The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons

My sister Facebooked me earlier this week with the following message:

Are you ready for Wednesday? Do you have snack food and self-hatred prepared?

Once I figured out what the hell Wednesday was, the self-loathing reared up.

The Real World/Road Rules Challenge is back for its twenty-third (yup) season and this time, different seasons battle it out for big money, swank prizes and the ultimate honor — to make TJ Lavin say they killed it.

Let’s break down the cast, shall we?

Team Austin: Danny, Melinda, Lacey and Wes
Team Brooklyn: Sarah, Devyn, JD and Chet
Team Cancun: Derek, Jasmine, CJ and Jonna
Team Vegas: Zito, Nany, Trishelle and Alton
Team NOLA: Preston, McKenzie, Knight and Jemmye (why does this girl have my name? Why is it spelled funny?)
Team San Diego: Zack, Sam, Frank and Ashley
Team St. Thomas: Laura, Trey, Robb and Marie.

Real talk, dudes. I’m old and I have no idea who the hell half of these people are.

The later seasons are filled with whiny, drunken baby children that I don’t care about in any capacity, so that being the case – I’m picking Team Austin to go for the long bomb.

There is one reason for this and it fills me with blinding revulsion and bile.

Self-loathing, thy name is Wes.

I hate this kid — he’s an egomaniacal, whiny little red-headed bitch who complains constantly, has totally garbage game and thoroughly mediocre physical prowess.

Also, Kenny once carried him up a mountain.

People don’t forget, Wes.

But, he’s a vet of these games and since neither Bananas, The Boston Beast nor Mr. Beautiful will be competing — I’ve gotta throw my support to The Ginger Ninja.

No, I’m not happy about it either but them’s the breaks…and it’s better than supporting these rookie whippersnappers from St. Thomas.

(Sidebar: When the hell did The Real World go from being a show set in a dynamic, interesting cities to an orgy set in a vacation destination?)

I considered throwing my support behind Team Vegas, but then I realized that Trishelle is on the team and she is the worst of all things. Also, Nany. Also, Zito.

So this season — Team Austin is in it to win it.

You bring the snacks, I’ll being the shame.

 

 

 

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Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Ten: I Will Always Love You

Me: Eeee! Real World/Road Rules Challenge finally DVR’d! I can watch it now!
Augs: Yup. Only a week after everyone else…

I regret nothing. I would much rather see Springsteen than the d-bag exploits of Johnny Bananas. However, since recapping this show is kinda my thing, I figured I would be remiss if I didn’t write a post about the finale.

Day late, buck short. Story of my life.

Anyway, let’s get this frost fest started, shall we?

When we last left our valiant Viking warriors, they were trudging through the Icelandic tundra, plunged in icy rivers, camped out in the snow and basically faced the ninth circle of hell in the hopes of winning big cash.

Teej wakes the challengers up at 5:00 am and leads them to the next and final challenge – Viking Quest. The challengers have to climb up a glacier for 12 miles, hitting several checkpoints and picking up artifacts to solve the final puzzle.

I swear, this entire finale is just nothing more than sadistic paycheck courtesy of the producers. They were probably tired of the challengers trashing the house and basically acting like the world’s most entitled chowderheads, so they chose to punish them in this way.

Feast for a Viking – finish a traditional Icelandic feast before continuing onto the next checkpoint. If the challengers were expecting a continental breakfast, they’re in for some serious disappointment. This is the kind of meal that would make Andrew Zimmern tent his shorts and the average American shit his pants. Head of what looks like a cow, soured shark and a horn of blood. This is the first time in like, 12 years that Diem is eating meat. Yeah…she’s gonna go back to veganism real quick.

Bananas says that one of CT’s hobbies is smashing heads and eating it so therefore, this challenge poses no challenge. He’s not wrong. Look at this kid.

Dude kills it. Eats the head and drinks all the blood. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the Boston Beast.

Checkpoint #4: Smash a box with a rock , grab a key and unlock some snow shoes. CT and Diem make it to the checkpoint first BUT due to issues putting on the snow shoes, they lose their lead.

Checkpoint #5: It’s a puzzle! Which means imminent death for pretty much all RW/RR Challengers. Diem experiences a moment of enlightenment, figures it out and CT says he loves this about her. You know, I shouldn’t be so sweet on a guy who just drank a horn of blood but come on — that’s pretty damn endearing. Also awesome? The fact that Team Boston Beast destroy their completed puzzle so the other two teams can’t see it. Way to place The Game, dudes.

