Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Four: Love The Way You Lie

I’ve got to admit, I haven’t really been feeling this season.

The fights have been lackluster (Jasmine throws down at everything – “The fuck do you mean these pretzels are low-sodium?! I’m gonna throw this lamp!”), there hasn’t been any real shady politicking (Bananas is slacking big time) and the pestilence-spreading sexytimes I’ve come to expect with anything even remotely affiliated with MTV? Woefully replete.

Then, I realized what was missing — Veronica.

Queen Bee-yatch of the Mean Girls and a spunky little competitor, Veronica was genetically engineered to make girls feel terrible about themselves. She targets a girl’s deepest insecurities with the kind of accuracy reserved for heat-seeking missiles and makes it her mission to just obliterate their souls. She hooks up with members of both sexes based on political expediency and if that wasn’t enough, she says things like this:

One of the best moments in Challenge history.

In real life, this girl would be the very bane of my existence but on the Challenge — she’s El Jefe.

The show’s been lagging this season and needs a shot of V. Here’s to hoping the OG MG returns next season to bring the pain emotional terrorism to a bunch of rookies.

Enough about the past. Let’s focus on the present.

The show opens with a tourism spot for the Dominican Republic. Come for the hot bodies and beaches, stay for the quickie divorces!

This quickly devolves into the girls throwing an Animal Party at the house. What’s an Animal Party? Imagine a really low-rent version of The Lion King on Broadway. Add a little Coming to America (the scenes in Zamunda, not Queens) and then, get everyone hammered and semi-naked.

Unfortunately, nobody explained animals to Robin when she was a toddler, so she dresses up like a vampire. Partner Mark credits this to the fact that she has, “horrible social game.”

I’m inclined to agree and just for the record, Robin?

Animals = Real.
Vampires = Imaginary.

The night ends with Jasmine and CT having an earnest conversation about their issues with their respective partners. Or pahhhrdners.

No, I will never stop mocking CT’s Bawston accent.

Diem bangs it right on the head when she says that CT’s advice is nothing more than him projecting his issues onto Jasmine’s relationship with Tyrie.

Challenge: Rolling in the Deep

There’s a log at the top of the cliff. Each person holds onto the log and must do so as long as they can. Upon reaching the bottom of the ramp, the log begins to spin. The team mates must let go, hit the water, swim to a platform and ring a bell. Whoever takes the longest to ring the bell will end up in The Dome.

Jasmine drops into the water and starts swimming towards the bell. Tyrie loses his grip…and falls directly on top of her. At first, she thinks it’s the log but no. It’s her partner/ex (her pex?)

Ty and Emily hold on like champs and Ty swims like a Japanese Goblin Shark is after him. Yeah, good luck ever sleeping again after seeing that.

Abram is awfully sweet to Sad Panda Cara Maria — “I suck at swimming. I’m sow-reeee.” Which leads me to believe that these guys aren’t really exes at all. They’re way too cuddly and kind to one another.

CT and Diem kill it, Paula and Dunbar finish each other sentences and Bananas, being the rapier wit he is, says that this challenge is going to come down to seconds. Milliseconds. CAMILISECONDS!

Someone give that man a three-book deal and a late night talk show!

The two slowest performing teams for this challenge were Robin and Mark and Jasmine and Tyrie. A mere second does them in and Jasmine and Tyrie are Dome bound this week. Oh guys. You could have had it ahhhhhhh-awwwwwl! But you’re rollin’ in the deeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

I love Adele.

GODDAMN IT! Teej just tells Bananas and Camilla they killed it! Even though I hope this man steps on a Lego barefoot every single day of his life, I seriously regret not picking him for the Dirty Half Dozen. He’s the Kanye of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

They square off against Emily and Ty for the Power Couple honor and kill it once again.

Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla

Challenge Losers: Jasmine and Tyrie

Power Couple: Bananas and Camilla.

Post game:

Bananas is gunning for Rachel because she sent him home during The Island and the politicking begins!

YES! This is my favorite part of all the Challenges.

Mark narcs on Bananas to Rachel and then, Rachel goes to Camilla and throws Mark under the bus, saying he doesn’t want to be there leading Bananas to reiterate that Rachel is a snake.

The housemates head back out for a night of drinking, dancing and fist pumping. If CT’s any indication, I get the horrible feeling that guidos from Boston are a million times worse than guidos from Jersey.

While CT and Diem are trying to recreate the magic of old times, Jasmine watches from afar and yells that she wants to watch them hook up because their story was like a soap opera and she loves her stories.

The politicking continues as Mark and Rachel have a serious talk about the backstabbery that went down. Rachel deny deny denies. Bananas shows up and then, he and Rachel start having a serious conversation. Bananas calls Rachel conniving (Hello Pot? This is the Kettle…) and then, Aneesa gets involved and basically states more of the same.

Blind rage for Rachel firmly in place, Bananas chucks Aneesa and Rachel straight into The Dome.

Hell hath no fury like a Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast mate scorned.

Dome Contestants: Jasmine and Tyrie versus Aneesa and Rachel.

Robin starts getting all weepy and talking about how she’d never want to lose her dignity. I don’t know if anyone told her this, but she’s on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. You check your dignity at the door. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s a contractual obligation.

Dome Challenge: X Knocks The Spot.

Same game as before. Jump and duck. If you need a refresher, click here.

My heart goes out to Jasmine. Being a munchkin myself, I get it. The vertical jump isn’t really my event either.

