All My Life I’ve Looked at Words as Though I Were Seeing Them for the First Time Or, Smart Girls Have More Fun

This is Max from Happy Endings (a show you should be watching).

maxbear

In the winter, Max basically hibernates to the point where he takes on the characteristics of the most frightening mammal in the animal kingdom – a bear.

Yesterday, my sister texted me to tell me that The West Wing is now on Netflix.

That being the case, I’m basically pulling a Max and spending the rest of this winter underneath the covers with the Bartlet Administration (my beard will probably be a little thicker, though…)

I love The West Wing for all sorts of reasons – the walk-and-talks, the fact that the show’s politics align pretty closely to mine, the staggering crush I have on Bradley Whitford/Josh Lyman (yes, I realize he’s 53 and that’s a little weird but watch this and tell me he’s not the coolest guy ever) as well as the rest of the cast who are pitch-perfect, but the primary reason I love this show with a fierce and intractable passion is because I love words and Aaron Sorkin writes some solid fucking oratory.

My own vernacular is wet garbage during a heatwave. Peppered with ‘ums’ and ‘uhhhhs’ and ‘dudes’ and ‘bros’ and just barely cogent asshattery that makes people wonder, “You grew up in England? Where they speak English?”

But Sorkin (and by extension, his characters) speak with the kind of bluster and bombast that no-one uses in real life.

When was the last time you heard someone quote Lincoln’s first inaugural address as trash talk during a basketball game or curse out his creator in Latin?

I’m guessing never because why would you bother with oratory when you can just hiss the word, ‘asshole’ and call it a day, right?

One of my 30 Before 30 Goals was to read Shakespeare’s comedies, tragedies and histories (so far, I’ve purchased a cheap copy of the bard’s collected works and I’ve read Hamlet).

I chose this lofty goal because I call myself a writer (which is akin to someone who subsists on a diet of instant noodles referring to themselves as a chef) and I feel as a writer, I’m obligated to be familiar with his works. Actually, I feel as a human being, I’m obligated to be familiar with his major works. Another reason I decided to do this is because I felt reading Shakespeare would give me a better insight into the human condition because let’s face it, he kinda covered the entire spectrum of humanity in his work – jealousy, lust, love, passion, madness, anger, ambition, greed, life and death.

But mostly, I wanted to read all of Shakespeare’s works because I watched CJ Cregg effortlessly quote Julius Caesar and the eloquence of that moment floored me.

I want to be that erudite and well-spoken. I want to be that well-versed in literature and most of all, I wanna be smart because as Aaron Sorkin told his daughter when he won the Oscar for The Social Network – smart girls have more fun and honey, you’re one of them.

We Few, We Happy Few Or, DND This Weekend, Dudes

So, this is happening.

If you see me within the next couple of weeks and I have this idiotic grin on my face (well, more so than usual) – it’s because I have watched the following repeatedly on a big screen:

What? Seriously, what? Like, how is this even a real thing in this world? The first time I saw this, I pretty much had a heart attack and couldn’t form cohesive words or thoughts for like, fifteen minutes.

And then, there’s this:

Dear God, this man is a walking Prince song.

In addition to Livingston, the rest of the cast is pretty phenomenal too:

Tom Hanks – He co-produced the series with some dude named Steven Spielberg – I don’t know who that kid is, but the name sounds vaguely familiar.
Michael Fassbender – Everyone wants on this dude’s jock. Even George Clooney.
Donnie Wahlberg – Shut up. He was awesome in The Sixth Sense.
James McAvoy – He played Professor X in X-Men: First Class. Not a patch on Patrick Stewart but who is?
and Neal McDonough – Dudes, are you watching Justified? You really need to be watching this show. It’s phenomenal. Hands down, my favorite show on television. Smart, well-written, complicated and well-acted. Oh and goddamn if McDonough didn’t kill it last season as Robert Quarles – the sociopath with a “big, stupid baby head.” Watch Justified. Seriously. Just drop whatever nonsense it is that you’re doing and just pop in the first episode. You’ll be hooked. Promise.

So DND, dudes – Do Not Disturb.

Unless you’re bringing over pizza and gin. That would be fine.

