Real World/Road Rules: The Rivals Recaptasy Or, Episode One: Welcome To The Jungle

Look dudes – this is going to be a really long post, so I highly recommend you make yourself comfortable — grab a cold drink, make yourself a sandwich, whatever.

You good? Alright ramblers – let’s get rambling.

The Premise:

For all you rookies out there, the basic premise is to get a bunch of good-looking twentysomethings from The Real World and the now-defunct Road Rules, drop them in an exotic locale and have them perform feats of athleticism (mini triathalons, mountain climbing…) all in the hopes of winning prizes.

Every week, members are kicked off and the numbers dwindle further and further down until a small handful are left to compete for the big cash prize.

This is where the alliances come in. Alliances are based on numerous factors – friendship, athletic ability, trying to get into someone’s pants, white-hot hatred – and they are the lifeblood of the show. The alliance you’re in could spell either life or death and as is to be expected, there’s a fair amount of politics involved.

The cast members spend a majority of their downtime either screaming at one another, drinking heavily or trying to pound as much ground round as humanly possible. And it’s a combination of all these factors that makes The Real World/Road Rules Challenge the greatest show on television.

This season, MTV has decided to pair up contestants with an acrimonious history. I’m guessing this is because A) it makes compelling television and B) because MTV wants to be the first network to air a reality television murder (I’m looking at you, CT).

The Cast:

I’m going to try and keep this quick.

Members: CT and Adam
Reason For Rivalry: CT has pretty much housed Adam on three separate occasions.

Members: Kenny and Wes
Reason For Rivalry: Former cast-member Johanna and Wes were engaged. Then, they broke up. Then, Johanna slept with Kenny. Fallout/hilarity ensued. I love these two dumb-ass douchebags and seeing them forced to work together is going to be even more amusing than seeing them pit against one another.

Members: Adam R. and Leroy
Reason For Rivalry: Adam R’s destructive behavior got him punted from The Real World: Las Vegas and Leroy was the only one who called Adam on his shit.

Members: Aneesa and Robin
Reason For Rivalry: Robin got drunk and racist towards Aneesa.

Members: Brandon and Ty
Reason For Rivalry: Not too much going on here — an argument in the last Challenge which should have been resolved when the two faced one another in The Gulag.

Members: Camila and Theresa
Reason For Rivalry: Stupid girl shit that no-one really cares about.

Members: Cara Maria and Laurel
Reason For Rivalry: Cara Maria sucks. Don’t get me wrong, Laurel’s kind of a bitchface too, but Cara Maria just sucks.

Members: Davis and Tyrie
Reason For Rivalry: Davis got racist and the producers had to come in to break up the fracas. Also, Ty sucks.

Members: Evan and Nehemiah
Reason For Rivalry: Stupid boy shit that no-one really cares about. Also, Evan sucks.

Members: EV and Paula
Reason For Rivalry: EV double-crossed Paula much to the surprise of no-one because everyone double-crosses Paula!

Members: Jasmine and Jonna
Reason For Rivalry: Love triangle nonsense. Who are these broads? Why are they here? This should be either Veronica and Julie or Coral and Julie. ‘Cause my girl Coral doesn’t wrestle; she beats bitches up.

Members: Jenn and Mandi
Reason For Rivalry: Jenn threw a drink at First Season Heidi Montag and almost cold-cocked her.

Members: Johnny Bananas and Tyler
Reason For Rivalry: Yeah, I don’t really get this one too much. Tyler called Bananas out for a Challenge, but that’s really not that big a deal.

Members: Sarah and Katelynn
Reason For Rivalry: They were friends and now they’re not.

The glue that holds these cabal of misfits together is host TJ Lavin. He’s been with the show for 11 seasons and I think we can all agree that he’s the best man for the job. He’s that awesome coach you had when you were a kid. He doesn’t care for your bullshit and just wants you to do your best. When you opt not to compete or don’t perform to the best of your ability, it disappoints him and that gives everyone a sad. I’m so glad he’s back and fully recovered from the BMX injury he suffered last year.

The Recap:

Welcome to the Southern hemisphere where the only thing hotter than the temperature is Kenny when he takes his shirt off. In a related story: I hate myself.

The happy campers arrive in Costa Rica and immediately, leap into a Real World standard – poppin’ bottles and jumping in the pool. Right now, there’s a laid-back camaraderie, but that won’t last long.