Checkpoint #6: What an Ice Hole. The challengers have to smash their way through a snow drift to claim their next artifact. They smash, they crawl through a coffin of icy death and emerge on the other side.

My two favorite quotes from this checkpoint are:

Diem: CT is murdering this. It’s invigorating seeing him crush this icehole.
Bananas: My motivation is to not die inside of here

Luckily, none of the challengers die and all move onto the next checkpoint. However, it’s not looking good for The Boston Beast. See what happens when he only gets one horn of blood for breakfast? Growing boy like that needs three, maybe four. And none of this reindeer blood nonsense. We need straight human. Preferably baby.

Checkpoint #7: Sliced Up. A barely functional CT and Diem make it to the next check point to solve another puzzle. Team Bananas and Team Boston Beast are neck and neck here but at the last moment, Team Boston Beast pull it out.

I’m actually feeling bad for Bananas here. Dude looks exhausted and he’s got icicles forming on his eyelashes. I figure this will last until he opens his mouth again.

Team Bananas finish up just as Ty and Emily make it to the checkpoint.

Once all the teams collect all the artifacts, the race is really on. CT turns on the turbo and the final challenge is to arrange the artifacts in order and then, race to the finish.

Fatigue has set in and these guys are just drained. Completing the puzzle is even more of a trial than usual. Once again, Team Bananas and Team Boston Beast are neck and neck.

Diem finally completes the puzzle and Team Boston Beast are on their way up the mountain to victory. However once again, Bananas and Camila are hot on their trail.

The Boston Beast is done, y’all. Team Bananas have passed him and the kid is just gassed. Dude, watching this finale is making me tired. The producers must really, really hate these guys.

Camila passes the Boston Beast who is trudging in the snow like some sort of wounded bear. Being an awesome partner, Diem keeps encouraging CT and never once yells at him.

Bananas and Camila literally collapse at the finish line, winning the final challenge.

Goddamn it. Effing Bananas for the win. Again.

Bananas and Camila win first place.
CT and Diem win second place.
Ty and Emily pull up the rear with third place.

Another challenge down and since the show’s been renewed for a new season, I’m looking forward to seeing what the next iteration will bring. Here’s to hoping we get a little more drama, a lot more cray and the triumphant return of Mr. Beautiful.

See y’all next time.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Nine: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

They have pounded through jet streams and thrown chairs out of windows.

They have exposed breasts, dressed up like extras in a low-rent production of The Lion King, stoked the flames of hatred and lust and drank every last drop of liquor in the Dominican Republic.

They have been marginally less embarrassing than the cast of Jersey Shore.

In short, ladies and gentlemen, they have killed it.

And now, the Challengers head to the frigid peaks of Iceland for a final battle royale, Iditarod style for a grand prize of $150,000

But before they do, Mark and Robin must face Bananas and Camila in the final Dome Challenge.

But first – we party! CT and Diem are grinding up on one another on the dance floor while Bananas is hanging out with a dog (yup) and bitching about heading into the final Dome event.

Ty admits that he wants to see Robin and Mark come back, which is a pretty smart strategy considering that Robin is a blubbery mess. Weepy don’t win big money.

Bananas steals my AARP joke and Mark decides to go old-school and brings back the bandanna. Yup — that red relic from 1995. Was Camilla even a glint in the milkman’s eye back then? Probably not.

God, I’m old. Give me a second while I drown my sorrows in gin and the Gin Blossoms (whatever, dudes. Hey Jealousy is a great song).

The name of the game is X Battle. At this point, y’all are familiar with how this goes down. I’m actually looking forward to this event – it’s brutal, vicious and puts the challengers in painfully close proximity.

Oh dear God. If this was ancient Rome, I’d be screaming for the blood of the Christians, wouldn’t I? Yeah…kinda disgusted with myself right about now.

Anyway, forging on!

First up are the ladies and Camila is ready to make magic happen. Unfortunately for her, Robin hulks out. She climbs on top of Camila and has this look on her face that can only be described as feral. It isn’t enough and Camila snags the victory away from Robin.

