I’ve got to admit, I haven’t really been feeling this season.
The fights have been lackluster (Jasmine throws down at everything – “The fuck do you mean these pretzels are low-sodium?! I’m gonna throw this lamp!”), there hasn’t been any real shady politicking (Bananas is slacking big time) and the pestilence-spreading sexytimes I’ve come to expect with anything even remotely affiliated with MTV? Woefully replete.
Then, I realized what was missing — Veronica.
Queen Bee-yatch of the Mean Girls and a spunky little competitor, Veronica was genetically engineered to make girls feel terrible about themselves. She targets a girl’s deepest insecurities with the kind of accuracy reserved for heat-seeking missiles and makes it her mission to just obliterate their souls. She hooks up with members of both sexes based on political expediency and if that wasn’t enough, she says things like this:
One of the best moments in Challenge history.
In real life, this girl would be the very bane of my existence but on the Challenge — she’s El Jefe.
The show’s been lagging this season and needs a shot of V. Here’s to hoping the OG MG returns next season to bring the pain emotional terrorism to a bunch of rookies.
Enough about the past. Let’s focus on the present.
The show opens with a tourism spot for the Dominican Republic. Come for the hot bodies and beaches, stay for the quickie divorces!
This quickly devolves into the girls throwing an Animal Party at the house. What’s an Animal Party? Imagine a really low-rent version of The Lion King on Broadway. Add a little Coming to America (the scenes in Zamunda, not Queens) and then, get everyone hammered and semi-naked.
Unfortunately, nobody explained animals to Robin when she was a toddler, so she dresses up like a vampire. Partner Mark credits this to the fact that she has, “horrible social game.”
I’m inclined to agree and just for the record, Robin?
Animals = Real.
Vampires = Imaginary.
The night ends with Jasmine and CT having an earnest conversation about their issues with their respective partners. Or pahhhrdners.
No, I will never stop mocking CT’s Bawston accent.
Diem bangs it right on the head when she says that CT’s advice is nothing more than him projecting his issues onto Jasmine’s relationship with Tyrie.
Challenge: Rolling in the Deep
There’s a log at the top of the cliff. Each person holds onto the log and must do so as long as they can. Upon reaching the bottom of the ramp, the log begins to spin. The team mates must let go, hit the water, swim to a platform and ring a bell. Whoever takes the longest to ring the bell will end up in The Dome.
Jasmine drops into the water and starts swimming towards the bell. Tyrie loses his grip…and falls directly on top of her. At first, she thinks it’s the log but no. It’s her partner/ex (her pex?)
Ty and Emily hold on like champs and Ty swims like a Japanese Goblin Shark is after him. Yeah, good luck ever sleeping again after seeing that.
Abram is awfully sweet to Sad Panda Cara Maria — “I suck at swimming. I’m sow-reeee.” Which leads me to believe that these guys aren’t really exes at all. They’re way too cuddly and kind to one another.
CT and Diem kill it, Paula and Dunbar finish each other sentences and Bananas, being the rapier wit he is, says that this challenge is going to come down to seconds. Milliseconds. CAMILISECONDS!
Someone give that man a three-book deal and a late night talk show!
The two slowest performing teams for this challenge were Robin and Mark and Jasmine and Tyrie. A mere second does them in and Jasmine and Tyrie are Dome bound this week. Oh guys. You could have had it ahhhhhhh-awwwwwl! But you’re rollin’ in the deeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
I love Adele.
GODDAMN IT! Teej just tells Bananas and Camilla they killed it! Even though I hope this man steps on a Lego barefoot every single day of his life, I seriously regret not picking him for the Dirty Half Dozen. He’s the Kanye of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
They square off against Emily and Ty for the Power Couple honor and kill it once again.
Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla
Challenge Losers: Jasmine and Tyrie
Power Couple: Bananas and Camilla.
Bananas is gunning for Rachel because she sent him home during The Island and the politicking begins!
YES! This is my favorite part of all the Challenges.
Mark narcs on Bananas to Rachel and then, Rachel goes to Camilla and throws Mark under the bus, saying he doesn’t want to be there leading Bananas to reiterate that Rachel is a snake.
The housemates head back out for a night of drinking, dancing and fist pumping. If CT’s any indication, I get the horrible feeling that guidos from Boston are a million times worse than guidos from Jersey.
While CT and Diem are trying to recreate the magic of old times, Jasmine watches from afar and yells that she wants to watch them hook up because their story was like a soap opera and she loves her stories.
The politicking continues as Mark and Rachel have a serious talk about the backstabbery that went down. Rachel deny deny denies. Bananas shows up and then, he and Rachel start having a serious conversation. Bananas calls Rachel conniving (Hello Pot? This is the Kettle…) and then, Aneesa gets involved and basically states more of the same.
Blind rage for Rachel firmly in place, Bananas chucks Aneesa and Rachel straight into The Dome.
Hell hath no fury like a Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast mate scorned.
Dome Contestants: Jasmine and Tyrie versus Aneesa and Rachel.
Robin starts getting all weepy and talking about how she’d never want to lose her dignity. I don’t know if anyone told her this, but she’s on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. You check your dignity at the door. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s a contractual obligation.
Dome Challenge: X Knocks The Spot.
Same game as before. Jump and duck. If you need a refresher, click here.
My heart goes out to Jasmine. Being a munchkin myself, I get it. The vertical jump isn’t really my event either.
Aneesa eats it and a few moments afterwards, so does Tyrie, leaving Rachel and Jasmine to battle it out for supremacy.
Mark says this match-up is like an athlete going up against a termite and in the end, the termite heads back home meaning yet ANOTHER member of the Dirty Half Dozen has been felled.
Dome Winners: Aneesa and Rachel
Now that Rachel’s back in the house, Bananas better watch his back. Something tells me that she is not the forgive and forget type.
Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch.
Jasmine goes home and then, there were two — CT and Abram.
If these two chowderheads screw me, I am going to see to it that their bones bleach in the sun.
And by that, I mean I am writing one seriously pissy blog post about their failure for my fake fantasy team.
Quote of the Week:
The Boston Beast gets the award this week for referring to this week’s elimination round as the, “Dome of Nagging Gremlins.”
Why isn’t that a challenge? Stick a bunch of gremlins in a dome and have challengers claw their way out? Fun for the whole family, right?