Million Dollar Idea: Please Stop. Please, Please Stop Doing That.

My relationship with Dana can be summed up in seven words: Shit, piss….

Wait!
No.
Wrong words.

Those are the seven words you can’t say on television.

The seven words that crystallize our friendship are: “I’ll do it if you do it.”

This applies to pretty much anything from ordering the cheese plate to public dance lessons to creative endeavors.

As a result of this,  not only am I lucky enough to have an amazing friendship with someone I love and respect, but I also have a partner for my next million dollar idea. Allow me to present it to you via the magic of the actual conversation we had today:

Me: I have this awesome idea that is going to make us MILLIONS of dollars. I debuted it to Biffle last night and once he stopped hating his life because I’m in it, I think he decided to be on board.

Dana: What is it?

Me: So, I can’t dance for shit, right? Like, I am a legit awful, terrible dancer. But that doesn’t matter because we’re gonna start a strip club.

[Calm down. It’s not what you think]

But before you can get in to the club itself, you have to walk through the foyer. And that’s where I’ll be – dancing away, totally un-rhythmically to music that no-one should ever dance to – like the Day-O  song.

“Oh, what’s that? You wanna get in to see the smoking hot girls we have in our club? You’re gonna have to pay me to stop dancing.”

I’m like Gandalf — “YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS…Unless you give me $20 to stop flailing around like a muppet having a seizure.”

[I really do. There’s a lot of flailing and uncoordinated movements and surprised face happening. Elaine Benes dances better than I do. Seriously. I look like this:]

Dana: I can help with the bad dancing.

[See? Already. My girl is there for me]

Dana: My favorite move is the pelvic thrust.

Me: YES! Do you make grunting noises?

Dana: Yes.

Me: “Ughhhh….”

[This noise is especially attractive when I make it in person]

Dana: I’m also very handsy.

Me: Jazz hands and spirit fingers!

Dana: Yes!

Me: I was dancing last night on Skype with Biffle and he literally looked like someone was serving him a shit pie. Like, “Why? Which God did I anger to have this happen in my life? Please stop doing that….”

Dana: Hahaha. If I drink a little bit, I can move better. It looks less like a seizure. We can be the lobby dancers in the strip club. It’s like a step lower than the weekday-afternoon crew.

[Weekday. Afternoon. Crew. I just wanted to point that out because it’s hilarious and so true. Oh, what? I’ve seen Showgirls on VH1. I know how this works]

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be fully clothed while doing this. Thus making the experience EVEN WORSE for all those watching – “Why is she doing that while wearing a parka?”

Dana: YEAH! I’m gonna wear like, rain boots or something. Galoshes. There’s nothing less sexy than galoshes.

Me: YES! Best usage of the term ‘galoshes’ ever! No make-up, hair up in a greasy bun, spaghetti stain on my cardigan. So hot, dude. So hot.

I think this could be a big success. Especially considering most of our Google+ conversations usually end up with us looking like this:

I was going to post a video of my dancing just to prove how truly awful I am but yeah…I still have some tiny semblance of dignity and knowing my luck, it would become a thing, so instead — I decided to throw a little happiness out into the world. Well, for straight women and gay men, anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen – Channing Tatum dancing to Ginuwine’s The Pony in Magic Mike.

I KNOW, DUDES. I KNOW. Yeah. You’re welcome.

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Million Dollar Idea: Build-Your-Own-Breakfast

You know what people love? Breakfast food.

Wakey wakey! Eggs and bakey...and hash browns, toast and coffee.

They love it in the morning right before work and they really love it late at night after they’ve been drinking.

Any time of day, you can approach someone and say, “Hey, wanna get some hash browns? Maybe some bacon or pancakes?” and nine times out of ten, they’ll respond with a positive answer.

So, I came up with a brilliant million-dollar idea — A made-to-order breakfast eatery in the vein of Chipotle.

Assembly line production featuring organic, naturally-raised ingredients.

You have two options – a sandwich or a bowl.

With a sandwich, you get your choice of English muffins, bagels, biscuits or a flour tortilla.
With a bowl, you get either scrambled eggs, grits or crumbled-up tortilla chips.

Eggs — scrambled, fried, over-easy or an omelet (Yes, you can get a scrambled egg bowl with scrambled eggs on top. If you love eggs that much, I’m not gonna judge)

Meat/Meat Substitute — Bacon, sausage, ham, chorizo, vegan sausage/bacon, smoked tempeh.

Incidentals — Hash brown patty, home fries, tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers, onions, cheese, black beans, avocado, maple syrup, hot sauce (Tabasco and Sriracha), ketchup and salsa.

The combinations are endless!

You could make your own migas or a delicious VBAT (vegan bacon, avocado and tomato sandwich). Or, if you’re a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to breakfast foods, you could make a bacon-egg-and-cheese muffin that’s infinitely better than McDonalds’ because it’s made with real food as opposed to processed crap!

Our eggs are free-range and look like eggs! Our cheese is really cheese and not schoolbus yellow cheese product! Our produce comes from farms, not cans!

Sounds pretty good, right? Wouldn’t you love a custom-made breakfast sandwich and delicious cup of coffee to start your day?

So, any enterprising blogger out there want to go in on this million dollar idea with me? Not only would we make money hand-over-fist but we’d get all the breakfast food we could eat!

Who’s with me?