Aneesa eats it and a few moments afterwards, so does Tyrie, leaving Rachel and Jasmine to battle it out for supremacy.

Mark says this match-up is like an athlete going up against a termite and in the end, the termite heads back home meaning yet ANOTHER member of the Dirty Half Dozen has been felled.

Dome Winners: Aneesa and Rachel

Now that Rachel’s back in the house, Bananas better watch his back. Something tells me that she is not the forgive and forget type.

Recapstasy:

Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch.

Jasmine goes home and then, there were two — CT and Abram.

If these two chowderheads screw me, I am going to see to it that their bones bleach in the sun.

And by that, I mean I am writing one seriously pissy blog post about their failure for my fake fantasy team.

And finally:

Quote of the Week:

The Boston Beast gets the award this week for referring to this week’s elimination round as the, “Dome of Nagging Gremlins.”

Why isn’t that a challenge? Stick a bunch of gremlins in a dome and have challengers claw their way out? Fun for the whole family, right?

Advertisements

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Three: Where Did Our Love Go?

You know what my favorite thing about the show is so far?

Boom.

Like a bad habit.

I also really like the fact that every episode title to date has been a song with the word ‘love’ in the title. I’m kind of a music geek and appreciate these little nods so I would like to recommend five songs that should be featured as episode titles:

1. Lover I Don’t Have To Love by Bright Eyes
2. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
3. Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
4. Love Is A Losing Game by Amy Winehouse
5. You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi

And this is why my mix CDs are better than the ones your high school boyfriend/girlfriend made for you.

Anyway, we’re back in the DR and shit’s getting real.

And by real, I mean Abram is being a weirdo as usual. He’s in a funk and doesn’t want to pretend to be friends with people. See, it’s not his first rodeo and he’s all honey badgered up — dude just doesn’t give a shit.

Man, I hate this kid. He’s so pretentious. Oh, I’m an artist. Look at my ridiculous, hand-drawn tattoos! I have deep feelings! Ugh. Abram is the worst.

Dipshit that he is, Zito smashes his knee open while walking down some steps and Bananas offers to suck him off.

Wait, what?

No. No. No.

Bananas offers to suck the poison out if it’s a snakebite. Thanks, guy….I’ll keep that in mind?

Zito goes to the hospital and gets five stitches.

I realize the dude just hurt himself, but for a couple of exes, Heather and Zito are awfully sweet to one another.

They meet up at the Blue Lagoon for the challenge and Teej has bad news. Busted knee + open wound means Zito is going home and Heather is following suit.

Ummm, what? They’re sending people home left and right for things completely unaffiliated with The Dome. Good thing I didn’t pick these two or the Dirty Half Dozen.

Challenge: Mental Connection

A team member lays on a board suspended on a board 25 feet above the water. Teej will ask questions. If they get the question wrong, they get launched off the platform and smash straight into the water below.

The first run starts with Team Paula and Dunbar vs Team Abe and Cara Maria

Abe is pissed about being chosen first and looks forward to dicking over Lee and Naomi for this travesty.

Teej starts the pairs off with pop culture questions. Paula and Dunbar breeze through this but Abe gets stumped when asked who is Britney Spears’ ex and father of her children? He answers ‘Aaron Drake’ (not a thing, dude) and is pitched straight into the depths below. Adios, dummy. Shoulda kept up with your Perez Hilton.

Cara Maria shits the bed when asked who Madonna’s famous ex is. You know, the star of I Am Sam and Milk? She responds Guy Ritchie. Horseshoes and hand grenades, sweet pea. Enjoy the briny depths.

Dunbar gets pitched when he can’t answer the first season Teej hosted. It was Gauntlet 2.

Paula dumps when she says John Wilkes Booth assassinated JFK. Oh, what the what? Really? Is this the state of public schools in this country now? Do you not get History Channel? Have you never opened a book? It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Or, you know, the Cubans, the CIA or the mob…depending on which conspiracy theory you believe.

Jasmine gets dumped when she says the Inferno was the first season to take place in Africa. Close, but no cigar sweetheart. It was the Inferno 3 which took place in Cape Town, South Africa.

Ty gets dumped when he spells ‘Insignificance’ wrong.

Emily gets dumped when she says MJ gave up basketball to play golf in 1993. Nope! Air Jordan was all about pursuing America’s past time and thankfully, he returned to the game that made him a legend. 1996 Bulls, anyone?

Tyrie thinks Picasso cut off his own ear. No — Picasso painted Guernica and banged a bunch of broads. Van Gogh was the one who engaged in self-surgery.

Bananas thinks Me, Myself and Irene won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2011. It was The King’s Speech, you jackanape. Why are you allowed to talk? Just shhhh, OK? Baby goes to sleep now.

Camila thought Hugh Hefner was engaged to Bob Marley. Say what you will about Hef, I’m relatively certain dude isn’t down with necrophilia. And for those of you who care about who a wrinkly old man is currently plowing, it’s some blonde named Crystal Harris.

CT thinks Danny and Melinda were on Inferno 2 and takes a bath as a result. Turns out they were actually on Gauntlet 3…with CT.

Diem spells Etiquette with a D .

Leroy doesn’t know who Jerry Hall is much less which rock star she married, so he gets wet. It’s Mick Jagger. How do you not know this?

Abram doesn’t know this either, so he asks Cara Maria who responds, “Spice Girl.”

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, AMERICA.

Naomi doesn’t know Cher was married to Sonny Bono.

Rachel can’t spell auditorium. Jesus, the hell with physical challenges. If you wanna see these guys quake in their Nikes, set up a spelling bee.