Round 2 – Mark suggests Robin bite Camila in the face. You know, I’m liking Grandpa more and more and maybe if Robin listened to him, she wouldn’t have crapped the bed when it came to this challenge. Camila walks away from this challenge a big winner.

The men are next and they’re basically junkyard dawgs fighting over a bone. Bananas draws blood, Old Man River sees red – “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!” – and threatens to kill Bananas. He doesn’t commit to full homicide but manages to flip Bananas on his back and then, bounces him up and down like a ragdoll.

Round three starts with Bananas looking like he wants to drive the steel X into Mark’s chest. After bending Mark’s arm and wrist back, Bananas wrenches the X away from Mark for the win.

Mark’s loss ends with a sweet little montage of the past seventeen years of competition. He says he’s going to close this chapter of his life, but Real World/Road Rules Challenge is like the mafia – just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.

And then, there are six:

CT and Diem
Ty and Emily
Bananas and Camila

And this sextet is heading to Iceland.

After an eight hour flight, the challengers land in Reykjavik. Current temperature? A toasty THREE DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

They head to B5 for absinthe shots, get wasted (sidebar: Diem totally looks like she’s having a sexy epileptic fit when she dances. She flips her hair back and forth, she flips her hair back and forth and just….no. Stop it, cute little blonde girl. Just stop) and then, head back to the house where they’re overcome with sentimentality. If I didn’t know these guys were all douchebags, it would be kinda sweet.

Diem’s nervous about looking like the weak link and CT consoles her in a pretty sweet way — “This challenge is about heart…and I got the trump card. Because you got the biggest one.”

Whoa, what is going on here? When did the Boston Beast become anything other than a bone-crushing lunatic? Am I actually complimenting CT?

What are you doing to me, MTV? What kind of black magic IS this?

The challengers put on their ninja gear and head out to meet Teej. It is -16°F in Iceland. NEGATIVE SIXTEEN.

How are you people doing this? If it drops below 67°F, I start screaming about frigid temperatures and polar bears ransacking my garbage.

The final challenge is called Viking Quest and if the challengers don’t finish they don’t get paid.

The premise is simple – it’s a race with checkpoints. The challengers have to get to the checkpoints and claim an artifact. Seven artifacts unlocks the big money .

The first part of the challenge is a dogsled race to the first artifact and then, the challengers have to run to the next checkpoint.

There’s a lot of yelling, a lot of cute doggies running and I don’t know what’s going on. I’m distracted by the adorable fluffy puppies. Look at their little faces and their fluffy little ears!

CT and Diem make it to the checkpoint before everyone else and start the next phase of the race. Since the days are shorter in Iceland, it isn’t long before night falls and the temperature drops even further to -20°F

The next check point is called River Plunge.

The challengers have to strip down to their undies, jump in a river whose temperature is -1.1°F, touch a buoy and then, jump back onto land.

A mere thirty seconds in this water will cause hypothermia. Camila has seen people die like this…in movies. So you know it’s legit and terrifying.

Whoever has the quickest time wins the best sleeping arrangement on the glacier. Yup. They’re sleeping on a glacier tonight.

CT jumps in LIKE A BOSS and even though he feels like he crapped a six-pack of ice cubes, Team Boston Beast accomplish this feat in an impressive 19 seconds.

Camilla and Bananas are up next and they complete the mission in an even more impressive 17 seconds.

Emily and Ty dive into the icy depths and KILL it with a time of 14 seconds.

After two challenges, CT and Diem are leading the pack and therefore, get the best sleeping arrangement on the glacier.

Teej leads them to a campsite where Team Boston Beats is decked out in luxury – heating lamps and deer skins while Ty and Emily – who came in last – get a tent with, “two little yoga mats on top of the frozen tundra.”

When they awake (if they awake. I’m pretty sure I would welcome the sweet release of death if I was stuck in that hellish, frozen wasteland), they move on to the next five challenges.

And I cannot wait to see them. This is probably my favorite finale ever so far and I’m really looking forward to seeing what the sadist producers have in mind.

Next week is the final episode of the season so prepare for frostbite, tears and at least one shot of the Boston Beast with blood dribbling down his chin.

