Peeling Back The Laminate Or, The Boys Are Back In Town

It’s been over a year so once again, I’m carefully peeling back the laminate and updating the list.

There have been some changes over the past year and I was actually sad to see a couple of contenders go. I love Bradley Whitford and will always want to bring him the finest muffins and bagels in all the land, but this year – he didn’t make the list. However, if he ends up playing a Lyman-esque character on The Newsroom – dude is number two with a bullet again.

I was also sad to see Dave Grohl go, but I realized this year that I don’t want to be his girlfriend so much as I want to hang out with him, eat pizza and geek out about music.

Tim Riggins almost made the cut, but then I realized Tim Riggins is a fictional character and the odds of meeting him and making him fall in love with me are pretty slim, so y’know, probably a bad idea to put him on the list.

We should look at a picture of him anyway, though.

Yeah. I could handle two-a-days with Threes.

Let’s peel back the laminate and get to the list. Straight women and gay men — you’re welcome.

5. Jeremy Renner

Age: 41
Why He Makes The Cut: His arms and his butt. Dudes, Dana sent me this picture today and my response was, “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL HUMAN PEOPLE.” I am shallow and good arms are my new favorite thing. I’m pretty sure that when Jeremy Renner wears a form-fitting t-shirt, he’s doing his part to make humanity better.

4. Timothy Olyphant

Age: 44
Why He Makes The Cut: He’s Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens. That says it all. He’s the coolest man to wear a cowboy hat since James Dean in Giant and Justified is the only show on television I must watch live. I once made a cup of coffee at 10:30pm so I could stay up and finish the episode.
Olyphant is gorgeous, talented, has a great accent he uses to delivers some fan-fucking-tastic lines (“Me and dead owls. Don’t give a hoot”) and basically, he’s so cool, he’s so cool, he’s so cool.

3. Brian Fallon

Age: 32
Why He Makes The Cut: Oh, what’s that, Brian Fallon? You wear Chucks, have cool tattoos, play guitar, are gonna write me a song where you call me ‘honey’ and whisper lyrics a little bit and Bruce Springsteen’s a fan of your music? Yeah — so here’s my social security number, all my bank information, keys to everything ever and oh yeah, my heart. Just go right ahead and take ’em.

2. Joseph Gordon Levitt

Age: 32
Why He Makes The Cut: I’ve had a crush on this guy since he was Cameron in 10 Things I Hate About You. Of course, he’s really good-looking (he’s got the sweetest crinkly smile) but more so than that – he’s interesting. He sings, acts, plays guitar and creates collaborative art. I’m a sucker for a man who can tell a story and I feel like JGL’s got a whole novel of ’em in him.

1. Ron Livingston

Age: 45
Why He Makes The Cut: You would think after a solid fifteen years, my crush would wane a little. Nope! Livingston is still the most gorgeous specimen humanity has ever produced. Think about how many people have ever lived. Ron Livingston is better-looking than all of them…except maybe Paul Newman.

I finally watched Band of Brothers this year and realized three things:

A) It’s a phenomenal series and I’ve never gotten so emotionally attached to a group of characters so quickly (as much as I loved Nix, my favorite character was Roe).
B) No-one should watch a Ron Livingston project with me because I cannot go more than three minutes without making some sort of exclamation/incredibly filthy comment. I know. I know. I should be ashamed but I’m not (sorry Mrs. Livingston. Your husband is really good-looking).
C) Ron Livingston’s video diary just heightened my crush. He’s just so charming. The man is funny and sweet and I am so glad I will never, ever meet him because doing so would turn me into a babbling idiot…who would quite possibly have some sort of massive coronary.

So, those are the men on my list. The 2012 All Stars.

Who’s on your list?

 

 

 

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My Stupid Mouth Or, That’s Enough, John Mayer…

I’ve become obsessed with the Palladia channel as of late. If I could climb into the Delorean, I would totally go back a decade and make 19-year-old Jaime’s life:

Present Day Jaime: Dude, so you have this channel and it’s nothing but concerts and music documentaries. Like, 24 hours a day.
19-Year-Old Jaime: What? Dude, that is amazing! I’m never leaving the house! Oh God, do we turn into like, Howard Hughes hermits?
Present Day Jaime: You know, I don’t even notice the jars of urine anymore…

Anyway, totally besotted with this channel, right? And I’ve been DVRing like a fiend: Shine a Light, Red Hot Chili Peppers: Live in Belfast, Bruce Springsteen: Storytellers, Fade to Black: Jay Z at Madison Square Garden

I have no idea what’s going on in the world because right now, my life is all about Palladia and The Newsroom.