Aneesa thinks Billy Joel divorced Kate Moss instead of Christie Brinkley, smashes into the water face-first and starts bleeding. Medics are called and she gets stitches all up in her lip.

Mark says that Nate and Pricilla’s jerseys were yellow instead of gray.
.
Robin doesn’t even bother answering her question because she has no idea that Kate Hudson used to be married to Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes.

So, what have we learned from this game? Two simple things:

A) No-one on this show can spell for shit.
B) They all have terrible, terrible taste in music.

If you ever need a Quizzo team mate – do not pick one of these knuckleheads. You will lose. You know who you should pick? Your neighborhood friendly blogger. Just sayin’.

Since we have a couple of ties, the teams go into a final round to determine the power couple and who will be heading into The Dome.

Since Aneesa’s still hanging out in the ambulance, pulling teeth out of her mouth, this challenge will be Rachel versus Team Dunbar+Paula.

Good Ol’ Boy Dunbar thinks the capital of Alabama is Huntsville, so he takes a bath. Good job, dipshit. It’s actually Montgomery.

Rachel gets pitched because she doesn’t know a female deer is called a doe (someone didn’t watch Sound of Music as a child. Neither did I, but dude – everyone knows that song).

Thanks to Paula and her knowledge of children’s stories, she and Dunbar are safe from The Dome this week.

Now, it’s time for the losers to step up to the plate.

Cara Maria thinks pasta is the main ingredient of risotto, so she gets chucked.
Leroy takes a bath because he didn’t know that Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger and slept for 100 years.
Naomi doesn’t know a vixen is a female fox and gets dumped.

So, it looks like Lee and Naomi are heading back into The Dome.

Challenge Winners: Rachel and Aneesa and Dunbar and Paula.

Challenge Losers: Leroy and Naomi

Power Couple: Dunbar and Paula

Post game:

Diem recounts the story of her relationship with CT to Abram who fakes some tears and uses the tale to drive home a point about his relationship with Cara Maria. See, the reason they’re no longer together is because Cara Maria doesn’t want to give in to Abram’s love. It’s totally got nothing to do with the fact that he was arrested and smeared his own feces on the jail cell wall. Totally.

That’s gross so let’s move onto The Dome.

Dome Contestants: Leroy and Naomi versus Ty and Emily

Naomi is super pissed about this and thinks Paula is a “dumb bitch” and brutally unfair for picking Emily the Glamazon to go up against the 5’ tall Naomi. She would love nothing more than to spit in Paula’s face and if she wins this Dome Challenge, I get the feeling that’s exactly what she’ll do.

Dome Challenge: Banded Together

Each player is connected to their partner by a rubber band which is also connected to a pole. Race across and hold onto the opposing pole for five seconds and you win the challenge.

Teej sounds the horn and it’s action stations. Ty and Emily are doing it ass-backwards according to Abram while Lee and Naomi have a much better strategy.

Unfortunately, this strategy means dick and Ty and Emily end up winning.

Dome Winners: Ty and Emily.

Ever the gracious winner, Lee says Naomi gave 110% and that he’s proud of her. I love this guy and it sucks that I lose yet another member of the Dirty Half Dozen. We’re down to the Dirty Three now.

Paula better watch her back because Emily is going to be gunning for that ass.

Recapstasy:

Team Dirty Half Dozen SUCKED this week. We lost yet another team mate and gained 0 points. Yup. Big fat goose egg which leaves us at 200 points after three weeks of play.

And finally:

Quote of the Week:

“If you smash the next chick in The Dome, I’ll smash you all night” – CT.

Seriously, CT. Here’s my purse and all my credit cards. Just please don’t eat my liver.

Who says that to a girl and actually expects it to work?!

Smashed? Really?

What do you think? I’ve got a fucking metallurgy shop down there?

Jesus, Boston Beast. I realize I bagged on Wes last week for his cotton candy game but in comparison — I think I’d take the Ginger Ninja over you. There’s a much greater chance of me actually surviving that encounter with my limbs still intact.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode Two: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Last season, resident hothead Adam R. got punted for fighting in the first episode and was replaced by my favorite Real World cast member ever — Mike.

I’m a big advocate of Mike making a triumphant return to The Challenge for three reasons:

A) Mike hooked up with Paula and could be considered an ex based on the premise set up by the show. Bringing in Mike means getting rid of Dunbar – always a good thing because Dunbar sucks.
B) Mike hates Zito and calls him on his shit. This is both entertaining and emotionally satisfying as Zito sucks.
C) It would mean the triumphant return of Mike+Leroy – the world’s most awesome hetero life mates.

Since the series has already been filmed, I very much doubt I can send out a plea for this but to the fine producers at Bunim-Murray — make this happen next season.

We Like Mike!

See?

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks.

Second episode means we get to see the show’s openings credits. This is the second worst credits sequence in the history of the show – the first being the horrible approximation of Maori culture during The Duel 2.

Pre-challenge gives us a quick look at the couples and their history:

Wes is all sad panda because Mandi is currently dating someone else. But fear not, gentle reader! Gingerbread has a plan to get the ball back in his court.

Yes, he actually refers to Mandi as a ball.
No, I don’t understand how he’s single either.

Sarah enlightens us that the reason she and Vinny, who will heretofore be referred to as Jersey Shore Chaz Bono, are not together is because, “He’s got an IQ that’s less than I can count on my hand.”