I knew MTV wouldn’t let me down.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Eight: On The Wings of Love

Due to last week’s episode devolving into an ill-advised minstrel show

(Sidebar: I’m about to go all Old Man Yells At Cloud here, so feel free to skip this if diatribes ain’t your thing)

When did people become so jaw-droppingly stupid? Yes, I am still on the fact that Emily didn’t realize that blackface is super racist. I realize she was raised by moonies or hippies or the hosts of Fox & Friends but that excuse only flies for so long. Once you’re an adult, the onus is on you to educate yourself. Last week, Biffle told me about a classmate who didn’t know what the Holocaust was. Allow that to sink in for a moment. A twentysomething in law school did not know what the Holocaust was. I swear to God, Idiocracy was less a poorly-received movie and more a terrifyingly prophetic vision of things to come.

we, the faithful audience, missed out on finding out who was going into the Dome against Ty and Emily.

This week, the faithful are rewarded and we learn that Team DunPaul will be heading into The Dome.

Dunbar is cranky about this and swears vengeance. If Team DunPaul makes it back, CT and Diem are heading into The Dome next. Nothing like a good grudge match to start the episode off right.

No matter the outcome, someone is going to get their heart broken. Guys, Paula and Ty are totes Noah and Allie, right?

(Sidebar: I don’t understand people who pick Lon over Noah. Yes, he has money but come on! It’s Gosling! And he builds her a house! I wanted to erect a monument to Augs when he built my Ikea bookshelf. I can’t imagine what I’d do if he built me a freakin’ house)

TJ says that CT and Diem made the dumbest move in Challenge history by throwing Team DunPaul and that the smart thing to do would be to break up the alliance and chuck in Bananas or Mark.

Dome Challenge: Hall Pass

Contestants thunder down a narrow hallway located between two hay bales. The goal is to grab the team ball and try to score a goal.

Ty wins the men’s heat.
Emily wins the women’s heat.

Team Tymily remain undefeated in The Dome so far and Team DunPaul are heading home.

Post Dome, Emily, Diem and Ty are playing pop psychologist with Robin who seems to be on the precipice of a nervous breakdown. She gets all weepy and says she doesn’t want to share her life with people or let anyone in. She’s in it to win it.

You know, it’s never good when they make that statement.

Challenge: Feel The Burn

The Challengers arrive on a Dominican runway where Teej emerges from a private jet like a boss. This week’s challenge is basically a twist on an old Jackass bit where the challenger take high-speed wins courtesy of a jet engine.

Race across the course and move picnic items from station one to the picnic area. Any items blown away by the immense force of the wind must be retrieved. After the picnic area is set up, the challengers need to grab a parachute and race against the wind to the finish line. First place wins an automatic spot in the final.

The Power Couple gets the additional bonus of flying home with Teej on his baller private jet instead of taking a 2.5 bus ride back to Casa de RW/RR.

Johnny and Camilla are first to bat and Bananas seems to be off to a good start. Unfortunately, his partner who weighs about a buck five soaking wet looks like she’s about to Mary Poppins into the wild blue yonder.

The 20 minute time limit elapses and Team Bananas are disqualified.

Mark and Robin are up next and decide the smart thing for Robin to do would be to crawl through the jet wash instead of trying to spring through it.

I guess that adage about wisdom coming with age is true because Mr. AARP’s strategy works like a charm but unfortunately, it’s not enough to get across the finish line.

Robin: I can only imagine if I was hit by a hurricane and I lost my home and….(dissolves into tears)
Mark: What are you crying for? Is that happening right now?

Ty and Emily are up next. Ty wipes our big time while carrying a lawn chair and almost dislocates his shoulder in the process but forges ahead and the team manage to cross the finish line.

Team Boston Beast hits the ground running and actually have the best strategies of all the teams — stack the objects, roll with the mannequins, let Diem handle the small stuff.

Bananas compares CT to someone who’d put his head through a brick wall. I’d like to amend this statement. CT is not the kind of guy who’d put his head through a brick wall; CT is the kind of guy who’d put YOUR head through a brick wall.

Team Boston Beast cross the finish line and it’s pretty adorable. CT squeezes his ex-squeeze and I actually find myself hoping these two crazy kids work out their issues.

Then, something even more wonderful happens:

TJ SAYS CT KILLED IT! POINTS! SO MANY POINTS!

Power Couple: CT and Diem — not only do they get a ride on a private jet but they get a first-class ticket to the finals.

Challenge Losers: Bananas and Camilla.