Just, y’know – shhhh. Trying to watch something over here.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose Or, Friday Night Lights Is My New Favorite Thing

Me: I have this idea. I’m going to move to Texas, marry the coach of a high school football team and call people ‘shug.’
Biffle: Stop watching Friday Night Lights.
Me: I will NEVER stop watching Friday Night Lights. It’s so good, dude! So good. I’m moving to Texas.
Biffle: Obvious issues with that idea aside, let me remind you that George Bush is from Texas.
Me: Lies. He’s from Connecticut.
Biffle: Fine. You know who else is from Texas?
Me: Stevie Ray Vaughan?
Biffle: Rick Perry.
Me: I hate you.

Friday Night Lights has become my new favorite thing. In three days, I watched seventeen episodes (don’t judge – it was snowing) and I’m hooked.

Initially, I was reluctant because I assumed the show would be nothing more than a tired rehash of Varsity Blues – a movie that I loved at 15 but makes me cringe as an adult (“Ah dawn’t wawnt yur laife”) – but it’s actually a well-written, sublimely performed and realistic look at American life.

I love the game scenes and find myself cheering for the Dillon Panthers with the kind of zeal usually reserved for the Miami Dolphins. Well, minus the bitterness and barrage of four-letter words.

And then, there’s Coach Taylor. He’s the kind of mentor everyone needs in their life – he’s got a strong moral center, he’s compassionate and he believes in you the way you want to believe in yourself. Also, really good-looking.

See? Kyle Chandler, how are you even real?

Usually, I’m a great person to watch TV and movies with but this show? No. Definitely something I should watch solo because I get all riled up and start yelling at the TV.

I’m not talking about cheering when Smash runs the ball in for a touchdown. I sit on my couch and yell things like, “Ugh! I hate you, Voodoo! HATE! You don’t call the plays!” and “Awww, Landry, you’re my favorite! You look like a tiny Matt Damon!”

The whole series is available on Netflix Streaming and if you haven’t already, you should definitely check it out.

And if you don’t mind spending quality time with a girl who yells at the TV, I will totally watch with you.

You bring the beer, I’ll make the nachos.

Basic Knowledge About Basic Cable Or, Routinely Making An Ass Of Myself Since 1983

Me: Oh! You know what I’ve just gotten into that’s awesome?
My Sister: What?
Me: Southland.
My Sister: God, you talk about that show all the time!
Me: No, I don’t! I talk about Fitz and Buchanan.
My Sister: What? That’s not a thing.
Me: Franklin and Bash. I talk about Franklin and Bash.

TNT knows drama.
I do not.
Obviously.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge – Battle of the Exes Or, The Triumphant Return of The Recapstasy!

It was bound to happen sometime.

With all the hooking up that goes on during the show, some lightbulb at MTV had a Eureka moment and blurted out, “Dude bros! You know what would be like, Bible bad-ass? Like, getting together all the exes for a Challenge? Amirite? Yeahhhh.”

And out of this spark, the newest incarnation of Real World/Road Rules Challenge was born.

This season features thirteen ex-couples all vying for big money. Let’s do a quick rundown to refamiliarize you with the cast members, shall we?

Abram and Cara Maria

Abram smears poop on walls (Google it).
Cara Maria likes ponies and has a lot of feelings.

CT and Diem

CT would punch through your solar plexus if you scuffed his sneaker. Yeah, he’s calmed down a little but I wouldn’t put it past him to murder my cat.
Diem had cancer but it’s in remission now.

Dunbar and Paula

Dunbar was in a porn (Google it)
Paula finally won a Challenge last season.

Dustin and Heather

Dustin is a gay-for-pay homophobe (Google it).
Heather is blonde and sprite-like.

Johnny and Camila

Bananas is the worst person ever.
Camila went to the Gulag a lot.

Leroy and Naomi

Leroy is the only likeable member of the cast.
Much to my irritation, Naomi says things like, “I don’t drive cars; I drive boys.”

Mark and Robin

I’m pretty sure Mark is an AARP member.
Robin is an asshole when she drinks.

Nate and Priscilla

All I know about these two bananaheads is that they’re from The Real World: San Diego.

Rachel and Aneesa

Rachel is one of the OG Mean Girls. She and Veronica engaged in some hardcore emotional terrorism anytime they got together.
Aneesa used to wander around the Chicago house naked.

Ty and Emily

Ty has anger issues and once tossed a roommate off a balcony.
Emily was on Road Rules with Timmy way back in 1996. No. No, she wasn’t. My sister says this is Emily from the DC season. Apparently, this chick was raised in a cult and digs on yoga.

