It’s been over a year so once again, I’m carefully peeling back the laminate and updating the list.
There have been some changes over the past year and I was actually sad to see a couple of contenders go. I love Bradley Whitford and will always want to bring him the finest muffins and bagels in all the land, but this year – he didn’t make the list. However, if he ends up playing a Lyman-esque character on The Newsroom – dude is number two with a bullet again.
I was also sad to see Dave Grohl go, but I realized this year that I don’t want to be his girlfriend so much as I want to hang out with him, eat pizza and geek out about music.
Tim Riggins almost made the cut, but then I realized Tim Riggins is a fictional character and the odds of meeting him and making him fall in love with me are pretty slim, so y’know, probably a bad idea to put him on the list.
We should look at a picture of him anyway, though.
Yeah. I could handle two-a-days with Threes.
Let’s peel back the laminate and get to the list. Straight women and gay men — you’re welcome.
5. Jeremy Renner
Age: 41
Why He Makes The Cut: His arms and his butt. Dudes, Dana sent me this picture today and my response was, “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL HUMAN PEOPLE.” I am shallow and good arms are my new favorite thing. I’m pretty sure that when Jeremy Renner wears a form-fitting t-shirt, he’s doing his part to make humanity better.
4. Timothy Olyphant
Age: 44
Why He Makes The Cut: He’s Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens. That says it all. He’s the coolest man to wear a cowboy hat since James Dean in Giant and Justified is the only show on television I must watch live. I once made a cup of coffee at 10:30pm so I could stay up and finish the episode.
Olyphant is gorgeous, talented, has a great accent he uses to delivers some fan-fucking-tastic lines (“Me and dead owls. Don’t give a hoot”) and basically, he’s so cool, he’s so cool, he’s so cool.
3. Brian Fallon
Age: 32
Why He Makes The Cut: Oh, what’s that, Brian Fallon? You wear Chucks, have cool tattoos, play guitar, are gonna write me a song where you call me ‘honey’ and whisper lyrics a little bit and Bruce Springsteen’s a fan of your music? Yeah — so here’s my social security number, all my bank information, keys to everything ever and oh yeah, my heart. Just go right ahead and take ’em.
2. Joseph Gordon Levitt
Age: 32
Why He Makes The Cut: I’ve had a crush on this guy since he was Cameron in 10 Things I Hate About You. Of course, he’s really good-looking (he’s got the sweetest crinkly smile) but more so than that – he’s interesting. He sings, acts, plays guitar and creates collaborative art. I’m a sucker for a man who can tell a story and I feel like JGL’s got a whole novel of ’em in him.
1. Ron Livingston
Age: 45
Why He Makes The Cut: You would think after a solid fifteen years, my crush would wane a little. Nope! Livingston is still the most gorgeous specimen humanity has ever produced. Think about how many people have ever lived. Ron Livingston is better-looking than all of them…except maybe Paul Newman.
I finally watched Band of Brothers this year and realized three things:
A) It’s a phenomenal series and I’ve never gotten so emotionally attached to a group of characters so quickly (as much as I loved Nix, my favorite character was Roe).
B) No-one should watch a Ron Livingston project with me because I cannot go more than three minutes without making some sort of exclamation/incredibly filthy comment. I know. I know. I should be ashamed but I’m not (sorry Mrs. Livingston. Your husband is really good-looking).
C) Ron Livingston’s video diary just heightened my crush. He’s just so charming. The man is funny and sweet and I am so glad I will never, ever meet him because doing so would turn me into a babbling idiot…who would quite possibly have some sort of massive coronary.
So, those are the men on my list. The 2012 All Stars.
Who’s on your list?