I also accidentally DVR’d John Mayer: Storytellers.

I’ve never been the biggest John Mayer fan. I liked his first couple of albums – soft acoustic pop for bumming around on a rainy Sunday afternoon – and I love the version of Why Georgia featuring Brad Paisley, but Mayer? Just kinda floating on the periphery of my world.

And then, I saw him perform Your Body is a Wonderland.

My thoughts before I watched Storytellers:

“Ugh. You dumb glurgey bastard. I hate this song. Does this even work on anyone? “I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.” Ugh. You are the worst, John Mayer. The worst.”

My thoughts after seeing Mayer perform the song on Storytellers:

“Goddamn it…”

Look, it’s not entirely my fault, alright?

There’s a smart girl rattling around in here somewhere and she knows that Mayer is a interminable d-bag with a Klansman dork and a propensity to say really stupid things about the women he dates.

There’s the superficial dummy who thinks he’s kinda cute because he’s got that hedgehog hair and tattoos.

And now, imagine him with a guitar. Yeah. See what I mean?

And then there’s music junkie. And she is the world’s biggest sucker.

Behold:

John Mayer is a Stevie Ray Vaughan fan.

I love Stevie Ray Vaughan. Love him with the sort of irrational madness one reserves for their first love or their own flesh and blood.

Ninety percent of the reason I want to visit Austin is because I want to leave guitar strings at his memorial.
When I found out he had died ten years prior to my discovering his music, I yelled at my guitar teacher – “What the hell is wrong with you?! You knew he was dead and you let me fall in love with him?! I can never see him live?! I hate you! Why would you do this to me?!”

And here’s this hedgehog-haired, guitar-slinging d-bag who loves Vaughan so much that he got the man’s initials indelibly inked on his flesh.

How’s a girl supposed to resist that?

So, you win, John Mayer. You win. You might be the world’s biggest tool but I’m in, pound for pound.

Word of advice, though? Stop saying things. Just play guitar, look all cute and hedgehoggy and throw a girl a little Stevie Ray cover action – a little Texas Flood or Life Without You. It’s good for the soul.

 

 

 

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream Or, Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car Tim Riggins

I don’t usually remember my dreams but when I do – it’s either because they were awful or entire episodes of Wings from cold open to closing credits.

Like the time I dreamed I was being suffocated by blankets and I woke up….buried under blankets.

Ever seen a badger having a panic attack? Yeah, it was kinda like that.

Or the dream I had this morning involving Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights.

Straight ladies and gay men – I KNOW. All day, every day, right?

Anyway in my dream, Tim and I are hanging out at a carnival and we’re doing all that stereotypical romantic comedy stuff.

Yes, it’s trite and banal and just the worst thing ever in the movies but dudes, if Tim Riggins won an overstuffed plush toy for you — you would probably pass out.

Anyway, we get on the ferris wheel and right when we’re at the very top, he looks deep into my eyes and says I’m beautiful.

Fictional television character that I am dreaming about thinks I’m beautiful. Yes, my horse is very high and I will never climb down from it. Never.

Look, let me reiterate why this was awesome, OK?

You alright there? Need some water?

There are only two people in this world who call me beautiful:

1. Augs but he kinda has to since I’m his girl.
2. Old creepy dudes at bars. Sirs, I ain’t a slice of toast. Quit trying to butter me up.

We disembark from the ferris wheel and he asks me if I want to “hang out” at his place.

I went to college. I know what “hang out” means.

Obviously, my response is positive.

I’m gonna go “hang out” with Tim Riggins!
He thinks I’m beautiful!
He smells like kettle corn!
Holy shit, can we talk about his arms?!

This is the greatest day of my li….And then, my eyes pop open. Dream Tim Riggins vanishes and I’m staring at my closet through blurry vision.

What the hell just happened?

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to get back to my happy place, but it’s too late. Dream Tim Riggins is gone and has been replaced by the very real thought that I need to empty the dishwasher, check to see if the electric bill has been paid and remember to check in on Ryely this weekend.

Horsekicking me in the face even harder? The fact that it’s only 5:15 am.

Look scienticians — I know you’re all crazy busy with this whole global warming thing and the fact that Blinky is currently hanging out in the Gulf of Mexico and jetpacks and rocketcars and stuff but if you could please invent a way for me to DVR my dreams – that would be awesome.  Especially ’cause I’m pretty sure I had a similar dream about Ron Livingston a couple of years ago and I would LOVE to get back to that one.

Oh and yeah — this was really nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to post pictures of Taylor Kitsch. It’s been that kinda week.