Tyrie and Jasmine

Tyrie likes to fight.
Jasmine likes to fight.

Vinny and Sarah

Vinny looks like he belongs on Jersey Shore.
Sarah has tattoos and once, had a really ill-conceived crush on Mr. Beautiful.

Wes and Mandi

Wes is a little red-headed bitch who cries like an infant and has to be carried up mountains. Also, dude looks like wet pizza dough (according to the brilliant Figgy of Pajiba fame)
Mandi looks like pre-plastic surgery Heidi Montag and has interminably bad taste in men. She also had a thing for CT. Ew, Mandi. Ew.

After looking over this list, you will realize that there are a couple of glaring omissions:

Rachel and Sean – What? Now that you’re involved in civic life, you’re too good for reality television? You know, maybe if you competed in a challenge, you’d make a little cash. After all, in your world – six figures might as well be the bread line.

Trishelle and Stephen – Oh, the hot messery. Also, does anyone else think Stephen looks like Ryan Reynolds’ non-union body double?

Coral and Abram – Why do women want to get with this lunkhead? I care not for him – I just want my girl Coral back. She doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up!

And the most glaring omission of all – Wes/Johanna/Kenny.

Yes, it would be an unfair advantage as this team has three players as opposed to two but imagine the possibilities!

Every week, these three knuckleheads get together and decide who’ll jump into The Dome. Then, they learn what the mission is and vicious in-fighting ensues.

Also, the hatred simmering between Wes and Mr. Beautiful is probably at an all-time high, so I’m relatively certain someone would wake up with a live viper in their bed which would make for quality programming.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Exes starts up at 10:00 pm on January 22 and the Recapstasy will be back in full effect.

I’m trying to set up a fantasy league for the show so if anyone has any idea how to pull off such a coup, please let me know.

Winner gets bragging rights, hugs and a handcrafted mix CD.

John Stamos Ruined Goat Cheese For Me Or, My Parents Shouldn’t Have Let Me Watch So Much TV As A Kid

I have a bone to pick with Full House.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “The adorable, saccharine-sweet TGIF show about a widowed father raising three daughters with his brother-in-law and best friend? How could you possibly have a bone to pick with that show? Yeah, it was a little glurgey and Michelle was a brat, but come on! What kind of black-hearted wretch hates Full House?”

Allow me to explain.

In the Kissing Cousins episode, Uncle Jesse’s cousin Stavros (played in a dual role by John Stamos – oh, the magic of television!) comes to visit the Tanners.

Stavros is from Greece and basically serves as a massive stereotype of Mediterraneans. He’s rips off Joey (but Joey sucked so I don’t really care about that. Come on, dudes. He was a grown man with a cartoon fetish and a woodchuck puppet. It’s creepy, right?), he hits on Rebecca, he docks Danny with a $65 parking ticket, he has greasy hair and he eats weird food.

Like Goat Cheese and Lamb Pizza.

The Tanners react like a family who routinely eschew deliciousness in favor of things like Cheese Donuts — with revulsion.

Goat cheese! Ew! What kind of freak eats cheese from goats? Gross! Smelly! Things that are different are bad!

And thus, the insidious poison was planted. As far as I was concerned — goat cheese was for jerks.

Well, I’m happy to report that 28-year-old Jaime is a goat cheese seeking missile.

I will clamber over the bodies of the damned to get at some goat cheese (Augs’ mom made this amazing penne with roasted butternut squash and goat cheese and it was one of the most glorious things I’ve ever eaten. I ate it cold the next day and it was still good).

BUT for years, I missed out on its glory because of Full House.

Do you know how much goat cheese I could have eaten during those formative years? Enough to build a bridge between San Francisco and Athens!

I demand reparations for this and Stamos, I’m calling you out.

I’m willing to make peace, though (I’m not completely irrational, as I’m sure is evident by this post) — so, you bring the goat cheese pizza, I bring the Mythos Beer and we consider your egregious sin absolved. Sound like a plan?

P.S. — I wrote the word ‘goat’ too many times in this post and now, it looks funny. Does that ever happen to you?

Real World/Road Rules: The Rivals Recaptasy Or, Huh. This Sounds Like A Portmanteau of Rapture and Apostasy…

I’ve been wanting to a fantasy league for this show FOREVER and because I’m surrounded by charlatans and jerkfaces (read: people with real jobs and responsibilities), no-one will do it with me.