Also, CT was shot in the back and his brother was murdered?! Alright, kinda feeling like a dick for making all those jokes about him earlier.

Some basic information about The Jungle — it’s the elimination round where the losing team of the first challenge are automatically sent in. Their opponents are voted on by other cast members and that’s where it gets interesting. As for the ducats

1st place – $100,000
2nd place – $50,000
3rd place – A solid goose egg.

Onto the first challenge – High Dive. It’s your basic long-jump challenge. Leap off a platform suspended 150ft over Nauyuga Falls and whoever clears the most hash marks wins.

In a surprising twist, both rookie teams snag the victory. Congratulations to Leroy, Adam, Jonna and Jasmine. Whoop it up kids because The Challenge eats rookies for dinner.

This means Paula and EV are going into The Jungle. EV looks pissed and “The Game” is officially on.

Aneesa quickly throws Laurel under the bus by stating she’s the only competitor who can take on EV and then, Laurel returns the favor by throwing in Aneesa.

Everyone votes and it comes down to Aneesa+Robin versus EV+Paula.

Now that voting’s over, it’s drunk time! Whoo! Lee does body shots off of Mandi, Jasmine gets chucked in the pool and says she’s not going to hook up with Ty…and then, shoves her tongue in his mouth like three seconds later and Ty gets hammered and starts talking smack, which pisses off everyone. Especially Adam R…

…Who rears up and cold-cocks the dude right in the face.

BOOSH! And my fantasy team is off to a running start.

Although Ty was belligerent and asking for it, this ends Adam’s time in Costa Rica and on the show. That sucks for my boy Roy but it means 100 points for Team Crucio.

In the fracas, Mandi gets knocked over and slams her head on the concrete floor. She must have whacked it pretty hard because she starts talking about how CT’s the hottest guy in house.

Dude, are you insane? He looks like the Missing Link on steroids.

The contestants head to The Jungle where Leroy discovers Adam’s replacement is his BFF/Life Partner, Mike. They’re adorable. They have friendship bracelets. I love them. I just hope he can deliver as the newest member of Team Crucio.

Finally, it’s Jungle Time. Team members stand on two platforms facing one another. These platforms are then pulled further and further apart. First team to fall into the mud loses.

This is a boring challenge and I’m really happy when Robin slams into the mud.

EV and Paula win the Challenge and Robin goes home to her baby boy. It’s a pretty laid back loss and way to start the season. I’m not too worried, though. They’re ramping up to the crazy.

RW/RR Challenge Fantasy:

Team Crucio is off to a great start thanks to Adam R.

Adam cold-cocking Ty: 25 points
Producers talking to Adam: 25 points
Adam gets punted: 100 points

Bringing my first week total to 150 points. When it comes to stuff like this, always back the sociopath.

And finally, we end with Kenny’s Quote of the Week:

“We got more championship belts than fuckin’ Hulk Hogan.”

Amen to that, brother man. Now, look pretty and start putting some points up on the board for me, OK?

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21 Jump Street: America, What A Town – Season 1, Episode 3

What’s a girl to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon when she’s got a veritable mountain of laundry to fold? She fires up the Netflix and busts out another 21 Jump Street recap.

Besides, I figure this will be good practice for this summer when I’ll be writing Real World/Road Rules Challenge Recaps. You know, if someone would just do RW/RR Challenge Fantasy with me, I wouldn’t have to subject the world to such ridiculous whims.

Anyway, let’s check in on our favorite undercover brothers (and sister), shall we?

Cold Open: Some leather jacket clad dude breaking into and hot-wiring a sedan and driving it to the local chop shop. Things aren’t what they seem, though because guess what, grease monkeys — this ain’t no chop shop. It’s the Northside High Auto Shop!

Cue awesome theme song that will never get old. If Jonah Hill gets this reboot off the ground, I wanna hear Beyonce sing the hell out of this tune. Peter DeLuise can still rock the ‘Jumps’, though.

This episode features two major plot lines:

Plot A: Busting an auto theft ring at Northside. Hansen goes undercover (rocking the Cry Baby look once more) and discovers that Grease Monkeys steal cars, chop ’em and then, sell them at auto auctions. Not gonna lie – my attention for Plotline A was pretty weak. Primarily because I don’t really care about cars and because like every other carbon-based lifeform on the planet, I get very easily distracted by Johnny Depp.