Yup. Seems legit. However, in comparison to Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny may as well have mapped the human genome.

This episode also features our first fight and I’m pleased to say that a member of the Half Dirty Dozen was the one who started throwing some bows. Jasmine and Tyrie get into a spat and she launches all 86lbs of herself at him.

Aneesa – what is your face even doing?

He just kind of swats her off as if she was a pesky mosquito and she does what she does best – yell. Oh God, with the yelling.

Girl has a serious Napoleon complex and I’m kinda stoked about it. Her Scrappy Doo-ing will lead to all sorts of points.

Onto the Challenge!

Challenge: Hook Up

Again, there are two platforms suspended above the water. The goal is to get to the other side, beam by beam, using a giant fishhook. If you drop into the water, it’s an immediate disqualification

Bananas and Camilla (last week’s power couple) pick Wes and Camilla and Zito and Heather to go first. Both teams get DQ’d but Dustin+Heather manage to get two beams under their belt before dropping to the briny depths below.

Sarah and Jersey Shore Chaz Bono make it to the third beam prompting Paula to bust out a fat joke at his expense – “Vinny is really surprising me. Maybe I should be eating more lasagna too.”

CT and Diem’s pre-challenge confessional reminds me of a couple arguing at Home Depot. You know who I’m talking about — they stand in the middle of the paint aisle, passive-aggressively sniping about goldenrod versus saffron paint and making life shitty for every other customer there– and this eventually leads to them DQ’ing after hitting the two beam mark.

Goddamn Bananas and Camilla kill it and complete all six beams, so they go up against Vinny and Sarah to determine this week’s power couple.

A quick note about Johnny Bananas. I’m pretty certain he’s the worst person ever, so this season — I made a moral choice not to draft him for the Dirty Half Dozen.

I was an idiot. Ethics has no place in reality television fantasy. It doesn’t matter that Johnny Bananas is a scumbag and representative of the worst of the XX chromosome. He puts up points.

Challenge Winners: Bananas and Camilla

Challenge Losers: Leroy and Naomi

Power Couple: Vinny and Sarah

Post game, Sarah considers sending Tyrie and Jasmine into the Dome because they ride high on the drama llama. Personally, I think she’s just scared of Jasmine coming at her like Henery Hawk. It doesn’t take much to get that girl all amped up.

Vinny and Sarah apparently have a vendetta against Wes and he chalks this up to jealousy because apparently, he’s, “beat them at everything. At this game and in life.”

Sarah keeps espousing those whole notion of fairness to which I say, “That shit cray.” There is no room for fairness in The Game. You chop your opponent’s legs off at the knees and laugh while he bleeds. Talk to Bananas. He’ll tell you.

The house head out to experience the nightlife in the Dominican Republic. Under the guise of dancing, Aneesa starts coitusing Leroy on the dance floor and Naomi sees red but doesn’t really act on it.

Aneesa is a lucky girl. If she was messing with Coral’s man, she’s probably be in a coma right now. Coral doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up!

Despite this saving grace, Lee knows he should be worried.

“I’m gonna end up dead. The girl I slept with will end up dead. Any girl who knew about it but didn’t tell her will probably die too.”

You know, for a man whose bloody murder is imminent, my boy Leroy is cool as a cucumber.

After pounding shots-shots-shots, Vinny goes full Jersey Shore (read: morphs into even more of a beligerent asshole) and rips off Mandi’s shirt . As this is a direct violation of the rules and something that would get you curb-stomped in reality, Vinny gets chucked off the show.

Peace out, Jersey Shore Chaz Bono. You will not be missed.

Unfortunately, this means Sarah has to pack her bags and GTFO as well. I actually feel bad for her. It sucks that she has to pay for the sins of her douchebag partner but that’s The Game.

Dome Contestants: Leroy and Naomi versus Wes and Mandi

Dome Challenge: The X Battle

In a best of three contest, the goal is to rip a foam X out of your opponent’s hands. The stakes are higher for this challenge because the winners of this battle will be crowned power couple and get to determine who goes first in the next challenge.

Brimming with the kind of confidence everyone wants to hear from their partner, Naomi busts out with the following: “I’m not good at puzzles, I’m not good at climbing, I’m not good at most things.”

Great. From now on, Naomi will be referred to as Albatross.

The men go first and Wes goes at Lee like a goddamn spider monkey. But my boy is tenacious with a pitbull grip. He wins both rounds with some quickness, despite the fact that his arms feel like Jello.

The women are up next and Naomi looks like she’s going to eat Blondie, but Mandi is a tough little cookie and holds onto the X, winning both rounds.

A coin-toss determines that Wes and Leroy will be heading into the sudden death round.

Wes fucking barrel-rolls at Leroy and tries every single trick in his bag to hold onto the X, but it’s not enough and my boy Leroy pulls it out for the big W.

Dome Winners: Leroy and Naomi

This means that Wes and Mandi are heading home and that the Dirty Half Dozen are down to the Dirty Quartet.

Recapstasy:

Team Dirty Half Dozen is doing better than I previously thought. Last week, I missed TJ telling both CT and Sarah that they, “killed it” which, at 25 points a pop, puts us up to 60 points.

Now, this week’s points:

Sarah being kicked off: 100 points
Sarah crying: 5 points
Jasmine fighting: 25 points
Leroy winning the Dome: 10 points

Which means that as of right now, the Dirty Half Dozen is currently sitting pretty with 200 points.