So I’m combining my Real World/Road Rules Challenge Recaps with my own fantasy picks and in doing so, introducing a new element to the blog — Real World/Road Rules Recapstasy!

I’ve picked seven contestants and every week, I’ll be tallying up how many points I’ve accrued thanks to the helpful scoring system created by reality television czar, Dave Jacoby.

Without further ado, let me introduce my starting lineup – Team Crucio (because you know these dudes would if they could)

1. Kenny

Rookie Season: Fresh Meat
Known For: Sleeping with Wes’ ex, Johanna
Strengths: Pissing off Wes
Weaknesses: I kinda hate myself for thinking he’s attractive. Yeah, this doesn’t have anything to do with his performance, but it’s true nonetheless.
Challenges Won: 3

2. Tyler

Rookie Season: The Real World: Key West
Best Known For: Being the only castmember who can solve a puzzle without breaking into a cold sweat.
Strengths: World-class swimmer. Seriously, dude is like Aquaman.
Weaknesses: None that I can fathom. Tyler’s a serious competitor and knows how to play “The Game.”
Challenges Won: 1

3. Adam R

Rookie Season: The Real World: Las Vegas
Best Known For: Getting kicked off his season
Strengths: Total sociopath
Weaknesses: Total sociopath
Challenges Won: 0 (Rookie)

4. Jenn

Rookie Season: The Real World: Denver
Best Known For: Pitching a drink in Mandy’s face
Strengths: Has appeared on five Challenges and knows how to play The Game instead of The Game playing her.
Weaknesses: Being an Oakland Raiderette. The Raiders suck.
Challenges Won: 0

5. Johnny Bananas

Rookie Season: The Real World: Key West
Best Known For: Getting straight up housed by CT in a surprise Gauntlet. Dude looked like a rag doll.
Strengths: Being a misogynistic bag of dicks. In the real world, this is a detriment but in The Real World? This means plenty o’ points.
Weaknesses: I’m like, 63% certain that Evie will shank him within the first five minutes and you can’t put points on the board if you’re bleeding internally.
Challenges Won: 3

6. Cara Maria

Rookie Season: Fresh Meat: II
Best Known For: Hooking up with Abram and having weird, body-paint-animal-noises sex with him. Ew.
Strengths: She incites (justifiable) rage in pretty much everyone. That’s gonna put points up on the board.
Weaknesses: She sucks. What? She does.
Challenges Won: 0

7. CT

Rookie Season: The Real World: Paris
Best Known For: Beating the shit out of every carbon-based lifeform he comes across.
Strengths: Cast member most likely to bludgeon someone to a bloody death. That’s like, 56,000 points.
Weaknesses: None. CT is the Chuck Norris of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Challenges Won: 0

I can’t wait until Wednesday night. Anyone wanna take odds on how long it takes Adam to get punted from this cast? I’m gonna say three episodes.

I’m Gonna Stop Being Polite and Start Getting Real About The Real World Or, Man, These Guys Are Dillholes…

Like many of my peers growing up in the 90s/00s, I thought being a cast member on The Real World would be the coolest thing ever (also cool: plaid pants, body glitter and pink hair a la Return of Saturn era Gwen Stefani).

You get to live in a lush pad in an amazing city with a bunch of really attractive people (to this day, I still have a thing for David from the Seattle season). Which fifteen-year-old wouldn’t find that appealing?

However, as an adult — you realize that the whole concept is essentially hell on earth and that if you have any shred of sanity, you’d much rather be torn limb from limb by ravening wolves than be stuck in this situation.

YES, The house is gorgeous, BUT within 24 hours, it basically degrades into an Omega Theta Pi party meets Thunderdome.
YES, The city is amazing BUT nobody ever seems to explore it. Instead, they hang out in skeezy clubs and bars located within a five-mile radius of the house.
YES, The roommates are attractive in that freshly-scrubbed kind of way BUT they are all either rife with social disease, irascible chowderheads or have so many issues, Oedipus would look sane by comparison.

