley of bones and those throaty, raw vocals. The drummer did this, dudes. The drummer.

2. Look at him.

All scruffy and sexy with the tattoos and the hair. He’s got the hot band guy/rock god thing down.

And then, he double-downs on it with that wide and easy grin.

I can’t even, Mr. Grohl. I cannot even.

3. The miner story. If you haven’t already heard it, here’s a bare bones version:

There was a mine collapse in Tasmania, Australia and the trapped miners requested an iPod loaded with the Foo album, In Your Honor. Our boy Dave gets word of this and faxes a note to be given to them:

“Though I’m halfway around the world right now, my heart is with you both, and I want you to know that when you come home, there’s two tickets to any Foos show, anywhere, and two cold beers waiting for yous. Deal?”

A couple of months later, one of the miners takes Dave up on his offer and meets him for a drink after the show.

Wait. It gets even better.

On the band’s next album, Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace – Grohl wrote an instrumental tribute to the miners entitled Ballad Of The Beaconsfield Miners. And damn, it’s pretty.

4. He loves music. Like deep-in-his-bones DG+M=4EVER love. From the thunder and fury of Motorhead to the ethereal and moonlit prettiness of Norah Jones. And he gets it. The magic woven into notes and chords. He gets that the right song at the right time can help save the world, get the girl and change your life.

5. He seems like he’s a good dad. Case in point:

Kids don’t care about Grammys or the fact that you’ve played onstage with living legends. You know what they care about? When you’re gonna hook their ass up with a smoothie. Oh and if you’ll do the voices when you read the bedtime story.

So, to Dave Grohl — a fucking unicorn of a man who pounds the skins with the fury of an enraged god, has a voicebox made of blood, salt, iron and honey and would totally split a pitcher and pie with you?

Holy shit, I love you.

Holy Shit, I Love You!

I’m having a day, right?

I’ve basically regressed into a whiny seven-year-old and I’m just not having any of it.

My everything hurts. I feel like hyperactive children used my back as a bouncy castle while I was sleeping.

I managed to give myself like, seventeen papercuts and stabbed my cuticles several times.

My ear is still blocked up because y’know, there’s a fucking hole in it. Sorry – I’m just a little worked up about the fact that I have a ruptured ear drum.

Little Big Bird died this morning (LBB is my iPod and he chose to croak right as I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. Late-era Dashboard where he goes electric and develops a sense of humor).

And then, I read this article which both broke my heart and incensed me.

Then, I read this and just….No. I will go crazy and drag everyone with me if this gets off the ground.

Just…Yeah. It’s been a day.

So in the interest of not completely morphing into a sore-headed old crank that nobody likes, I have done the following:

A) Taken a Butterball-infused bath. Obviously, I’m talking about using a Lush bath bomb. I’m not going to huck a frozen turkey in the tub with me. That would be weird. And gross. And unsanitary.
B) Worked on a couple of care packages.
C) Painted my nails
D) Create another Holy Shit, I Love You list to remind myself that good things exist in this world and you’ve got to take happiness wherever you might find it.

So, here is a list of things I currently love (holy shit) that you should check out too:

Jack’s Mannequin’s Instagram gallery.

Kate Spade’s Instagram gallery

Ruth Reichl’s twitter – The most poetic and evocative 140 characters you’ll read about food anywhere.

Stephen Colbert’s interview with Maurice Sendak, author of Where The Wild Things Are.

Gary Oldman recapping Jersey Shore. Gary Oldman is my homeboy. And if he doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Male Performance, I will legit go Shoshanna Dreyfus and burn down every movie theater in the country.

An Open Letter From Comic Sans.

– Getting an Obama 2012 bumper sticker in the mail.

Oh and speaking of my president, THIS. A million times this.

Acute Sinusitis Ain’t So Cute Or, Holy Shit I Love You (with some serious backstory)

I’m driving home from work on Friday afternoon and start to feel like Mike Tyson smashed my left ear with a tire iron. So, I call Paps and complain about having an ear ache.

Me: I have this really bad ear ache. I haven’t had one in twenty years and this really hurts.
Paps: Take some olive oil and warm it up….
Me (cutting him off): I didn’t ask how to make a delicious Italian appetizer. I’m telling you I’m in pain.

(Sorry for being an asshole, Paps. It’s no excuse but I was in pain, cold and talking while driving…and driving in the Philly suburbs is one giant game of, ‘Holy Shit! Don’t Hit That Deer!’)

I hang up and decide to call Augs’ mom who’s been a nurse for over 30 years.

Me: I have this ear ache…
Augs’ Mom: Go to the doctor.
Me: No, I just need to know which medicine…
Augs’ Mom: If it’s near your head or your feet, you go to the doctor.