Plot B: Nadia, a Polish exchange student wins some sort of essay contest and now, she gets to be a typical American teenager. And Hoffs is the lucky Jump Streeter who gets to babysit her.

Ummmm, what? Speaking as an immigrant, let me take a moment to vent. I had to jump through hoops, fill out endless forms and employ lawyers in order to become a typical American and all this broad has to do is write an essay?! What?!

Also, she’s from Eastern Europe! Home of the Red Scare whereas I was born in London — home of cups of tea and The Beatles, those adorable mop-tops that you Yanks adored!

No wonder the system is broken.

Alright, enough ranting. Let’s get back to the magic.

Plot A:

Hansen goes undercover and it’s not long before he discovers the two toolboxes behind the crimes. Hansen recruits Penhall  for back-up and homeboy who shows up at Northside carrying hot merchandise and wearing a key in his ear. Thug life, y’all.

A key? Really, Penhall? You think this a good look?

Hansen and Penhall spend their night hanging out with the Grease Monkeys and like morons, these two chowderheads divulge pretty much all their plans — they’re only committing GTA because they want to open up their own shop with leather couches, new magazines and a big window so everyone can see them work. Dream big, dudes.

Proving that he’s more than just a burned out relic from the era of peace, love and dope – Jenko gets all duded up in his gingham, boots and hat and meets up with Mario Delano, the sleazeball who’s running this sordid little car insurance fraud/GTA ring.

Meanwhile back at Jump Street Chapel, Ioki get strong-armed into renting a Mercedes for the sting. Why? Because Asians have awesome insurance because they are cautious and careful drivers. Good news – the sting works and the vehicle gets chopped.

Bad news? They set the Mercedes on fire, thus destroying Ioki’s insurance cred.

Hansen and Penhall bust Mario for his thievery and then, cross the street to bust the Grease Monkeys for stripping the Mercedes and setting the thing on fire. Aforementioned Grease Monkeys try to run but give up as soon as they realize that Hansen and Penhall know where they live.

The episode ends with a successful bust, Harry being reimbursed for his rental car and the boys doing their sweet shooting star handshake featured in the credits

I’m going to bring this back, dudes. I’ll be cool yet. You’ll see.

 Plot B:

Nadia arrives at the airport with her handler and is greeted by a local press corp as well as her host family, who barely feature in the episode.

Her first day at Northside features Nadia trying to explain that her homeland is Pro-American despite the political ideologies of the government. Jingoist teacher Mr. Ramsey isn’t having any of it, though and treats her like some sort of subversive pinko. Better dead than red, I guess.

To take the edge off, Hoffs takes Nadia to that bastion of American culture – the mall. Nadia checks out the ‘abundance of American wealth’ and is rightly shocked.

She’s amazed by overpriced ice cream, sneakers and ATMs . I love her. She’s like a Martian!

Some skeezy guy hits on her and she ditches Hoffs post-haste. Apparently, male attention isn’t all that plentiful in the Soviet Bloc. Even if you do look like a fresh-faced supermodel.

Nadia must have spent the night in Hoboken or something because when she shows up at school the next day, she’s rocking big hair, big earrings, big make-up, big heels, a tiny skirt and raving about American capitalism.

Da, comrade. Our rock music and blue jeans are to be lauded.

Continuing her tradition of running off whenever a creepy guy pays the slightest bit of attention to her, Nadia runs out on Hoffs again when a creepy mid-level manager starts hitting on Nadia and asks her if she wants to learn how to drive his sports car. Two words, brother man – Jail. Bait. Also, your piece of shit 1983 Camaro doesn’t really constitute as a sports car.

Back at Jump Street Chapel – Hoffs gripes about how she can’t keep up with Nadia, whose voracious man hunger rivals that of  Janice Dickinson.  To give Hoffs a break, Jenko volunteers Ioki as a date.

Our boy ends up groping Nadia pretty much throughout the entire movie. Sidebar: I hate these couples. Look teenagers, I know that you really aren’t able to rent a room for your underaged sexcapades, but dudes — keep it out of my movie theater. When I plunk down $12 to see a show, I prefer it to be onscreen, not wrestling for armrest space next to me.

Ioki breaks it off to cool down and Nadia runs up to grab concessions where ends up flirting with some Bob Saget lookalike. Surprise, surprise – she leaves with him to ride in his Porsche. She disappears for the night and the local boys in blue pick her up frolicking in a fountain with Not Bob Saget.