And I swear, it gets worse and worse every year. For the 2011 season set at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Vegas, MTV amped up the crazy by casting the following:

Adam: Jailbird Drug Dealer who is one part football hooligan, one part one-man wrecking crew and all parts asshole.
Dustin (Zito): Gay-For-Pay Homophobe who once earned his ducats by appearing in hot guy-on-guy action online.
Heather: Blonde Pixie who starts dating GFPH as soon as she sees him only to freak out when she finds out about his past.
Mike: Nerdy Southern Guy who’s way less religious than Jon from Season 2 and one of the two remotely sane people in the house.
Leroy: Token Black Guy who loves the ladies and the other of the two remotely sane people in the house.
Nany: Fiesty Latina #1 who falls for Jaily McSmashSmash and has a history being involved in abusive relationships.
Naomi: Fiesty Latina #2 who says things like, “I’m from New York. I don’t drive cars; I drive boys.” What the hell does that even mean? You drive boys to do what? Leap in front of the 6 Train because of your stupid bon mots?
Cooke: New Girl who shows up to replace Jaily McSmashSmash when his dumb ass gets punted for destroying hotel property.

Of course, I’m hooked because I love things that are terrible. The only thing I love more than things that are terrible is complaining about things that are terrible. Like so:

Jaime: Zito’s a dillhole. Also, I never want to drink Sun Drop. Ever.*
My Sister: Me neither.
Jaime: Also, Adam+Nany is the worst thing humanity has ever produced.
My Sister: I hate Adam more than I hate plagues of locusts.

Biblical rage is the only acceptable reaction to this show.

That being said, I will definitely be watching next week when Adam returns to the Strip to drink, brawl, sleep with Nany and basically prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that reality television stars are nothing more than a virus with designer shoes..

* Promotional consideration for The Real World is brought to you by Sun Drop. We failed with Fresca, Squirt, Mello Yello, Surge and Vault but figure people will still be stupid enough to purchase this carbonated crap that looks and tastes like radioactive urine.

21 Jump Street, Part II – Season 1, Episode 2

And we’re back!

Welcome to the recap of the second half of the 21 Jump Street premiere.

You can read the first half here, or we can just skip to Cliff Notes:

– Officer Tom Hanson has just joined Jump Street – a program where babyfaced police officers go undercover to investigate criminal activity among teens. Rounding out the Jump Street Crew — Captain Jenko and officers Penhall, Ioki and Hoffs.

– Hanson gets assigned to Amherst High where he’ll play a disciplinary transfer named Tom Bauer. Also matriculating at Amherst? Suburbanite shitbag Kenny who’s six large into a drug dealer and Tyrell, aforementioned drug dealer who has a penchant for dressing like Michael Jackson circa Beat It.

We all caught up? Let’s get started.

The show opens with Jenko, Penhall and Ioki playing some sort of slo-mo football/frisbee hybrid at Jump Street. Hanson, square that he is, interrupts by walking in and insisting on debriefing.

Jenko says he hates debriefing because, “it sounds Republican or something…” to which Tom expresses his party affiliation. Of course he is. Because Republicans are squares and that’s what the liberal Hollywood media want you to believe.

Jenko relents and calls the officers to order. Ioki talks about making a drug bust and when he balks at sharing the collar with Hoffs, she calls him ‘Tojo.’? Really guys? Tojo? We weren’t past this in the late 80s?

Ioki and Hanson pair up on stakeout detail. It’s not long before they see Kenny leave his house.

And start tailing him on his paper route/smash and grab tour of the ‘burbs. Some fancy driving ensues and Kenny does a pretty decent job avoiding the pair on his scooter. Unfortunately, the whole thing goes to pot when Kenny gets away and Ioki and Hanson are stopped by a squad car.

It’s OK. We’re cops. See? Of course, the uniform busting Hanson? His former partner, Officer Morty Seinfeld. Who didn’t see that one coming?

Cut to English class where Hanson gets busted for passing notes and his “wise mouth.” As punishment, Evil English Teacher Mr. Land strong-arms Hanson into joining the drama club production of Rip Van Winkle. This is going to end well.

Post-class, Hanson’s note-passing partner in crime is babbling about her loose sexual mores and herpes. Hanson’s looking for a way out of this increasingly uncomfortable situation and he spots Kenny sauntering down the halls. He needs to hide. Quick. So, he does what any upstanding officer of the law would do in his position.

Make out with the annoying slutty girl closest to you. Hey, it’s a public high school. You can’t swing a cat….

(Sidebar: You know that smooching Johnny Depp was the apex of this girl’s life)

Post minor-altercation with Annoying Slutty Girl’s boyfriend (of course she has a boyfriend! She puts out), Hanson heads to the theater where Mr. Land pairs him up with Kenny of Smash and Grab fame. Typical teenager that he is, Kenny is totally oblivious and thinks Hanson used to date his sister. Close, but no cigar. Idiot.