Back at the house, Team Boston Beast have to figure out who’s going into the Dome and the politicking begins.

Emily and Robin approach Diem and start making their cases as to why they should stay and Robin uses her child as emotional leverage…again. She doesn’t want to go home to her child without taking home the big money.

Ty tries to sweet-talk Team Boston Beast by saying that they fight and fight and fight and deserve to be in the final.

Mark admits that for the past 17 years, he has bullshitted his way into not going into a final elimination challenge. Jesus, Methuselah! How old ARE you?

The final Dome Challenge for The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Exes is Bananas and Camilla versus Mark and Robin.

Looks like Old Man River’s bullshitting didn’t work. This was a fair decision on the part of Team Boston Beast as Mark and Robin have never been into a Dome and Ty and Emily basically lived in the Dome this season.

The Dome Challenge, which will air next week, is the X Battle. Usually, I find this challenge interminably dull but I get the feeling this will be a good one.

High stakes and two burly dudes fighting for supremacy? It should be a good match up.

Recapstasy:

Making TJ say, “You killed it”: 25 points

I have no idea how many points Team Half Dirty Dozen has. All I know is that CT killed it, Teej said so and that’s all that matters. Ever.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Seven: Love and Marriage

Camilla’s meltdown and Jasmine’s predilection towards yelling aside, the cray hasn’t really been front and center this season and I blame that on the fact that Julie the Mormon isn’t on the show.

Blondie looks sweet and innocent but this girl is Crackerjack cray.

During the N’Awlins season, she wrestled a broad named Squirrel. Let me repeat that for those in the cheap seats — this little blonde sprite of a girl decided it would be a good idea to willfully engage in fisticuffs with a GIRL NAMED SQUIRREL.

Then, she decided it would be a good idea to wrestle (dude, what is up with you and body-to-body combat? You need to lay off the WWE there, Cactus Jack) Coral which lead to the greatest RW/RR quote of all time — “I don’t wrestle; I fucking beat bitches up.” Damn straight, Coral.

She also tried to unhook Veronica’s harness during a mission and cost her team $10,000 during the Time to Ride mission, which is always great for amping up the anger level in the house.

Even though I really dislike her on the show, I’m thinking MTV needs to being back Julie the Mormon and the buckets o’ batshit she brings with her.

There might be a Mormon in the White House (nope) so there should be one on The Challenge.

And speaking of everyone’s favorite reality show….

We open Ty and Emily fighting during a raging storm. Ty screams that he’s leaving and the entire scene in shot in a dark gray tone so you know it’s serious.

All of a sudden, WHOOSH! It’s two days earlier and the contestants are on a boat heading to Paradise Island. Out of nowhere, a drunken man in a scraggly beard shows up screaming about how they have to go back.

Wait, what?

Oh. My bad. That’s Lost, not the Challenge.

Anyway, Paradise Island – drinks! Conga! Good times! The air is heavy with the heady scent of sunblock and the promise of homoeroticism

See, Johnny Bananas says that guys just have a fear of letting another guy apply sunblock to them. It’s already weird and if you multiply it by 100 and make it super weird, it’s not weird anymore. Bananas has totally used this argument to justify doing it with dudes, hasn’t he?

CT and Diem are discussing their fight and it takes a serious turn when Diem apologizes for not being there for CT when his brother died. They’re actually being really mature about this. What the hell has happened to the Boston Beast? When did this dude grow up?

Challenge: Race To The Altar

This challenge is a bridal themed obstacle course. Complete a task and collect a memento. The last two standing will be the power couple.

The most important thing about any wedding (besides the reception playlist and getting hammered) is the dress. So, the challengers have to get all dolled up in tuxes and gowns before heading to the first event.

Task 1: Dig up a garter. Ty and Emily do not find the garter so they are eliminated and are going straight to the Dome.

Task 2: Eat two tiers of a three tier cake and grab a veil. The Boston Beast and Diem house this challenge and head straight to the next event. Bananas and Camilla fail this challenge and are eliminated from the rest of the competition. Food challenges skeeve me out. I can’t begin to imagine inhaling that much wedding cake.

Task 3: Change a flat tire. Diem says CT is killing it. Hey! That Teej’s line! Robin and Old Man River are eliminated from this challenge which leaves Team Boston Beast and Team DunPaula.