Where the hell’s Chris Hansen when you need him?

Judy meets her at the precinct and Nadia admits that she wants to meet a husband so she can leave the pinko hellhole that is Poland and move to the land of opportunity.

Three weeks are up and Nadia, now with Kelly Kapowski makeover, is heading back to Poland.

She’s met a new “friend” named Chris who will invariably end up being implicated in some sort of green card scam in the next few years.

All in all, a solid effort, but no patch on the pilot. Of course, it’s hard to compete with a character who looks like Jermaine Jackson and another who shoots up heroin in the school showers.

And finally, because 21 Jump Street is a modern day morality play, let’s go over some of the lessons we learned from watching this episode: All Eastern European women are gorgeous schemers angling for a green card, dreamers are easy to take advantage of, Holly Robinson needs to get rid of those blue contacts, no man should ever wear keys as jewelry, if you strip a car for parts, you should burn it because fire is cool and finally, Johnny Depp is a remarkably attractive man.

21 Jump Street, Part II – Season 1, Episode 2

And we’re back!

Welcome to the recap of the second half of the 21 Jump Street premiere.

You can read the first half here, or we can just skip to Cliff Notes:

– Officer Tom Hanson has just joined Jump Street – a program where babyfaced police officers go undercover to investigate criminal activity among teens. Rounding out the Jump Street Crew — Captain Jenko and officers Penhall, Ioki and Hoffs.

– Hanson gets assigned to Amherst High where he’ll play a disciplinary transfer named Tom Bauer. Also matriculating at Amherst? Suburbanite shitbag Kenny who’s six large into a drug dealer and Tyrell, aforementioned drug dealer who has a penchant for dressing like Michael Jackson circa Beat It.

We all caught up? Let’s get started.

The show opens with Jenko, Penhall and Ioki playing some sort of slo-mo football/frisbee hybrid at Jump Street. Hanson, square that he is, interrupts by walking in and insisting on debriefing.

Jenko says he hates debriefing because, “it sounds Republican or something…” to which Tom expresses his party affiliation. Of course he is. Because Republicans are squares and that’s what the liberal Hollywood media want you to believe.

Jenko relents and calls the officers to order. Ioki talks about making a drug bust and when he balks at sharing the collar with Hoffs, she calls him ‘Tojo.’? Really guys? Tojo? We weren’t past this in the late 80s?

Ioki and Hanson pair up on stakeout detail. It’s not long before they see Kenny leave his house.

And start tailing him on his paper route/smash and grab tour of the ‘burbs. Some fancy driving ensues and Kenny does a pretty decent job avoiding the pair on his scooter. Unfortunately, the whole thing goes to pot when Kenny gets away and Ioki and Hanson are stopped by a squad car.

It’s OK. We’re cops. See? Of course, the uniform busting Hanson? His former partner, Officer Morty Seinfeld. Who didn’t see that one coming?

Cut to English class where Hanson gets busted for passing notes and his “wise mouth.” As punishment, Evil English Teacher Mr. Land strong-arms Hanson into joining the drama club production of Rip Van Winkle. This is going to end well.

Post-class, Hanson’s note-passing partner in crime is babbling about her loose sexual mores and herpes. Hanson’s looking for a way out of this increasingly uncomfortable situation and he spots Kenny sauntering down the halls. He needs to hide. Quick. So, he does what any upstanding officer of the law would do in his position.

Make out with the annoying slutty girl closest to you. Hey, it’s a public high school. You can’t swing a cat….

(Sidebar: You know that smooching Johnny Depp was the apex of this girl’s life)

Post minor-altercation with Annoying Slutty Girl’s boyfriend (of course she has a boyfriend! She puts out), Hanson heads to the theater where Mr. Land pairs him up with Kenny of Smash and Grab fame. Typical teenager that he is, Kenny is totally oblivious and thinks Hanson used to date his sister. Close, but no cigar. Idiot.

ASG greets Hanson in the hall again and he lets her down gently…but saying he’s a carrier of herpes. “Wounded in action in the sexual revolution.”

To which I respond, “Honey, get yourself some Valtrex and have at it.”

Hanson walks out to the parking lot to discover Kenny being accosted by Jermaine.

Jermaine whips out a knife and starts circling Hanson. Dude, seriously — chill on the whole emulating Michael Jackson thing. You’ll thank me in 1993. Trust me.