ASG greets Hanson in the hall again and he lets her down gently…but saying he’s a carrier of herpes. “Wounded in action in the sexual revolution.”

To which I respond, “Honey, get yourself some Valtrex and have at it.”

Hanson walks out to the parking lot to discover Kenny being accosted by Jermaine.

Jermaine whips out a knife and starts circling Hanson. Dude, seriously — chill on the whole emulating Michael Jackson thing. You’ll thank me in 1993. Trust me.

Their little Beat It pow-wow is broken up by Coach Schaeffer who warns Hanson not to pull Waxer (Jermaine) off-sides because he’s a killer. We get it, writers. He’s a coach. He likes sports metaphors.

Cut to: Kenny walking into an auto shop where Jermaine and Ray-Ray have just finished chopping the family Jag. Kenny hands over a bookbag filled with ‘hot’ merch and is told that no matter what he does, he can never get even.

Later that night, Stakeout Partners Ioki and Hanson follow Jermaine from his dump of a home to a swanky restaurant populated by champagne-sipping broads in furs. Jermaine seems pretty at home with the 401K crowd and while he’s meeting with a balding, bearded heavy — Hanson flashes his badge to get a Bud Lite. Really, dude? You’re abusing the badge for a Bud Light? At least get a rye on the rocks or a gin and ginger or something.

Jermaine and Beardo Baldy leave with Ioki and Hanson hot on their respective trails. Hanson, genius that he is, commandeers a cab driven by someone who went to the Lindsay Lohan Driving School and they end up smashing directly into Jermaine’s Porsche. Jermaine sees Hanson in the backseat, pulls out his gat and shoots, missing Hanson but shattering the back window. He gets back into his car and speeds off, leaving Hanson and the cabbie stranded and steaming at the intersection. In a battle between Porsche and yellow cab, there’s no way the Porsche would win. The cab would, to quote the ineffable Dr. Emmett Brown, “rip through them like tin foil.”

Jermaine shows up while Kenny is dumpster-diving and gives him a speedball. Yeah kid — go ahead. Get embroiled with the same stuff that killed Belushi. Great idea.

Monumental moron that he is, Kenny decides there’s no better place to strap up and get high than the school locker room.

The idiot passes out in the shower, Hanson finds him and calls the paramedics while on the other side of town, Jenko and Ioki burst into Beardo Baldy’s place and Jenko practices a little of that sweet, sweet police brutality.

Kenny ends up in the hospital, Beardo Baldy ends up in jail and Officer Hoffs delivers this particularly pithy bit of advice, “You can bust all the dealers you want but you’ve gotta bust the jones.”

Kenny’s parents are at his bedside, mollycoddling him about how they feel responsible and how they’re sorry and in typical shitbag fashion, Kenny responds with, “It’s got more to do with who’s cool than what parents you got stuck with.” At this point, I find myself feverishly hoping dude goes down the same path Jared Leto did in Requiem for a Dream.

Officer Hanson shows up and cops up to, well being a cop and I learn all sorts of drug terminology — “Ten CCs of China White! Speedballing with pure flake!”

Kenny’s shitbaggery may fly with his parents, but Officer Thomas Hanson don’t take no crap. So, he slaps Kenny.

Twice.

That night, Penhall and Hoffs show up at Jermaine’s door looking to score an ‘eight track.’ Hoffs gains entrance but ‘Gray Boy’ Penhall has to stay outside. Reverse racism, y’all. It ain’t pretty.

They make the deal, but Jermaine ain’t no dummy. He finds Hoffs’ wire and all hell breaks loose. Penhall charges in, guns a’blazing and Jenko, being the bad-ass he is, smashes his hippie bus straight into Jermaine’s auto shop.

Ray Ray shoots at Jenko, causing a diversion and Jermaine flees, only to end up on the hood of Hanson’s Mustang. The perp flees again, this time with Hanson hot on his heels. Hanson finally catches up with Jermaine at a subway station and the two scuffle. Damn due process. If Hanson didn’t have to waste him time Mirandizing the guy, this never would have happened.

Finally, Hanson gets the upper hand and growls out, “You’re under arrest….Tyrell.” Not gonna lie, it’s kinda hot.

Kenny is released from the hospital where apparently he also got a douche-ectomy because he’s like, 47% less of an asshole than when he was admitted.

Waiting for him outside the hospital? A mousse-free Tom Hanson.

