And we’re back!
Welcome to the recap of the second half of the 21 Jump Street premiere.
You can read the first half here, or we can just skip to Cliff Notes:
– Officer Tom Hanson has just joined Jump Street – a program where babyfaced police officers go undercover to investigate criminal activity among teens. Rounding out the Jump Street Crew — Captain Jenko and officers Penhall, Ioki and Hoffs.
– Hanson gets assigned to Amherst High where he’ll play a disciplinary transfer named Tom Bauer. Also matriculating at Amherst? Suburbanite shitbag Kenny who’s six large into a drug dealer and Tyrell, aforementioned drug dealer who has a penchant for dressing like Michael Jackson circa Beat It.
We all caught up? Let’s get started.
The show opens with Jenko, Penhall and Ioki playing some sort of slo-mo football/frisbee hybrid at Jump Street. Hanson, square that he is, interrupts by walking in and insisting on debriefing.
Jenko says he hates debriefing because, “it sounds Republican or something…” to which Tom expresses his party affiliation. Of course he is. Because Republicans are squares and that’s what the liberal Hollywood media want you to believe.
Jenko relents and calls the officers to order. Ioki talks about making a drug bust and when he balks at sharing the collar with Hoffs, she calls him ‘Tojo.’? Really guys? Tojo? We weren’t past this in the late 80s?
Ioki and Hanson pair up on stakeout detail. It’s not long before they see Kenny leave his house.
And start tailing him on his paper route/smash and grab tour of the ‘burbs. Some fancy driving ensues and Kenny does a pretty decent job avoiding the pair on his scooter. Unfortunately, the whole thing goes to pot when Kenny gets away and Ioki and Hanson are stopped by a squad car.
It’s OK. We’re cops. See? Of course, the uniform busting Hanson? His former partner, Officer Morty Seinfeld. Who didn’t see that one coming?
Cut to English class where Hanson gets busted for passing notes and his “wise mouth.” As punishment, Evil English Teacher Mr. Land strong-arms Hanson into joining the drama club production of Rip Van Winkle. This is going to end well.
Post-class, Hanson’s note-passing partner in crime is babbling about her loose sexual mores and herpes. Hanson’s looking for a way out of this increasingly uncomfortable situation and he spots Kenny sauntering down the halls. He needs to hide. Quick. So, he does what any upstanding officer of the law would do in his position.
Make out with the annoying slutty girl closest to you. Hey, it’s a public high school. You can’t swing a cat….
(Sidebar: You know that smooching Johnny Depp was the apex of this girl’s life)
Post minor-altercation with Annoying Slutty Girl’s boyfriend (of course she has a boyfriend! She puts out), Hanson heads to the theater where Mr. Land pairs him up with Kenny of Smash and Grab fame. Typical teenager that he is, Kenny is totally oblivious and thinks Hanson used to date his sister. Close, but no cigar. Idiot.
ASG greets Hanson in the hall again and he lets her down gently…but saying he’s a carrier of herpes. “Wounded in action in the sexual revolution.”
To which I respond, “Honey, get yourself some Valtrex and have at it.”
Hanson walks out to the parking lot to discover Kenny being accosted by Jermaine.
Jermaine whips out a knife and starts circling Hanson. Dude, seriously — chill on the whole emulating Michael Jackson thing. You’ll thank me in 1993. Trust me.
Their little Beat It pow-wow is broken up by Coach Schaeffer who warns Hanson not to pull Waxer (Jermaine) off-sides because he’s a killer. We get it, writers. He’s a coach. He likes sports metaphors.
Cut to: Kenny walking into an auto shop where Jermaine and Ray-Ray have just finished chopping the family Jag. Kenny hands over a bookbag filled with ‘hot’ merch and is told that no matter what he does, he can never get even.
Later that night, Stakeout Partners Ioki and Hanson follow Jermaine from his dump of a home to a swanky restaurant populated by champagne-sipping broads in furs. Jermaine seems pretty at home with the 401K crowd and while he’s meeting with a balding, bearded heavy — Hanson flashes his badge to get a Bud Lite. Really, dude? You’re abusing the badge for a Bud Light? At least get a rye on the rocks or a gin and ginger or something.
Jermaine and Beardo Baldy leave with Ioki and Hanson hot on their respective trails. Hanson, genius that he is, commandeers a cab driven by someone who went to the Lindsay Lohan Driving School and they end up smashing directly into Jermaine’s Porsche. Jermaine sees Hanson in the backseat, pulls out his gat and shoots, missing Hanson but shattering the back window. He gets back into his car and speeds off, leaving Hanson and the cabbie stranded and steaming at the intersection. In a battle between Porsche and yellow cab, there’s no way the Porsche would win. The cab would, to quote the ineffable Dr. Emmett Brown, “rip through them like tin foil.”
Jermaine shows up while Kenny is dumpster-diving and gives him a speedball. Yeah kid — go ahead. Get embroiled with the same stuff that killed Belushi. Great idea.
Monumental moron that he is, Kenny decides there’s no better place to strap up and get high than the school locker room.
The idiot passes out in the shower, Hanson finds him and calls the paramedics while on the other side of town, Jenko and Ioki burst into Beardo Baldy’s place and Jenko practices a little of that sweet, sweet police brutality.
Kenny ends up in the hospital, Beardo Baldy ends up in jail and Officer Hoffs delivers this particularly pithy bit of advice, “You can bust all the dealers you want but you’ve gotta bust the jones.”
Kenny’s parents are at his bedside, mollycoddling him about how they feel responsible and how they’re sorry and in typical shitbag fashion, Kenny responds with, “It’s got more to do with who’s cool than what parents you got stuck with.” At this point, I find myself feverishly hoping dude goes down the same path Jared Leto did in Requiem for a Dream.
Officer Hanson shows up and cops up to, well being a cop and I learn all sorts of drug terminology — “Ten CCs of China White! Speedballing with pure flake!”
Kenny’s shitbaggery may fly with his parents, but Officer Thomas Hanson don’t take no crap. So, he slaps Kenny.
That night, Penhall and Hoffs show up at Jermaine’s door looking to score an ‘eight track.’ Hoffs gains entrance but ‘Gray Boy’ Penhall has to stay outside. Reverse racism, y’all. It ain’t pretty.
They make the deal, but Jermaine ain’t no dummy. He finds Hoffs’ wire and all hell breaks loose. Penhall charges in, guns a’blazing and Jenko, being the bad-ass he is, smashes his hippie bus straight into Jermaine’s auto shop.
Ray Ray shoots at Jenko, causing a diversion and Jermaine flees, only to end up on the hood of Hanson’s Mustang. The perp flees again, this time with Hanson hot on his heels. Hanson finally catches up with Jermaine at a subway station and the two scuffle. Damn due process. If Hanson didn’t have to waste him time Mirandizing the guy, this never would have happened.
Finally, Hanson gets the upper hand and growls out, “You’re under arrest….Tyrell.” Not gonna lie, it’s kinda hot.
Kenny is released from the hospital where apparently he also got a douche-ectomy because he’s like, 47% less of an asshole than when he was admitted.
Waiting for him outside the hospital? A mousse-free Tom Hanson.
It’s a good look. Hanson and Kenny part as friends and all is well in the suburbs once more.
The episode ends with Hanson heading over to Jenko’s to debrief…and by debrief, he means jam out on his sax with Jenko’s band — finally a fully-fledged member of the Jump Street Crew.
All in all, a decent pilot. It’s undeniably dated but so much fun. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the season brings. Also? Great message for the kids:
If it says it on a t-shirt, it must be true.