Quote of the Week:

This week’s quote comes courtesy of the Ginger Ninja himself as he bends over backwards to ingratiate himself to Mandi. His game was soft like ice cream but this was definitely the worst of it:

“I haven’t got a shot in hell, but I can’t wait to go to sleep because when I go to sleep? Maybe I do.”

OK, what the fuck, Wes? I don’t know what your game is, friend but there’s no way it’s going to work. These sugary-sweet platitudes and you talking about love and respect and wifing broads up? Yeah. No. Not buying it.

I know dudes like this. I fell for dudes like this. And you know what? It never worked out. Why? Because dudes like this are full of shit! They don’t mean this stuff – they just wanna take a trip to the candy shop.

Of course, he IS trying to romance Mandi, so who knows? Maybe we’ll see these two next season on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Couples Showdown.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes Recapstasy Or, Episode One: Love is a Battlefield

Welcome to the Ex Games!

The Real World (and now defunct Road Rules) is about one thing. No, not exploring new places and cultures while learning about the multifaceted pastiche that is America. It’s about swapping as much bodily fluid as possible, So the 22nd season kicks off with 24 human petri dishes looking to win big.

At the center of this shitstorm of cray is host and champion BMXer, TJ Lavin. For those new to the Recapstasy – we love Teej, Our boy is sane, rational, fair and the best person on the show. If I may be so bold as to bite from Fitzgerald, Teej believes in you as you would like to believe in yourself. And nowhere is this more evident than when he says, “You killed it!”

Contestants are covered in this post, fake fantasy (Team Dirty Half Dozen) is covered here and as for the game itself? The song remains the same:

All contestants participate in a Challenge.
Winners of the Challenge gain immunity and celebrate by vodka-punching their liver.
Losers of the Challenge (and a team picked by the winners) are thrown into The Dome — a winner-takes-all battle royale whose name is meant to evoke imagery of Thunderdome…or Mark Long’s receding hair line.
Dome winners get to stay and play another day; losers pack their bags and head home. Maybe there’s some hate sex thrown in there too. I don’t know.

Everyone up to speed? Alright, let’s get down to business.

The cast lands in the land of easy divorce – the Dominican Republic – and gather in The Dome to partner up.

Immediately, Jasmine and Tyrie start sniping at each other, Leroy admits to being scared of Naomi, which makes sense because she’s pretty explicit about her desire to murder Leroy and any girl with whom he hooks up and Mandi says she doesn’t plan on kissing anything but the final paycheck. That’s cute, Blondie but we all know that’s not true because dude, you dated Wes! Standards — you do not has them, Mandi.

Teej explains the stakes:

First place goes home with $150K
Second place earn a cool $100K
Third place earn $40K.

The house is lush and decorated with framed photographs of each couple. Some are sweet and some, like the one of Wes and Mandi actually engaging in intercourse are just gross. Oh, not because of the act. More because the idea of Wes copulating with anyone/thing is enough to inspire a Tim Gunn-ian vow of celibacy, if not a mad desire to plunge your genitals into lye.

Too much? Too much.

Onto the Challenge!

Challenge: Give Me Some Honey

Two platforms suspended above the water and connected by a beam.

The contestants have 10 minutes to transfer honey from a bathtub to a container using only their bodies. So basically, the cast mates are to slather themselves in the honey, slip-and-slide across the beam to the other platform where their teammate is waiting to scrub all the honey off into a pot. Then, they switch it up.

Unlike previous challenges, falling into the water does not result in an immediate disqualification.

Yeah. It’s just as disgusting as it sounds and is ruining honey for me. Wait, is that Kenny? No? OK, back to being disgusted again.

Before the challenge starts, CT tells Diem that he’s going to molest her when they get up there in order to procure a win. You know what? Here, take my purse. Just please don’t hurt me, CT.

The game gets under way and the contestants are doing way better than I expected. Zito and Heather scare the vets by performing really well and Dustin busts out with, “This is way thicker than I thought it would be.” I get the feeling he’s said that sentence before. Mark and Robin fill the entire bucket before the time limit expires and CT almost falls off the beam but is saved by his “cat-like reflexes.” The same cannot be said for Nate whose chunky butt falls off the beam four times and you know what that means.

Teams Bananas+Camilla and Mark+Paula go head to head to determine who will be the power couple.

Bananas and Camilla win the challenge easily and even better, Camilla gets some serious love from Teej who proclaims her to be tough.

Challenge Winners:  Bananas and Camilla

Challenge Losers: Nate and Priscilla

And now, my favorite part of the game – the politicking.

Wes wants to get under Camilla’s skin and read her like a book. Nice mixed metaphor there, Gingerbread. Unfortunately, Wes is a moron and doesn’t play “the game” nearly as well as Bananas and gets shut the fuck down, leading him to be mad at his mouth.

Yes, he actually said that.

Dome Contestants: Nate and Priscilla versus Wes and Mandi. Holy shit, Bananas. Way to destroy your enemy alliance right off the bat.

Dome Challenge: X Knocks The Spot.

The goal is to jump and duck to avoid being knocked off a platform by a slowly rotating fan blade.

Priscilla gets knocked off early, leaving Nate to shoulder this burden all on his lonesome. He’s going to go until he dies, though….until he gets bumped off 15 minutes later.

Adios San Diegans. You stay classy.

Dome Winners: Wes and Mandi

Back at the house, CT and Diem are having a serious discussion about their relationship. Lots of messy feelings there and I’m sure they’ll come to a head soon enough.