Task 4: Carry bride across the finish line. Team Boston Beast gets a head start and start trudging down the beach but Team DunPaula are hot on their trail…until they fall into the surf.

Task 5: Race to the altar. A mission that Team Boston Beast accomplishes with the greatest of ease. An exchange of rings, a little smooch and the proclamation from Teej that everything’s good. Awww, he’s a romantic at heart.

Challenge Winners: CT and Diem
Challenge Losers: Ty and Emily
Power Couple: CT and Diem

Team Boston Beast have a celebratory romantic dinner post-challenge and start discussing what to do with the boneheads upstairs. Nothing says true love better than politicking and screwing over your housemates.

Team Boston Beast set up a Five Families style sitdown with the other teams and CT establishes one thing – everyone should be worried.

CT might be a grown-up now but that doesn’t mean he’s above plunging his meaty paws into your chest cavity and ripping out your still-beating heart. After all, man’s gotta eat.

Post discussion, the challengers go out on the town and have a faux bachelor/bachelorette party. Shots are knocked back, smooches are exchanged and CT removes Diem’s garter belt with his teeth. It’s all fun and games….until they get back at the house and Camilla and Emily decide it would be funny to dress up like Ty and Paula.

Emily, being the brain trust she is, covers her face in chocolate. You know, for that authentic feel.

It’s 2012, guys. Do we really not understand that blackface is wildly and grossly racist?

This affects Ty to the point where he decides he wants to go home.

Camilla, having the compassion of a mozzarella stick, basically says fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke and Ty starts packing his bags.

Emily tries to apologize and says she wasn’t coming from a bad place and that she wasn’t thinking it was a racist gesture. She says she grew up in a very sheltered environment and that she’s never even heard of blackface.

Apparently, Emily was raised in a hardcore religious sect as a child and therefore, is a little culturally dense. Mark calls it a get out of jail free pass for bad behavior but at a certain point — you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions.

She may have grown up in a cult but she’s not a child anymore and the onus is on her to educate herself.

Ty decides to sleep on it and the next morning, the house is still cement thick with tension. Ty and Emily talk it out. Emily apologizes and Ty states that it’s not about Emily’s racist actions. It’s a greater issue — why she did it and the level of trust that was violated by the action. Ty accepts Emily’s apology and they decide to move forward with the challenge.

Team Boston Beast leave their decision to the last minute and decide The Dome contestants this time around will be Ty and Emily versus….

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

Oh, MTV! You merciless tease!

If I was a betting woman (and I’m not because being in casinos is like being trapped in a pinball machine), I would guess that Team DunPaul is heading into the Dome but we won’t know until next week.

I’ll see you guys then. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Six: Tainted Love

Last week, I had ALL the first world problems.

My cable guide wouldn’t pop up and my router started doing this thing where the lights glowed amber and it refused to connect to the internet meaning I had to watch the new Avengers trailer on my phone,

ON. MY. PHONE.

I KNOW.

Look at the hell you hath wrought, Verizon Fios. This was the worst thing ever. Worse than war and famine and disease and when you step on a Lego barefoot.

So that being the case, my recap for this week’s episode of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge is late and for that, I apologize.

I’m sure the entire internet has been waiting with baited breath.

Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Challenge: Lube It Up.

Teej actually apologizes for the name of this one and who can blame him? Now that Leroy’s gone, he’s the only one left with a modicum of dignity.

This challenge is basically a game straight out of the Frat Boy Olympics. Contestants swoosh down a slip-n-slide covered in lube, grab a ball and need to bring it back to the starting line. There are more balls than contestants so things get really slippery.

Ha! See what I did there? I’m expecting your call any day, New York Times.

In the interest of attracting a whole new readership to my blog — this challenge can be summed up thusly: lubed up naked dudes and balls.

Welcome to the disappointment, new readership!
You wanna talk about Chipotle, Friday Night Lights or The Replacements?
Of course you don’t!

OK, then — let’s get back to the game.

Because they’re a same-sex couple, Aneesa and Rachel have the added advantage of working together to knock bitches out, so they use their collective force on Camilla.

She might be small and violently crazysauce when drunk, but she’s a wiry, tenacious broad and doesn’t let Team Racneesa get the better of her. Good for you, Camilla.

It physically pains me to say this, but got dang — Bananas is killing it. Like, legit housing everyone else and again, I horse-kick myself in the face for not picking this guy for the Dirty Half Dozen.