It’s a good look. Hanson and Kenny part as friends and all is well in the suburbs once more.

The episode ends with Hanson heading over to Jenko’s to debrief…and by debrief, he means jam out on his sax with Jenko’s band — finally a fully-fledged member of the Jump Street Crew.

All in all, a decent pilot. It’s undeniably dated but so much fun. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the season brings. Also? Great message for the kids:

If it says it on a t-shirt, it must be true.

It’s Been A Summer, Or Summer 2010 – A Recap

Happy (almost) Labor Day! It’s the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall.

Bloggers across the country seem stoked about this — the Pumpkin Spice Latte makes a triumphant return at Starbucks, the weather starts getting nippier, hoodies are pulled out from hibernation and everyone’s all in a tizz about seeing the colors change.

Everyone except for me. ‘Cause you know what? I hate fall.

Fine, Fine. I don’t hate fall. I mean, apple cider is delicious, I am all about the start of fall television and Thanksgiving? My favorite holiday ever (Let’s get together every year and eat tons of carbs? Give me the address and do you like cornbread?) but fall means cold weather and as a girl raised in South Florida, I’m a firm believer than anything below 65 is essentially inhospitable for human life (Esteban – I’m right there with you, brother).

Cold weather is awful. Your skin gets dry and ashy, your hair gets staticky, your lips get chapped, you have to wear multiple layers of clothing and you can no longer sit outside with a good book, close your eyes towards the sun and think that all is good in your life. And the produce sucks. You know how hard is it to find cheap mangos, raspberries and avocado in winter? Oh and you can’t wear flip-flops everywhere. What the hell’s that all about?

Yes, summer can be unbearably hot and you spend your time battling mosquitos, sweat and frizzy hair but I feel like I accomplish more in the summer. That being said, here’s a recap of Summer 2010:

Life:

– I’m still an Office Gal Friday, squirreling away those ducats to get to L.A. We moved offices and now, my life is filled with free Wawa coffee. In comparison to the non-potable dreck at my last office, it’s like drinking 90 proof Ambrosia.

– Wedding plans are still on indefinite hiatus. If we spend the cash we have now, we could probably afford to throw a small affair but you know what? There are smarter ways to spend that money than on an open bar and flowers – like a down payment for a house, moving cross country or buying a really expensive but really comfortable couch.

– I learned a valuable lesson in couch shopping. If you see it and fall in love with it, buy it immediately. Otherwise, you’ll go back to Macy’s, learn that the couch has not only been sold but the model has been discontinued and pout for the remainder of the evening. And by evening, I mean your entire life.

– I also (finally) learned how to apply liquid eyeliner. Granted, it’s the idiot-proof kind that resembles a Sharpie but hey – baby steps.

– I belly-flopped onto asphalt while walking Ryely, resulting in a bloody nose, a scraped-up arm and a seriously wicked bruised knee.

Pop Culture:

Movies: Like everyone else in the Northern hemisphere, my two favorite movies of the summer were Inception and Toy Story 3. I also loved Never Sleep Again, a six hour documentary about the Nightmare on Elm Street series that Augs and I watch in one sitting.

I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona way too many times this summer and decided that I need to reconfigure my life so that I’m an upper class New Yorker who gets to run away to Spain. I’ll keep you posted and let you know how that turns out.

Books: I’m in the process of reading A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn and have come the conclusion that I was gypped in AP US History. I bought Talking to Girls About Duran Duran: One Man’s Quest for True Love and a Cooler Haircut by Rob Sheffield and loved it. It’s not nearly as devastating as Love is a Mixtape, but great writing nonetheless. Also highly recommended — The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. Especially if you dig comic books in any capacity. I also read Wicked by Gregory Maguire. I wasn’t a huge fan, but it was a decent read. Do love the music from the Broadway show, though — Defying Gravity is a great song.

Music: It’s been all about The Gaslight Anthem, Big Star, Girl Talk, Chet Baker, the music from Once Again With Feeling and Tangerine by Led Zeppelin.

Television: I rediscovered Veronica Mars and you know what? If you consider yourself to have good taste in television and haven’t seen this show — you really need to do so.