Recapstasy:

The Dirty Half Dozen are off to a lame start. All points this week were accrued by the Ginger Ninja himself:

Winning the elimination challenge: +10 (Wes)
References to “The Game”: +5 (Wes)

A grand total of 15. Man, I miss Adam R. Why they hell aren’t he and Nany on this show? I would be swimming in points.

And finally:

Quote of the Week: “Can someone please kill me in my sleep so I don’t have to do the Challenge tomorrow?” — Naomi.

Obviously, girl is in it to win it.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge Recapstasy – The Dirty Half Dozen

If this world was a better place, the following would be true:

A) There would be an Instagram App and cute Kate Spade cases for the Droid (this is the most first worldy of my numerous first world problems).

B) Angel would have gotten at least one more season. I really wanted to see more of the gang at Wolfram & Hart. Also, Whedon would never have destroyed Fred. Damn you, Whedon! Wesley was finally happy!

C) Grantland would hook a girl up with a real fantasy draft for Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Like the one ESPN.com uses for NFL…but with way more points accrued for public intoxication and nudity.

Left to my own devices, I have to formulate my own fantasy team for the purposes of this blog. Last season, Team Crucio (because you know they would if they had the chance) did quite well and two of my picks (Bananas and Tyler) actually won the final Challenge.

This season, I’m left floating in the breeze again so here are my fake draft picks for the season. Ladies and gents — meet the Dirty Half Dozen:

1. CT

Rookie Season: The Real World: Paris
Known For: Beating the shit out of Adam King, demanding that Adam King be his friend, being the cast member most likely to lunge at you and eat your liver.
Strengths: Everyone fears the Boston Beast
Weaknesses: The Boston Beast is getting soft in his old age. He was downright genial last season. I don’t approve of that.
Challenges Won: 0 (but you always pick the Boston Beast. Always)

2. Abram

Rookie Season: Road Rules: South Pacific
Known For: Having weirdo, animal-noise sexytime with Cara Maria, writing a children’s book, smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell.
Strengths: Smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell (crazy gets you far in this game)
Weaknesses: Smearing poop on the wall of a jail cell (there’s a limit to how far, though)
Challenges Won: 2

3. Jasmine

Rookie Season: The Real World: Cancun
Known For: Yelling. Oh God, so much yelling.
Strengths: She beat Sarah in a Jungle match-up.
Weaknesses: Wears her emotional instability right there on her sleeve. So easy to manipulate.
Challenges Won: 0

4. Leroy

Rookie Season: The Real World: Las Vegas II
Known For: Being Mike’s BFF and being the only reasonable, rational member of the cast
Strengths: Solid competitor, disliking Zito (who sucks)
Weaknesses: Sleeping with dumb girls, not having Mike around
Challenges Won: 0

5. Wes

Rookie Season: The Real World: Austin
Known For: Being a ginger douchewaffle
Strengths: Dude is actually pretty funny.
Weaknesses: Cries like a little red-headed bitch when he gets a cramp, his sworn enemy (the glorious Mr. Beautiful, Kenny Santucci) slept with his ex-fiance…and then, CARRIED his whiny, whimpering ass up Mount Doom, dishes it out, can’t take it.
Challenges Won: 1

6. Sarah

Rookie Season: Real World: Brooklyn
Known For: Having lots of tattoos
Strengths: Decent competitor, knows “the game”
Weaknesses: Girl had some seriously ill-advised crushes. She had a thing for her teammate Vinny (obviously) and that kid seems like a huge chowderhead. She also had a weird schoolyard crush on Kenny. I can’t blame her for the latter. Mr. Beautiful is fun to look at and wholly amusing. Now, please excuse me while I go and swallow bleach.
Challenges Won: 2

Grantland set up a scoring system here and the specific rules for RW/RR Challenge: Battle of the Exes are as follows:

Making TJ say, “You killed it”: 25 points
Winning elimination challenge: 10 points
Winning final challenge: 50 points
Leaving show due to injury: -50 points
Announcing you are “in control of the game” (or something close to it): 5 points
Slandering your ex’s sexual performance: 25 points
Cannibalism: 100 points
Inciting the arrival of a vehicle with a siren: 20 points (general rule added Season 2)
Assault of an inanimate object: 10 points (general rule added Season 2)
Cold sore possession: 15 points (general rule added Season 2)

I’ve got a good feeling about this season. I’ve got some strong competitors who ride high on the drama llama. It’s gonna be good, guys.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge – Battle of the Exes Or, The Triumphant Return of The Recapstasy!

It was bound to happen sometime.

With all the hooking up that goes on during the show, some lightbulb at MTV had a Eureka moment and blurted out, “Dude bros! You know what would be like, Bible bad-ass? Like, getting together all the exes for a Challenge? Amirite? Yeahhhh.”

And out of this spark, the newest incarnation of Real World/Road Rules Challenge was born.

This season features thirteen ex-couples all vying for big money. Let’s do a quick rundown to refamiliarize you with the cast members, shall we?

Abram and Cara Maria

Abram smears poop on walls (Google it).
Cara Maria likes ponies and has a lot of feelings.

CT and Diem

CT would punch through your solar plexus if you scuffed his sneaker. Yeah, he’s calmed down a little but I wouldn’t put it past him to murder my cat.
Diem had cancer but it’s in remission now.

Dunbar and Paula

Dunbar was in a porn (Google it)
Paula finally won a Challenge last season.

Dustin and Heather

Dustin is a gay-for-pay homophobe (Google it).
Heather is blonde and sprite-like.