Their little Beat It pow-wow is broken up by Coach Schaeffer who warns Hanson not to pull Waxer (Jermaine) off-sides because he’s a killer. We get it, writers. He’s a coach. He likes sports metaphors.

Cut to: Kenny walking into an auto shop where Jermaine and Ray-Ray have just finished chopping the family Jag. Kenny hands over a bookbag filled with ‘hot’ merch and is told that no matter what he does, he can never get even.

Later that night, Stakeout Partners Ioki and Hanson follow Jermaine from his dump of a home to a swanky restaurant populated by champagne-sipping broads in furs. Jermaine seems pretty at home with the 401K crowd and while he’s meeting with a balding, bearded heavy — Hanson flashes his badge to get a Bud Lite. Really, dude? You’re abusing the badge for a Bud Light? At least get a rye on the rocks or a gin and ginger or something.

Jermaine and Beardo Baldy leave with Ioki and Hanson hot on their respective trails. Hanson, genius that he is, commandeers a cab driven by someone who went to the Lindsay Lohan Driving School and they end up smashing directly into Jermaine’s Porsche. Jermaine sees Hanson in the backseat, pulls out his gat and shoots, missing Hanson but shattering the back window. He gets back into his car and speeds off, leaving Hanson and the cabbie stranded and steaming at the intersection. In a battle between Porsche and yellow cab, there’s no way the Porsche would win. The cab would, to quote the ineffable Dr. Emmett Brown, “rip through them like tin foil.”

Jermaine shows up while Kenny is dumpster-diving and gives him a speedball. Yeah kid — go ahead. Get embroiled with the same stuff that killed Belushi. Great idea.

Monumental moron that he is, Kenny decides there’s no better place to strap up and get high than the school locker room.

The idiot passes out in the shower, Hanson finds him and calls the paramedics while on the other side of town, Jenko and Ioki burst into Beardo Baldy’s place and Jenko practices a little of that sweet, sweet police brutality.

Kenny ends up in the hospital, Beardo Baldy ends up in jail and Officer Hoffs delivers this particularly pithy bit of advice, “You can bust all the dealers you want but you’ve gotta bust the jones.”

Kenny’s parents are at his bedside, mollycoddling him about how they feel responsible and how they’re sorry and in typical shitbag fashion, Kenny responds with, “It’s got more to do with who’s cool than what parents you got stuck with.” At this point, I find myself feverishly hoping dude goes down the same path Jared Leto did in Requiem for a Dream.

Officer Hanson shows up and cops up to, well being a cop and I learn all sorts of drug terminology — “Ten CCs of China White! Speedballing with pure flake!”

Kenny’s shitbaggery may fly with his parents, but Officer Thomas Hanson don’t take no crap. So, he slaps Kenny.

Twice.

That night, Penhall and Hoffs show up at Jermaine’s door looking to score an ‘eight track.’ Hoffs gains entrance but ‘Gray Boy’ Penhall has to stay outside. Reverse racism, y’all. It ain’t pretty.

They make the deal, but Jermaine ain’t no dummy. He finds Hoffs’ wire and all hell breaks loose. Penhall charges in, guns a’blazing and Jenko, being the bad-ass he is, smashes his hippie bus straight into Jermaine’s auto shop.

Ray Ray shoots at Jenko, causing a diversion and Jermaine flees, only to end up on the hood of Hanson’s Mustang. The perp flees again, this time with Hanson hot on his heels. Hanson finally catches up with Jermaine at a subway station and the two scuffle. Damn due process. If Hanson didn’t have to waste him time Mirandizing the guy, this never would have happened.

Finally, Hanson gets the upper hand and growls out, “You’re under arrest….Tyrell.” Not gonna lie, it’s kinda hot.

Kenny is released from the hospital where apparently he also got a douche-ectomy because he’s like, 47% less of an asshole than when he was admitted.

Waiting for him outside the hospital? A mousse-free Tom Hanson.

It’s a good look. Hanson and Kenny part as friends and all is well in the suburbs once more.

The episode ends with Hanson heading over to Jenko’s to debrief…and by debrief, he means jam out on his sax with Jenko’s band — finally a fully-fledged member of the Jump Street Crew.

All in all, a decent pilot. It’s undeniably dated but so much fun. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the season brings. Also? Great message for the kids:

If it says it on a t-shirt, it must be true.