So, I go to the doctor and she says, “I’m glad you came in. The inside of your ear is really red and swollen.” Then, she gives me pills, spray and drops and I decide I want to be Mrs. Dr.

Yesterday morning, I awoke to discover I had completely lost my voice (which sucked because it meant I couldn’t yell epithets at Tom Brady during the Pats-Broncos game) and have spent the rest of the weekend in my pajama pants and hoodie, making hoarse bleating noises and hoping against hope that I feel better.

Medical regimen, quality time with Bear and numerous cups of tea + sesame bagels with butter and lots of honey

So, in the hopes of helping me to feel better, here is the first Holy Shit, I Love You of 2012 – five things that I am in love with that you should be in love with as well.

1. Lush’s Charity Pot – It is the dead of winter and my hands are as soft as baby lambs wearing $800 suede jackets. All thanks to the cosmetic wizards at Lush . Charity Pot is the best moisturizer I’ve ever bought, it smells yummy (cocoa butter and geranium) and proceeds go towards charity. Pick some up. It’s pretty fabulous.

2. Mediterranean Food – If it were legal for a girl to marry a falafel sandwich, I would be the first one down at City Hall. There’s this place by my office that sells the world’s most delicious, enormous pitas filled with crunchy, garlicky falafel, creamy hummus, zingy sumac onions and this bright green parsley herb sauce that I want to inject directly into bloodstream.

3. Organix Coconut Milk Conditioner – My hair feels great and better still, it smells like a coconut cream pie shake from Sonic. Note to self: Do not drink conditioner. Second note to self: Procure Coconut Cream Pie Milkshake.

4. Honey – Last night, I’m pretty sure I almost coughed up a lung. I had a legit coughing fit where I hunched over, turned purple and made noises that would terrify children, small domestic animals and a majority of medical professionals. My abs hurt today as a result. And then, I remembered the glory that is honey. It soothes your throat. It tastes great in tea and drizzled on buttery bagels and it comes in a cute bear! (Also, I call Augs ‘honeybear’ so there’s that.)

5. Sparkplug Minuet by Mark Mothersbaugh from The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack – I forget how pretty this  is until I hear it. And then, I marvel at how buoyant a piece of music can make a person feel. Listen to this perfect piece of music. Feel light. Be happy.

Holy Shit, I Love You!

I like sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know — Ernest Hemingway.

Like Hemingway, I love sleep. It’s cozy, warm and every now and then, you have these awesome dreams about huevos rancheros or Ron Livingston or tailgating before a Quidditch match.

Unlike Hemingway, my life isn’t plagued by personal demons and doesn’t really fall apart when I’m awake….unless I don’t get enough sleep.

And that’s exactly what happened last night. The skies above the Philly suburbs opened up in a torrential downpour and it basically felt like Michael Bay was directing Transformers 4: Blowing Shit Up Because Plots Are For Assholes outside of my bedroom window.

No sleep = cranky Jaime.
No sleep + no time to run to Wawa this morning and get coffee = I am going to set fire to your beloved childhood binky just to watch you cry Jaime

So, here are five things that I currently love (holy shit). Hopefully, focusing on the positive will help me feel like less of a jerkface today.

1.Dexter. I just started watching the first season and I’m hooked. Michael C, Hall does such a great job of teetering the line between incredibly creepy and affable suburban neighbor. It also makes me miss South Florida a lot. Well, the music, food and heat. The murder? Yeah, not so much.

2. Absorption pasta. Take uncooked noodles and cook them directly in the sauce, stirring constantly to prevent sticking.

It’s hearty, it’s delicious and because I can’t leave well enough alone, I’m going to try making it with Trader Joe’s Latin Black Bean soup and then, add corn, onions, peppers and avocado. Expect disaster.

3. PInterest. One day, my life will be pretty. Until then, I will merely covet the pretty lives of others.

4. Chipotle burrito bols with obscene amounts of salsa rojo, guacamole and Cholula. I’m pretty sure I talk just to make noise…unless I’m eating one of these. At that point, I just want to commune with the transcendental glory that is Chipotle.

5. Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door by Guns ‘N Roses.

Get your pitchforks, torches and stroke medicine ready because I actually prefer this version over the original.

I know, dudes. I KNOW. Bob Dylan is a literary God amongst men and the apex of aspiration for all songwriters whereas Axl’s an egomaniacal chowderhead whose flame burned out in the mid 90s.

BUT the song features guitar solos, a gospel choir providing killer back-up vocals and the band performed it at the Freddie Mercury tribute a couple of decades ago (oh dear God, how old am I?).