Johnny and Camila

Bananas is the worst person ever.
Camila went to the Gulag a lot.

Leroy and Naomi

Leroy is the only likeable member of the cast.
Much to my irritation, Naomi says things like, “I don’t drive cars; I drive boys.”

Mark and Robin

I’m pretty sure Mark is an AARP member.
Robin is an asshole when she drinks.

Nate and Priscilla

All I know about these two bananaheads is that they’re from The Real World: San Diego.

Rachel and Aneesa

Rachel is one of the OG Mean Girls. She and Veronica engaged in some hardcore emotional terrorism anytime they got together.
Aneesa used to wander around the Chicago house naked.

Ty and Emily

Ty has anger issues and once tossed a roommate off a balcony.
Emily was on Road Rules with Timmy way back in 1996. No. No, she wasn’t. My sister says this is Emily from the DC season. Apparently, this chick was raised in a cult and digs on yoga.

Tyrie and Jasmine

Tyrie likes to fight.
Jasmine likes to fight.

Vinny and Sarah

Vinny looks like he belongs on Jersey Shore.
Sarah has tattoos and once, had a really ill-conceived crush on Mr. Beautiful.

Wes and Mandi

Wes is a little red-headed bitch who cries like an infant and has to be carried up mountains. Also, dude looks like wet pizza dough (according to the brilliant Figgy of Pajiba fame)
Mandi looks like pre-plastic surgery Heidi Montag and has interminably bad taste in men. She also had a thing for CT. Ew, Mandi. Ew.

After looking over this list, you will realize that there are a couple of glaring omissions:

Rachel and Sean – What? Now that you’re involved in civic life, you’re too good for reality television? You know, maybe if you competed in a challenge, you’d make a little cash. After all, in your world – six figures might as well be the bread line.

Trishelle and Stephen – Oh, the hot messery. Also, does anyone else think Stephen looks like Ryan Reynolds’ non-union body double?

Coral and Abram – Why do women want to get with this lunkhead? I care not for him – I just want my girl Coral back. She doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up!

And the most glaring omission of all – Wes/Johanna/Kenny.

Yes, it would be an unfair advantage as this team has three players as opposed to two but imagine the possibilities!

Every week, these three knuckleheads get together and decide who’ll jump into The Dome. Then, they learn what the mission is and vicious in-fighting ensues.

Also, the hatred simmering between Wes and Mr. Beautiful is probably at an all-time high, so I’m relatively certain someone would wake up with a live viper in their bed which would make for quality programming.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes starts up at 10:00 pm on January 22 and the Recapstasy will be back in full effect.

I’m trying to set up a fantasy league for the show so if anyone has any idea how to pull off such a coup, please let me know.

Winner gets bragging rights, hugs and a handcrafted mix CD.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Rivals Recapstasy Or, Episode Ten: At The End of the World

Welcome to the beginning of the end — all that stands in the way of $200,000 is a big-ass mountain, some puzzles (essentially every cast member’s biggest weakness) and five other teams clawing their way to the top.

Despite the fact that Kenny lost his mojo, CT didn’t scalp anyone and no-one’s fake breasts exploded, it was a pretty decent season but I have to say that I liked the theory of Rivals much more than the execution.

My biggest issue was that most of these pairings weren’t so much rivalries as they were petty grievances.

As much as I love and am rooting for Team Bromance to win the big money, the pairing of Mike and Leroy was dumb on the part of the producers. They should have punted Leroy and brought on Mike and Zito. If the Las Vegas II reunion was any indication, there’s no love lost between those two.

If the show returns, I don’t want mild annoyances. I want to see pairings of the people most likely to viciously malign their partner’s character, give them a soap-bar beatdown and leave them stranded in a Cambodian jungle. Preferably in a nest of vipers.

In short, I want to see these guys:

Julie and Veronica – Julie the Mormon tried to kill Veronica by unhooking her safety harness when the pair were hanging 40 feet in the air.
Julie and Coral – Julie the Mormon wanted to wrestle with Coral to resolve their differences. Coral’s response, “I don’t wrestle! I beat bitches up!”
EV and Bananas – Bananas hates women; EV is a woman with both a voice, an opinion and a brain.
Tina and Beth – Tina cold-cocked Beth much to the glee of every cast member ever.
Veronica and Tanya – Veronica is a mean girl and Tanya is a quivering mess of insecurities.
Johanna and Wes – They were engaged to be married. Also, Johanna slept with Kenny.

However, I’m pretty sure that MTV has an anti-homicide policy (despite its butchery of my childhood – i.e. Teen Wolf) so the odds of me seeing these couplings is slim to utterly negligible.

Now, let’s get to the meat behind the beat:

The show opens with the boys kayaking to land and heading to the first checkpoint – Pet Rock. Their mission is to lug a big-ass rock on the trail with them. As Kenny so eloquently put it, “Aside from this ball and chain, I have a redheaded ball and chain.”

Rock in tow, the cast members head to the next checkpoint. The cleverly titled ‘Memories’ which is nothing more than memorizing an entire campsite.

Mike and Lee break the giant rock in the hopes of redistributing the weight. Working smart, boys.

Next checkpoint is called Pile up — move dirt from one area to another prompting Jenn to remark, “This isn’t even a final. This is just manual labor.”

Why he’s doing this, I have no idea. He’s weird. He’s an idiot. I don’t know – Kenny on Wes.

In order to get to the next checkpoint, the cast members have to travel through a marsh prompting Cara Maria to say, “My partner’s a horse and I love her.”