21 Jump Street, Part I – Season 1, Episode 1

I’m bringing back the TV recaps and starting with 21 Jump Street.

I chose this show for several reasons:

A) I think it would do really well today. You get a guy like Rob Thomas (the creator of Veronica Mars, not the dude from Matchbox 20 who has a hi-larious cameo on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) to oversee the project, you hire a bunch of shiny-haired twentysomethings, you focus on issues plaguing today’s teens (sexting, cyber-bullying…) and you leave the theme song alone. I think you’ve got the perfect lead-in to Gossip Girl or The Vampire Diaries.

B) Jonah Hill’s writing a film adaptation, so the show is the teensiest bit relevant again. Apparently, Hill’s vision is Bad Boys meets John Hughes directed by Rob Zombie. Now, I’m not saying that sounds like a shit-show, but it sounds like a shit-show.

C) Old-School Johnny Depp.

D) The theme song. Holly Robinson sings it and both Peter DeLuise and Depp chime in with a couple of ‘Jump!’s. It’s awesome.

For those of you who were a mere twinkle in the milkman’s eye when the show premiered in 1987, let me give you a quick rundown — Baby-faced police officers go undercover in high schools and other teen hangouts to investigate criminal activity.

Everyone caught up? Alright ramblers, let’s get ramblin’.

The show opens in with an upper middle class family sitting down to dinner – smart-mouthed kids, a father who can barely conceal his disdain for them and a mother about six seconds away from upending a bottle of Stoli directly into her WASPy maw. Their suburban bliss is shattered (quite literally) when Jermaine Jackson smashes into the dining room, firearm and Muscle in tow.

OK, fine. It’s not really Jermaine Jackson, but dude has definitely been shopping in Michael Jackson’s closet, circa the Thriller video.

It turns out ‘No Color Cry Boy’ (also known as Kenny, the clarinet-playing son) owes Jermaine $6000. Of course, he doesn’t have the cash, so Jermaine shoots the television and steals the family Jaguar while Muscle threatens to rape the daughter. Ummm, holy shit. Why was I allowed to watch this as a child?

Hey! Kim Manners directed this episode. Manners directed episodes of The X-Files and Supernatural and his brother Kelly produced Dollhouse, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Kings of Anarchy. That actually fills me with optimism. OK, /TV Dorkery.

Cut to Officer Tom Hanson and his partner, Officer Morty Seinfeld (also known as Charlie).

Officer Seinfeld’s (I’m not calling him Charlie. He’s Jerry’s dad) a grizzled lifer who learned all he needed to know about police work on the streets. But Officer Hanson? A second generation cop who’s fresh out of the academy and the kind of guy who likes to, “roll in hot and kick tails.”  Yes. They actually said that.

A call comes in and they’re off to the suburban homestead from the opening scene.

Older daughter and hairspray addict Colleen makes eyes at Officer Hanson and asks if he’s old enough to be a cop because he looks just like that guy in Pretty in Pink. I’m assuming she means Duckie because Depp resembles neither Spader or McCarthy.

Since Officer Hanson graduated top in his Domestics class, he tries to connect with Kenny but no dice. Kenny won’t tell him ‘spit.’ At this point, I’m advocating Officer Seinfeld’s tack of taking the door off the hinges and beating the information out of this kid. He’s a little shitbag.

Officer Seinfeld’s cop Spidey Sense starts tingling and the duo start tailing a car that was involved in an armed robbery just moments before. Things quickly evolve into a car chase complete with hairpin turns and airborne vehicles.

Hanson covers the perps while Officer Seinfeld goes to call back-up.

But he’s a rookie and has no clue what he’s doing, so the robbers clobber him, steal the cop car and Hanson winds up accidentally breaking his partner’s nose.

Best line of the episode is courtesy of a perp who tells Officer Seinfeld, “Keep him away from me, huh? I feel like a child molester.”

Hanson’s antics mean a date with the chief who tells him about an undercover program called Jump Street Chapel — a unit that operates out of an abandoned chapel. Hanson dismisses this gig as, “Fast Times at Bust Your Buddy High” and says he’s not interested because he hated high school the first time around. Chief gives him two options — Jump Street or desk work until he looks old enough to be a cop.

He thinks over this big decision by reminiscing about his deceased father and playing really lousy smooth jazz.