So much so that Teej actually gives the guy at pat on the back. That’s the equivalent of getting a high five from the Pope.

Challenge Winners: Johnny Bananas and Camilla
Challenge Losers: Paula and Dunbar
Power Couple: Johnny Bananas and Camilla

Remember last week when Paula said her relationship/flirtation with Ty was G-rated? This week, it goes from G-rated to G-string thus proving that Paula is an idiot for three reasons:

A) She has a boyfriend.
B) Last season, she hooked up with Mike. I get that — he’s really cute and a sweet guy. But Ty? Not getting it at all. Yes, he’s good-looking with a killer body but he’s a dipshit!
C) Ty’s game is garbage. Who falls for a guy who says he wants to see you as his ‘baby mama’? Yeah ’cause nothing’s hotter than calling a guy to ask he pays his damn child support on time. To quote a great philosopher, if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Paula and Ty engage in Blanket-Ensconced Sexytimes a mere ten feet away from Ty’s partner (and former hook-up) Emily. Which leads me to wonder – how good can BES possibly be? I mean, you can’t breathe, you don’t really get full range of motion and the chowderheads you live with are all packed into the room, hooting, hollering and judging you.

The Boston Beast and Diem get into it again while watching Ty and Paula flirt at the club. He says that their flirtation reminds him of how CT and Diem used to be. A point which Diem disagrees with because Ty and Paula is just horny assholery whereas what CT and Diem had was real.

This makes the Boston Beast crazy and a shouting match ensues where he screams that no-one in his family liked Diem and they all thought she was fake as shit.

HULK SMASH! WHY YOU MAKE HULK FEEL FEELINGS?!

To appropriate the words of another street philosopher, quit playing games with his heart, Diem.

Dome Challenge: Banded Together

Each player is connected to their partner by a rubber band which is also connected to a pole. Race across and hold onto the opposing pole for five seconds and you win the challenge.

Team DunPaul are rubberband man/wild like the Taliban and Aneesa is a garbage competitor, so this challenge ends in the most expected way.

Dome Winners: Paula and Dunbar

Meaning Rachel and Aneesa are packing their knives and going home. Next challenge, I want to see Team RachOnica. Get Rachel and Veronica together and you’re guaranteed that shit’s gon’ get real.

Recapstasy:

Who gives a shit? Unless CT disembowels someone on the show and goes on an anti-Semitic rant, I’ve got nothing.

Quote of the Week:

No quote this week due to the tardiness but tune in next week for further pearls of wisdom from our favorite chowderheads.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Five: Crazy In Love

If I was head honcho at MTV, I would do three things:

A) Ban all Chris Brown-related content. Yes, he beats women to a bloody pulp but he’s also a thoroughly mediocre artist. I saw this shit when it was Usher and before that, when it was Michael Jackson.

B) Bring back blocks of programming that feature nothing but short-form music videos. Both new and old. A little Gaga and a little Adam and the Ants. Some Pitbull and a little Death Cab For Cutie. Videos from the Freddie Mercury memorial concert, a little Alice in Chains and the new Beyonce jam.

C) A massive Real World and Road Rules reunion. Track down every cast member, do a quick where are they now profile on them and then, get everyone together for a sitdown to see just how much culture has changed in 20+ years.

Aren’t you curious to see what happened to the Road Rulers from Northern Trail? Or if David from Seattle is still really good-looking? Or if Kaia is still an insufferable d-bag?

No? Just me?

Fine. Let’s move on with the recap, shall we?

The cast mates hit up Club Ono which makes sense because Oh No, people are gonna make some terrible decisions here.

Abram and Cara Maria are smooching up on the couch and Abe busts out with a line so bad, Wes would have rejected it — “You must be happy because your eyes are all sparkly and pretty.”

Ugh. Your game is garbage, Abe.

BUT, it works on Cara Maria because they decide to move in together. Even odds on them having some sort of sex dungeon in their home?

Bananas and Camilla start fighting because she’s a pissy drunk and he’s a douche so big, he could clean a whale’s nether regions.

Back at the house, Drunkzilla crashes in Bananas’ bed and when asked to move to her own bed, she goes ape shit. Seriously, we’re gonna need an old priest and a young priest because Camilla has been possessed by Pazuzu. She wanders around the house topless, starts screaming and chucking chairs.