Holy Shit, I Love You, Or The Dave Grohl Edition

Dave Grohl is a unicorn.

He’s mindblowingly talented, funny, charming, down-to-earth, gainfully employed and easy on the eyes.

Yeah. All of that. Present in one really decent body.

His blood may not sustain Volde…I mean, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I don’t see a giant horn in the middle of his forehead, but based on the aforementioned, dude’s gotta be a mythical beast, right?

So in honor of my favorite (living) rock star – here are five reasons I love Dave Grohl (holy shit)

1. Mindblowing talent. I’m not going to rundown the litany of his accomplishments or the list of people he’s worked with because it would take forever. I’m just going to ask that you check this out:

The urgency of that guitar – its fingerprints pressing indelibly into your flesh, the drums that sound like mastodons stampeding through a valley of bones and those throaty, raw vocals. The drummer did this, dudes. The drummer.

2. Look at him.

All scruffy and sexy with the tattoos and the hair. He’s got the hot band guy/rock god thing down.

And then, he double-downs on it with that wide and easy grin.

I can’t even, Mr. Grohl. I cannot even.

3. The miner story. If you haven’t already heard it, here’s a bare bones version:

There was a mine collapse in Tasmania, Australia and the trapped miners requested an iPod loaded with the Foo album, In Your Honor. Our boy Dave gets word of this and faxes a note to be given to them:

“Though I’m halfway around the world right now, my heart is with you both, and I want you to know that when you come home, there’s two tickets to any Foos show, anywhere, and two cold beers waiting for yous. Deal?”

A couple of months later, one of the miners takes Dave up on his offer and meets him for a drink after the show.

Wait. It gets even better.

On the band’s next album, Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace – Grohl wrote an instrumental tribute to the miners entitled Ballad Of The Beaconsfield Miners. And damn, it’s pretty.

4. He loves music. Like deep-in-his-bones DG+M=4EVER love. From the thunder and fury of Motorhead to the ethereal and moonlit prettiness of Norah Jones. And he gets it. The magic woven into notes and chords. He gets that the right song at the right time can help save the world, get the girl and change your life.

5. He seems like he’s a good dad. Case in point:


Kids don’t care about Grammys or the fact that you’ve played onstage with living legends. You know what they care about? When you’re gonna hook their ass up with a smoothie. Oh and if you’ll do the voices when you read the bedtime story.

So, to Dave Grohl — a fucking unicorn of a man who pounds the skins with the fury of an enraged god, has a voicebox made of blood, salt, iron and honey and would totally split a pitcher and pie with you?

Holy shit, I love you.

Queens of Country Trailer Or, Any Excuse To Post Ron Livingston-Related Content

This movie looks pretty great.

I know. I know — I’m the girl who owned both Body Shots and Buying The Cow on VHS so my credibility is a tad questionable in this area but dudes, I think we might just have a winner here.

Five Reasons I Think Queens of Country Will Kick Ass:

5. Soundtrack featuring old-school country artist like Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn and Tammy Wynette. I’ve been on a bit of an old country kick lately. Patsy, Loretta, Willie and Hank —  all good stuff for the dog days of summer.

The battery in my car died a few days ago and replacing it meant all my radio station presets went adios. Since I never got around to memorizing station numbers, I sat in my car and fiddled with the seek/skip button. I think I must have hit some sort of tear in the time-space continuum because I somehow tuned into the bluegrass station.

Yeah, I live in the Philly suburbs, not Appalachia. We’re a little less dobro and a little more Downeaster Alexa.

I’m kind of in love with the bluegrass station, even though I have no idea who performs these amazing songs and searches for, ‘ridiculously fast fingerpicking bluegrass’ result in being told that I am too stupid to use the internet and should basically go hide in a corner in shame.

4. The score is composed by Modest Mouse frontman Isaac Brock. You remember Modest Mouse — their song Float On was essentially inescapable in 2004 and more recently, a sample of it has been used in Lupe Fiasco’s The Show Goes On (another track that never fails to put me in a good mood). Also, they wrote a song called Bukowski. References to Charles Bukowski win every single time.

3. Maynard James Keenan of Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer is actually in the film. In addition to being a phenomenal musician, Keenan is also a winemaker who owns Merkin Vineyards. If you’re a nerd like me, you’ll realize exactly why that name is hilarious.

2. Lizzy Caplan plays the protagonist, Jolene Gillis. In addition to having played a character I still quote on a weekly basis (Janis Ian in Mean Girls  – “You smell like a baby prostitute”), Caplan killed it in Party Down and in this movie, she rocks some pretty big hair. Like, Amy Winehouse big.

