I’ve Been Excommunicated By The Keebler Elves, Or Why Being Short and Unable To Bake Cookies Really Puts A Ding In Your Day

For the most part, I’m a pretty upbeat person and relatively lo-fi. I take things in stride and try not to stress too much.

Flight’s late? No biggie — I’ll get to my destination eventually.
Traffic jam? I’ll just give me more time to listen to music.
Shoe breaks while I’m out and about (this has actually happened several times)? Make like Mariah and shake it off.

But every now and then, something remarkably stupid will happen and just send me reeling. Like this, for example:

This abortive failure is my attempt to make Nestle Tollhouse cookies from scratch. They stuck to the cookie sheet, tasted terrible and basically ruined my night.

A batch of cookies has me sitting on the couch, pouting and listening to Coldplay.

I couldn’t make a batch of effing cookies. Isn’t that like, Girl 101? Do I have to turn in my ovaries at the next meeting?

After all, I also can’t sew a button, give a room that feminine touch (a vast collection of books and scented candles don’t count, right?), apply any make-up that isn’t mascara and lip balm, walk in heels over 3″ tall or go an entire day without using at least one expletive.

Part of me is saying that the aforementioned is just the perpetuation of archaic gender roles and has no real bearing on my femininity, but there’s a bigger part of me who’s a complete asshole (see, told you I couldn’t go without using an expletive) and is basically taunting me by saying, “You couldn’t even make cookies?! What kind of girl are you, anyway?”

My frustration is an ouroboros — I’m annoyed because I couldn’t do something as rudimentary as make cookies and I’m also annoyed because I’m annoyed at something so asinine. I mean, they’re cookies for Chrissakes.

Yes, I am utterly deranged and fully aware of this fact. I’m not the only one, though. Admit it – you get pissed off about stupid stuff too.

Alright. Enough moping. This is no way to spend a Friday night.

So, I suck at making cookies. You know what I don’t suck at:

1. Making pizza and huevos rancheros from scratch. Fuck cookies – I can make real meals.
2. Making mix CDs. I put entirely too much thought into them and they kick ass.
3. Any game involving pop culture trivia.
4. Writing. Despite what this blog may lead you to believe, I’m actually pretty decent when it comes to slingin’ ink.
5. Coaxing a smile out of people. I made my grandma laugh when my grandpa was in the hospital. Easing tension, even if it’s for the briefest of moments, is something I can do well and it might be dumb, but we all need a little break every now and then.

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Yes, I would like some cheese with this whine. How about a nice Manchego?

This week has sucked for the following reasons:

– I have a herniated disc in my spine. When did I become an 85-year-old rheumatic? I realize that I’m made of sugar, spice and Rice Krispies (I pop joints like Cheech…but mine are more humeral/femural than laced with THC), but come on! I am too young and too short to be dealing with this. Also, how awesome was that ‘pop joints like Cheech’ line? Jay-Z, feel free to call me anytime.

– I’ve been prescribed steroids. Much like the goggles (+10 if you get the reference), they do nothing. They don’t alleviate pain and they don’t turn me into a raging sociopath, hell-bent on destruction and laying entire cities to waste with a flick of my wrist. The after-school specials were right — drugs are for suckers.

– I woke up late this morning (due to the steroids, which kept me tossing and turning all night) which meant a madcap dash of multi-tasking to get ready for work. So, I’m brushing my teeth and reach over to grab my make-up case. I hear a soft splash, look down and see my favorite eyeshadow brush floating in the toilet…which I hadn’t flushed yet. Just awesome.

– Nothing tastes good. Does anyone else go through periods like this? Where the food that would usually make you swoon just tastes like cardboard and has you going, “Meh…” I had an eggplant, broccoli rabe and sharp provolone hoagie yesterday and only ate half of it. Half! Who the hell only eats half of a Primo hoagie? They’re delicious!

But to balance all my whinging, here are some things that are awesome:

– World Cup Block Party on Saturday. England is playing the US and I think it’s pretty obvious that I will not be root-root-rooting for the home team.

– I’ve lost seven pounds since my last check-up. Of course this means nothing because….

– I’m having brunch with friends on Saturday. Which means I will be feasting on huevos rancheros which means seven pounds lost will quickly turn into 35 pounds gained. Damn you, delicious Tex-Mex.

– I had an awesome dream the other night in which Adam Carolla invited me to his carpentry compound. I went, bought some very cool t-shirts and then, proceeded to hang out with Barack Obama and Ron Livingston. Lesson to be learned from this: Aleve gives you wicked-awesome dreams. Also, Ron Livingston? Feel free to cameo more often.

– The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I’ve talked about how much I love the show before and last night, the season wrapped up with underdogs Landon and Carley winning the big money. This was awesome because A) Carley was picked last and everyone figured she was essentially blonde and useless. B) Landon is the nicest competitor ever. Usually when the going get tough, dudes start screaming abuse at their partners (looking in your direction here, Wes), but Landon was patient, optimistic and generally awesome. If anyone deserves to win, it’s Team LanCar. Good job, guys.

Watching the Reunion show, I realized the following:

– Against my better judgment, I have a teensy crush on Kenny. Yes, he’s a John Mayer-level d-bag, but you know what? Dude is good-looking, funny and I am shallow. Augs apparently has a thing for Ev, so we’ve both got pretty bad taste when it comes to RW/RR Challenge members.
– Something’s up with Wes. I get the feeling that the next challenge he’s on, he’s going to go bananas (Johnny Bananas?) and drown his competitor.
– The lack of TJ Lavin was a negative. Sports Guy hit it on the head in a BS Report when he pointed out that Lavin’s kinda like your dad. All about teamwork, fair play and giving it your all, you hate to disappoint the guy.
– Coral needs to come back and wrestle beat bitches up.
– David also needs to come by. For no other reason than I dig him.