Yeah, this girl’s going to meet her maker in the same way Catherine the Great did, isn’t she?

At the next checkpoint, teammates have to recreate the original campsite. If it’s correct, they can continue down the line. If not, they have to haul back to the original and do it all over again. This involves building the tent from the ground up which is a kick in the crotch because seriously, who the hell wants to do that? I’ve helped build a tent before and it sucks.

Both EV and Paula and Laurel and Cara Maria mess up their recreations and disheartened, they have to head back. EV and Paula pick up on their mistake and haul ass back to the recreation site.

Team Baby Prostitute also known as Jenn and Mandi, get everything wrong. Literally. As in that’s what the on-screen text says – “Everything wrong.”

While assembling their recreation, Wes starts puking and seeing stars. Why? Because he’s a giant red-headed man baby.

Laurel and Cara Maria recreate the campsite and hit the trail gaining a ten minute lead on EV and Paula.

They arrive at the next checkpoint – Final Feast where their mission is to eat everything on their plates the fastest. Empanadas, logs of meat, salad and steak which possibly originated from a Pekinese.

This checkpoint should have been called Vomit Bistro because that’s basically all that happens here. The cast mates shovel food into their gaping maws and then everyone starts vomiting except for Kenny. Why isn’t Kenny puking? Because he grew up Italian in New Jersey and could eat a feast like this every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Also, he’s not a fucking sissy.

Wondering where Jenn and Mandi are? They’re still trying to recreate the campsite.

Wes collapses on the trail and starts whining about the golf ball sized contraction in the back of his leg. It’s pretty disgusting but judging by Wes’ reaction, you’d think dude was going through labor or something.

Kenny then PICKS UP Wes and carries his freckly bitch-ass (as well as the giant rock) all the way up Mount Doom.

Let’s recap, shall we Gingerbread? Not only did Kenny sex up your ex on national television but now, he’s carrying you up a mountain as if you were a sleepy child.

Shame, thy name is Wes.

Due to the fact that Jenn and Mandi took 85 hours to recreate the campsite, a producer stops them in their tracks and says it would be too dark and dangerous to continue to the next checkpoint and therefore, Team Baby Prostitute gets disqualified. They seem to be in pretty good spirits about it, though. They hug it out and all is well despite the DQ.

The remaining  teammates get to the next checkpoint – Sleep or Stand – and HOLY SHIT, they have to spend the night on the mountain. One of them must stand on the rock while their teammate sleeps and switch off every hour. If they fall off, they must immediately awaken their team mate and get them to say, “I forgive you.”

If they wake up another team, they’ll get a ten minute delay penalty in the morning.

Did Jigsaw design this sadistic bastard of a challenge?

Lee, being the kick-ass hetero life-mate he is, goes first so as to let Mike sleep. Rivalry? No. Best bromance ever? Oh yeah.

Mike and Leroy are the polar opposite of Team Chowderhead as Wes compares Kenny to a, “very bad abusive father” and says he’s a horrible partner. It doesn’t surprise me at all that the cockiest cast member is also the biggest wet rag.

Day breaks and TJ shows up to tell them that the challenge will be in two parts:

1. Racing to the top of the mountain. The order in which they start up the mountain is determined by the order in which they arrived at the campsite.
2. Search and rescue. The teammates have to find a key via an avalanche beacon. The key opens up the trophy case containing the cash.

Paula and EV get the two minute head start and head up Mount Doom. Since Team Baby Prostitute DQ’d, all the girls will be going home with cash in pocket.

Kenny and Wes get the two minute head start followed by Bananas and Tyler and finally, Lee and Mike. Unfortunately, Mike and Leroy choose not to head up the mountain because Mike’s in such poor shape.

I really wish Team Bromance would have won the final challenge but they kicked ass and I really hope to see them compete in the future.

Homing beacons in hand, the teammates scramble around Mount Doom, searching for their keys.

Bananas and Tyler find the key, haul ass up the mountain and win the final elimination challenge.

They’re followed by EV and Paula who finally wins a damn challenge.

Kenny is infuriated with Wes and in typical Wes fashion, he brushes off Kenny’s criticisms and turns the blame around on his partner. The fact that Kenny doesn’t chuck Firecrotch off the peak is a testament to his patience because my ass would have pitched him a long time ago.

Due to the DQs, everyone is going home with cash in hand so all’s well that ends well….until the reunion show next week.

RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:

A majority of Team Crucio were left in the final elimination challenge — Kenny, Jenn, Bananas, Tyler, Mike and Cara Maria so I think I picked a pretty good team this season.

Winning the Final Challenge courtesy of Bananas: 50 points
Winning the Final Challenge courtesy of Tyler: 50 points
Verbal Fighting courtesy of Kenny: 5 points
Vomiting courtesy of Mike: 10 points
Vomiting courtesy of Cara Maria: 10 points

Bringing the episode total to 125 points and the grand season total for Team Crucio at a whopping 525 points. That’s pretty damn good and I can’t wait to play again next season.

Finally, the Quote of the Week. This week’s episode was rife with great ones but the one that got me the most was courtesy of my boy Leroy — “I could go for some fuckin’ macaroni and cheese right now, man.” Amen to that, brother. If I had gone through all the stuff that he just did, I’d want some mac and cheese as well.

Final thoughts: The season was a little shaky but the final definitely made up for it. I have no idea how they’re going to up the ante, but I get the feeling the next iteration will be bigger, more intense and somehow manage to ratchet up the batshit like never before.