I was Biffle’s date to a wedding this past weekend.
I am definitely the girl you want to take to a wedding.
Firstly, I can rock an LBD. Ninety percent of the time, my body can best be described as, ‘Jessica Hobbit’ – Jessica Rabbit curves and Frodo Baggins stature…and feet.
But my little black dress is capable of a little black magic and I get all sorts of va-va-voomy.
See? That’s not what I look like in real life! That’s all the dress and I’m pretty sure it’s made of the same magic material as Batman’s cape and the fever dreams of Vargas enthusiasts.
Secondly, I always order the much cheaper vegetarian option and if there isn’t one available, I’ll switch your side salad for my steak. Good deal, right?
And finally, thanks to years of attending public school in South Florida, I know how to dance. And by dance, I mean shimmy my hips to any sort of Latin-influenced rhythms.
Anyway, we’re at the reception when the DJ busts out with Amazed by Lonestar.
J: I hate this song and everything it stands for. I think my soul is dead.
Biffle: No, dude. This song kinda sucks.
As noted before, I am a fan of the love song. And like pretty much every girl I know, I wanted to have a love song kind of love…until I started thinking about it.
There’s this really great scene in 500 Days of Summer (sidebar #2: Tom is a terrible boyfriend. He just uses Summer as a blank screen to project all his hopes and when her actual personality comes through, he gets all pissy) that contrasts expectations with reality:
A love song love life sounds like a great idea but if you scratch the surface, you realize it’s actually a spectacularly terrible idea.
Song: Power Trip
Sample Lyric: She got me up all night/Got me singin’ those love songs
Expectation: Dude, my boyfriend stays up all night singing love songs to me. He’s the most romantic guy in the world!
Reality: Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP. Some of us have to work tomorrow, asshole! Also, I’ll Be Watching You by The Police doesn’t count as a love song. It’s about a stalker. So either get in the bushes with a pair of binoculars or shut up!
Song: I’ll Make Love To You
Artist: Boyz II Men
Sample Lyric: I’ll make love to you/Like you want me to/And I’ll hold you tight/Baby, all through the night….
Reality: Really? You’re gonna squeeze onto me through the entire night? You know it’s like, seven million degrees out, right? Also, “making love”? Ew. I’m with Fiddy on this one. I have no idea how one would even go about accomplishing such a feat. I make risotto. I make weird noises when I write. I make a beeline for the bar when I hear they’ve got Bluecoat Gin. Anything else? Eh, not so much.
(Not gonna lie, though? As contrived as the lyrics are, I am hard in the paint for this slow jam. Anytime I hear it, I ball up my little fists and sing like I’m trying to impress Adam Levine on The Voice)
Sidebar #3: Were you born in 1995? Guess what? You were conceived to this song!
Song: Let Me Love You
Sample Lyric: Girl let me love you/And I will love you/Until you learn to love yourself/Girl let me love you/And all your trouble
Expectation: This guy is in for the long haul and totally cool with all my baggage.
Reality: Looking for a project? Home Depot is that way. You can’t “fix” people, Bob Vila. Don’t even try.
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift
Sample Lyric: Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone/I’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run/You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess/It’s a love story baby just say yes
Expectation: YOU GUYS. We’re just like Romeo and Juliet. Our love is star-crossed and passionate and wild!
Reality: Romeo and Juliet is the story of two clamhead teenagers who knew one another for less than a week, decided they were in love, had massive communication problems and instead of trying to resolve things in a rational way, started fucking around with daggers and poison. And YES, I know that T.Swizzle gives the couple in this song a happy ending but that doesn’t do anything except prove that she probably flunked 9th grade English.
I’m not saying that a love song kinda love is always a bad idea. There are certainly exceptions to the rule (Thirteen by Big Star, Fix You by Coldplay – written by Chris Martin for wife Gwyneth Paltrow after her father died) but in most cases, reality doesn’t live up to expectations.
And that’s probably a good thing because seriously, do you really want to be kept up all night by some dude caterwauling about how he’s forever yours/faithfully? Yeah. Probably not.
Don’t get me wrong. Journey rules…just not at three in the a.m. when you’ve got work the next day.