Firstly — straight men and lesbians? You’re welcome. Secondly, I think we all know that the bigger the hair, the closer to God. Amen.

1. And finally, the most obvious answer — Ron Livingston. More specifically, Livingston in a cowboy hat as well as several scenes where he seems to have misplaced his shirt. I really wanted to wax eloquent about this — making a solid case for the man’s talent and the fact that he picks incredible divergent roles, but then — I saw this picture:

And basically, my volubility turned into, “Hgnnnnnnnhhhhh….” or the noise a goose makes when being slowly strangled.

In the words of the Bellamy Brothers, “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

I will definitely be seeing Queens of Country when it hits theaters next year. I will not, however, be rocking the big hair synonymous with country music.

Sorry, but there are some lines a girl can’t cross and you can have my flat iron when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Peeling Back The Laminate Or, That’s Why You Won’t Get Isabella Rossellini – Geography.

It’s been a couple of years since my last update, so I’m peeling back the laminate and inducting a couple of new additions to my laminated list.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, the Laminated List is a concept popularized by Friends and is essentially a list of five celebrities you can cheat on your significant other with without fear of repercussion.

So, without further ado — here’s my list. Straight ladies and gay men? You’re welcome.

Oh and by the by – the category is totally accurate. This post really is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse to post pictures of ridiculously attractive men.

5. Dave Grohl

Age: 42
Known for: Being the lead singer of Foo Fighters, an epic drummer/songwriter/raconteur and an all-around bad-ass good guy. Also, lover of bacon.
One Damn Good Reason He Deserves A Spot On The List: The entire Foo Fighters catalog.

4. Brian Fallon

Age: 32
Known for: Being the lead singer/songwriter of The Gaslight Anthem and being an inked up, blue-collar Jersey boy who sings like Springsteen and screams like Strummer. Also, for rocking a flat cap better than anyone else alive.
One Damn Good Reason He Deserves A Spot On The List: The ’59 Sound album.

3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Age: 30
Known For: Walking on the wall in Inception, seeing Angels in the Outfield and essentially being every manic pixie dream girl’s dream boy. Also, a triple-threat. Did you guys see him host SNL?
One Damn Good Reason He Deserves A Spot On The List: He plays guitar and sings in French.

2. Bradley Whitford

Age: 51
Known For: Hyper idealistic political bad-assery as Josh Lyman on The West Wing, being the only person on earth Matt Albie ever really loved on Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip and being the only dude in the history of ever who looks good with a Ron Jeremy ‘Stache. Also, he was ‘so cool’ in Adventures in Babysitting.
One Damn Good Reason He Deserves A Spot On The List: Because Aaron Sorkin’s amazing dialogue sounds even better when it’s coming out of Whitford’s mouth.

1. Ron Livingston

Age: 44
Known For: Slacking off in Office Space, delivering a killer pep talk that I still refer back to in Swingers and being the best looking man in Hollywood. A man who would reduce me to a simpering, blushing, idiotic slip of a girl, fully incapable of doing much more than making a few vowel sounds and then, running away utterly mortified. Also, I’m pretty sure the man hasn’t aged a day since 1995.
One Damn Good Reason He Deserves A Spot On The List: He’s Ron Livingston.

I think it’s safe to ascertain that I dig artists. Any man who can weave a story can weave his way into my good graces.

That’s my Laminated List. Who’s on yours?

P.S. – I may talk a big game, but in actuality — wild horses couldn’t drag me away from Augs. Blue eyes, a Gatsby smile and a heart so big, it could crush this town. What girl wouldn’t want that?

Date A Blogger, Or Stuff Like This is Why Augs Doesn’t Read My Blog

There are three ways a man can guarantee my attention and affection:

1) Be Augs. He’s ridiculously cute, he’s got good taste in movies and when you’re already in bed and say things like, “It’s hot,”, he gets up and switches on the air.

2) Be Ron Livingston — information from The Files Marked ‘Duh.’

3) Be a fictional southern con man a la James ‘Sawyer’ Ford or Sam Merlotte.

Saywer’s pretty well established as master of the long con, but last week on True Blood — we learned a little more about Bon Temps favorite bar owner, Sam Merlotte. Turns out before he slung suds, Merlotte was a con man who stole jewels, smooches and the lives of the two people who screwed him over.

So, the whole murder thing? Yeah, bad juju. But, I’ve always been a sucker for a southern accent and when you couple it with a shady past, a heart of gold and the ability to wear a pair of jeans like that? Darlin’, I’m all yours.