I’ve also been on a pretty serious Joss Whedon kick lately. I finally saw Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog (loved it), read the script to Cabin In The Woods (what the what, Hollywood? Get your shit together and release this already!), have been watching Angel on TNT while getting ready for work in the mornings (so much better than watching those chuckleheads on Fox and Friends or Morning Joe on MSNBC — watching Mika and Joe is like going out to dinner with a couple on the verge of a really messy divorce) and I’ve been watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer in reverse order (season seven down to season one). I’m currently on Season Four and I love it more now than I did back when it was on television. Whedon really is a master of his craft and if I ever become a gazillionaire, one of my top priorities will be to fund everything he wants to do.

I watched one episode of The Wire and I wasn’t blown away. I get the feeling the show is a rolling boil and I need to stick with it before making any judgment calls.

Watched the first four episodes of Breaking Bad. So far, I love it and can’t wait to see how the rest of the show turns out. Also, Pinkman’s answering phone message? High comedy.

I’ve been touch-and-go about True Blood this season. Alcide is a welcome addition to the cast, but I wish they’d get back to storylines revolving around vampires interacting with the real world. The storyline involving the Fellowship of the Sun was awesome and I’d love to see more vampire politics butting up against human politics. Sam Trammell is one of the major reasons I’m still watching. That man makes a girl weak at the knees.

See? Long cool drink of water, that guy.

Travel:

– Augs and I went to New York City for the Lost Weekend. I sat mere feet from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, Michael Emerson and Jorge Garcia, saw a clip of the finale before anyone else, was interviewed for a Lost podcast, engaged in some eye flirting with Damon (dudes, he was totally looking at me), wandered around the Village and decided I wanted to move there, ate the best burgers (New York Burger Company needs to overthrow McDonalds in a bloodless coup and reign supreme for the next millennium), haggled for a purse, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, hung out with good friends and fell even more in love with the city so nice, they named it twice.

– I spent a week in West Palm Beach for quality time with the family. I ate entirely too much, watched the World Cup every day, took pictures, enjoyed being home and realized that I should totally live with my sister because she is awesome.

– Finally, Augs and I spent our anniversary in the namesake of my favorite Springsteen song – Atlantic City. Great song, less-than-stellar experience. My advice? Save your ducats and head to Vegas instead.

Food:

A delivery guy once told me, I am a, “fat girl in a little girl’s body.” He wasn’t wrong.

Gastronomic Discoveries:

+ Cold-brewed French Press iced coffee. I drank enough to induce cardiac arrest…in a mastodon.

+ Huevos Rancheros at Jones. The hell with cheesesteaks and soft pretzels. THIS is why the hungry masses should come to Philly. I want Stephen Starr and Jose Garces to form a domestic partnership and invite me over to their love nest every week for Sunday Dinner. That would be fabulous.

+ Vinho verde — a light, fresh Portuguese wine that’s perfect for dining al fresco on a balmy summer evening.

+ Maoz. I could easily eat myself into a coma here. Every corner needs a fast food falafel joint like this.

+ Mack and Manco’s. If you live in the Mid-Atlantic and have ever gone ‘Down Da Shore’, you’ll understand the cult appeal of this pizza. Especially if you spent the summer eating crappy pizza and ranting about it. I ate half the slice in one bite. I assume this is because it was delicious and I am awesome.

+I’ve also been eating lots of Caprese-inspired dishes (I take tomatoes, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, mozzarella cheese and basil and combined it with a carb. Usually pasta or bread. Once or twice, I used croutons. Don’t judge) and a ridiculous amount of homemade popcorn. Here’s the best way to make it:

3 tablespoons oil
1/3 cup popcorn kernels (I prefer white over yellow)
Salt
Brown Sugar
Cumin seeds
Cayenne pepper

Crank your burner way the eff up to heat the oil.
After a few minutes, add cumin seeds. They should sizzle and sputter upon impact.
Wait about two minutes and add the popcorn kernels.
Make sure all the kernels are coated with oil. Sprinkle with salt and brown sugar, cover with lid and shake.
Turn heat down to medium low and wait for the popping to stop. You’ve got to watch it like a hawk because otherwise, it will burn and then, your apartment will smell like dying.
Dump out into a serving bowl and sprinkle with cayenne.
Eat by the fistful while watching TV on DVD.

It’s been a pretty good and productive summer. Got a little traveling in, got a lot of eating in and spent plenty of time outside, breathing in the daylight. It was pretty perfect and while I’m reluctant to let go, I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2010 has in store (but if it’s bitterly cold weather and SnOMG: The Redux? You can keep it. Seriously. Living on Hoth? Not cute and I’m well over it).