You know, if CT did this — there would be a congressional hearing. See? I got your back, Boston Beast. Please don’t eat my spleen.

Then, Drunky McLushface jumps in the pool which is totally safe when you drunk and angry, right? Bananas sends Paula to the rescue but then, exacerbates the situation by telling Paula, “Be careful because you’re talking to a wall.”

Camilla doesn’t take well to being called a wall, flips out again and starts screaming that Bananas is a cheater and he’s going to die.

The next morning, a hungover Camilla explains that too much tequila + jealousy = batshittery of the highest order. In other news, water is wet.

Challenge: Don’t Rock The Boat

Two teams at a time and they must move across a “shipwrecked” boat by jumping from mast to mast. The slowest team will be sent to The Dome and the two fastest teams will duke it out for Power Couple Status.

Fueled by vengeance, Rachel is intent on winning the challenge and basically, horse-kicking Bananas in the face and Team Rachel+Aneesa complete this challenge with the quickness.
Abram is being remarkably patient and supportive but I guess love does that to you. Even weird, creepy, animal-sex-noises love.
Mark’s advice is to Frogger-jump across the masts. Yeah, dude — those whippersnappers don’t know what Frogger is but Old Man River is definitely onto something and Team Mark+Robin get through this challenge really quickly.

Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla and Mark and Robin

Challenge Losers: Cara Maria and Abram

Power Couple: Mark and Robin

Post game:

The deliberations begin and the contention starts immediately because Robin feels her opinion means nothing. Mark has great relationships with other competitors but Robin feels that a majority of the dirtbags here have screwed her over. Mark seems to be leaning towards Ty and Emily but Robin’s not feeling that.

Abe and Cara Maria do the worst thing ever before a Dome challenge — have a serious conversation about the future of their relationship. Abe’s all U-Haul Lesbian and ready to move in immediately, but Cara wants to wait at least a year before signing a lease together.

Bananas and Camilla also have a serious talk about their non-relationship and Dr. Bananas tells Camilla that she doesn’t have empathy skills. Right. Because when you think empathy, you think Bananas.

Dome Contestants: Abram and Cara Maria versus Ty and Emily.

It looks like Robin lost this battle. Speaking of losing battles, Cara Maria lost the one against good taste with those fugly mukluks she’s rocking. What poor animal had to die for those monstrosities?

Dome Challenge: The X Battle.

Same game as before. In a best of three contest, the goal is to rip a foam X out of your opponent’s hands.

Cara Maria and Emily go first and Cara Maria’s putting up a fight, but it’s not enough as Emily takes the first round. Round two goes to Emily in a matter of seconds and now, it’s time for the boys to step up to the plate.

Abe goes at Ty like some sort of rabid animal – “GIMME THE STICK, YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH. GAHHHHHHH! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!”

Dudes, I know I am constantly berating CT for being a sociopath but in all honesty – Abe is a much more terrifying individual. CT would punch you into a coma. Abe would skin your face and make a lamp.

Ty takes round two which makes round three anybody’s game. It’s a mean and vicious dog fight complete with baring of teeth and growling. I swear, Abe looks like he’s about to blow his O-ring. Despite his pitbull-like tenacity, Ty gets the better of him.

Dome Winners: Ty and Emily

After the challenge, Ty and Paula are hanging out in the kitchen, drinking wine and making eyes at one another. She says it’s G-rated, so this means that they’ll end up doing the no pants dance next week.

Recapstasy:

GODDAMN IT! Abram gets sent home and this means the fate of the Dirty Half Dozen rests on the shoulders of one man – The Boston Beast himself, CT.

And finally:

Quote of the Week:

I might just have to scrap this Quote of the Week feature. It was born out of necessity as Kenny just kept making quip after quip. Last season when he lost his mojo? Wes picked up the slack and managed to get a couple of good one-two punches in there but this season?

No-one’s making with the funny. This is exactly why Mr. Beautiful needs to return to the show.

So, this week — I present you with an offering from Bananas. It’s dating advice for Paula:

“You need to join a book club or Code Pink or some other radical feminist sect.”

Hey Bananas, add feminism to the list of things you probably shouldn’t talk about because it makes you look like an idiot. To recap, here’s the list:

– Feminism
– Everything else