They couldn’t give the guy a guitar? I know it’s cliche, but Depp actually plays the guitar and it would lead to a much better musical interlude than the Kenny G-inspired dreck they went with.

Hat and baton in tow, Hanson shows up at Jump Street Chapel to check it out. The aesthetic is dorm room meets The Shield’s Barn complete with sliding fireman’s pole.

Cue Officer Doug Penhall (Peter DeLuise) and Officer H.T. Ioki (Dustin Nguyen).

H is for Harry, T is for Truman. HT is named after the guy who, “dropped an atom bomb on his house” but I’m pretty sure that A)  HT is Vietnamese B) Truman died before Saigon fell and C) The United States never dropped any A-bombs in ‘Nam. History fail, guys.

Hanson also meets his boss, Captain Jenko – a dude who looks and acts like a hippie burnout.

He’s got posters of Hendrix on his wall and a dartboard emblazoned with the face of Nixon. Despite his behavior, Jenko is well aware of who’s running things and his mission is to nip teen crime in the bud so that bad teens don’t grow up to be bad adults.

This man is going to teach Hanson to be a teenager again and Officer Judy Hoffs (Holly Robinson Peete) is going to assist him.

She and Lisa Turtle would have a lot to talk about.

Second best line of the episode happens when Hanson tries to engage Hoffs in some overtly complicated handshake. Her response? “That’s OK, honey. My people don’t do that anymore.” Womp womp.

Depp gets an 80s style makeover in which he looks remarkably like his character from Cry Baby. So, lesson learned – if you want to look cool in the 80s, dress like they did in the 50s. And use ungodly amounts of mousse.

See? Samesies!

The Jump Street gang sets up a dry-run for Hanson — he’ll be playing Penhall’s cousin who’s been around the block and is looking to buy. They don’t want to bust the guy yet; they just want to make sure he’s holding.

He wants to buy a ‘lid.’ I have no idea what the hell that means and apparently, neither does Jace the dealer because he pulls out a gun and accuses Hanson of being a cop.

And they say street pharmacists are stupid.

Luckily, Hanson’s baby face saves his ass. The dealer’s ass, though? Not so much. Hanson beats Jace down. Let me reiterate for those in the cheap hates — Tom Hanson hates it when people comment on how young he looks. Hulk smash!

Despite the fact that this wasn’t supposed to be a bust, Hanson arrests the guy for threatening to kill a cop and for selling him….a pair of socks. Hanson’s inexperience and hair-trigger temper botches the entire operation. Good job, guy.

Remember Kenny? The suburbanite shitbag from the opening scene? Dude goes on a jewelry store smash and grab and flees. On a scooter. I’m sure this will come back later.

Jenko is handing out assignments and Hanson will be getting his feet wet at Amherst High as Tom Bauer,  a disciplinary transfer from Wilcox with a drug problem and a bad attitude.

‘His first encounter at the school is with our buddy Jermaine, the home-invading, television-shooting car thief from the show’s opening. Hanson parks in Jermaine’s spot and a rumble ensues — Jermaine kicks Hanson’s mustang and demands Hanson move the car. He retaliates by scratching the word ‘No’ into Jermaine’s car.

‘Tom and Jermaine are sent off to Coach Shaeffer’s office to be disciplined. Shaeffer uses entirely too many sports metaphors and we learn the following about Jermaine — his real name’s Tyrell, he drives a Ferrari and fighting is a violation of his parole.

As for Hanson, he and his father have a date with Shaeffer the following date. I’m assuming Jenko is going to filling those shoes.

Wouldn’t you know it — Hanson’s locker is three away from Shitbag Suburbanite Kenny. The episode ends with Jermaine (look, I’m not calling him Tyrell) telling Hanson, “You’re gonna like it here at Amherst, boy. Especially if you like dying.”

An undeniably idiotic statement, but you know what? I’m in like Flynn.

I want to find out what happens and I want to see how Hanson’s straight-and-narrow persona interacts with Penhall’s dumb labrador goofiness and Hoffs’ sass. I want to see what kind of situations the Jump Streeters get embroiled in and I really want to see what happens when Richard Grieco joins the cast as Officer Booker.

So yeah — in like Flynn. Expect a recap of the second part of this two-parter pilot soon.

Oh and if you’ve stuck around this long — kudos. You have certainly earned this:

“You’re gonna learn something when we meet you after school!” Love that!