Merry Christmas Or, Happiness is a Warm Sandwich

My Christmas wish for you is that you get to eat a sandwich.

A perfect one with crusty bread, really good cheese and maybe an oozy fried egg or some avocado action and your favorite hot sauce.

And I hope it comes with a heaping side of warm and salty kettle chips and a frosty cold beer or fountain Diet Coke.

This is pretty much the nicest thing I can wish for and I really hope you get it.

Merry Christmas.

Here’s to all the good things.


(Yes. I am fully aware of the fact that I look like a total chowderhead in this picture, but dudes, I’m eating a sandwich containing both remoulade mayo and garlic-sauteed spinach. I swear, in this moment – I am infinite legit insanely happy.)

Happy Independence Day Or, The Fireworks Are Hailing Over Little Eden Tonight

_MG_6909-85 by JMaloney
_MG_6909-85, a photo by JMaloney on Flickr.

If you’ve been downhearted, disspirited, disgusted, dispossessed, downsized, analyzed, stigmatised, fractionalised, retropsychedelizised, Republicanised…

It´s not too late to repent….

I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight
I’m here tonight

I wanna re-educate you

Resuscitate you
Regenerate you
Reconfiscate you
Reindoctrinate you
Recombobolate you
Resexualate you
Reliberate you

With the power and the glory
With the majesty
With the mystery

With the ministry of rock and roll!
That´s right!
With the ministry of rock and roll!
That´s right, that´s right

Now unlike my competitors
I shall not
I will not
I cannot promise you life everlasting

BUT I can promise you life….right now!

And all you gotta do is raise your hand and say ‘I’…..”

– Bruce Springsteen. 12/06/00. Madison Square Garden, NYC.

Holiday Wishlist 2010, Or Hooray For Materialism!

I’ve always been a pie-in-the-sky kinda girl. This is fantastic when you’re entertaining children, but vastly irritating when it comes to buying gifts.

Ask me what I want and I’m likely to respond, “I want Glenn Beck to just go away.” And while that gift would be fabulous, it’s kind of hard to obtain and somewhat impractical.

I realize this and that’s why I divide my wishlist into two separate categories:

Uhhhh, Yeah. Keep Dreaming, Kid and Mmmm. OK. We Might Be Able To Handle That.

One fanciful, one a little more realistic but both guaranteed to make this girl smile.

Keep Dreaming, Kid:

– The couch of my dreams – Macy’s Cabo Sectional. You know, the one I had an opportunity to buy this summer but didn’t and then, discovered the model was being discontinued. That couch.

– A house in which to place aforementioned couch. Preferably a sunny one with wooden floors, a media room, bookshelves built into the walls, lots of photographs, an avocado tree in the back yard and a big-ass kitchen with an island in the middle.

– Martha Stewart’s crafting abilities, Nigella Lawson’s culinary skills, Nicole Richie’s sense of style and Jonathan Adler’s eye for interior design.

– A Delorean complete with functioning Flux Capacitor so I could travel back in time and see the following acts live:

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band on the last night of their 2001 Madison Square Garden show.
Led Zeppelin at MSG in 1973 (The Song Remains The Same shows).
The first night of Rolling Stones Licks tour at Wembley Stadium in 2003.
Stevie Ray Vaughan at Alpine Valley in 1990. I would tell him not to get on the helicopter. Of course, this would alter the course of future history and might create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum and destroy the entire universe! BUT, that’s a worse case scenario and the destruction might in fact be very localized, limited to merely our own galaxy, so you know — totally worth it.

– Ron Livingston. Preferably, Ron Livingston to show up on Christmas morning wearing plaid pajama pants, holding a giant Illy iced coffee and a book of Bukowski poems (read For Jane and Barfly. Neruda’s words may have been prettier but Bukowski’s words mean far more).

Yeah. Best Christmas present ever.

Mmmmm. OK. We Might Be Able To Handle That.

– I saw this shirt on Kori’s blog and basically decided that I. Must. Own. This.
– A BPA-free iced coffee tumbler.
Alphabet rings — a D, a J and a heart.
– Marzipan because it is delicious and often formed into adorable shapes.

So, Santa — how about hooking me up? I’ve been relatively good this year and if anyone deserves an awesome couch, marzipan fruit or quality time with a really, really good-looking guy? It’s this girl right here.

I Want A J. Crew Christmas, Or Print Ads Never Resemble Real Life And I’m Feelin’ Grinchy.

I have always wanted a J.Crew Christmas.

A warm and cozy living room with the sound of laughter bubbling up over soft Christmas music, a fat tree twinkling with lights and festooned with ornaments, stockings hung with care, the scent of delicious food wafting into the room, perfect hair and cute pajamas.

Of course, this will never happen.

Last year, my sister and I attempted this feat….only to fail when we were told eggs were not allowed on the breakfast menu. Why? Because people who don’t even live at my house get a say-so when it comes to my meals (Yup. I’m still bitter about this).

This year isn’t shaping up to be much better.

No decorations and my Christmas tree isn’t even up yet (it’s in the car).
My living room is the furthest thing from warm and/or cozy (it’s a mess).
Augs and I don’t even own stockings (much less any place to hang them with care).
My pajamas consist of sweatpants and my high school yearbook shirt (Javelin! Woot!).
And perfect hair? Please — I have to wrestle and burn my fingers for 30 minutes 3-4 times a week just to get my hair looking remotely human. Perfect is not an option for this girl.

In addition to this — I haven’t:

– Sent out any of my Christmas cards/care packages.
– Picked up a present for my parents.
– Made any sort of delicious homemade treat for my co-workers.
– Wrapped anything.
– Figured out where the hell my sister’s gift is (damn you, third-party seller).
– Watched The Wizard of Oz (I have this batshit insane idea that if I don’t watch The Wizard of Oz before December 25, I’ll have a bad Christmas).

I was all about the Christmas spirit the week before Thanksgiving and now? I just want to stay in bed, watch TV-on-DVD (sidebar: My TV-on-DVD choices right now — Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 5), Angel (season 2), The Vampire Diaries (season two) and Supernatural (season five). Augs says I have the viewing habits of a teenager and I’m inclined to agree. I’m that awkward 14-year-old whose entire wardrobe is comprised of items purchased at Hot Topic) and drink gallons of hot chocolate.

I’m guessing my Grinchy attitude has less to do with Christmas and more to do with the fact that today has been a unholy shit-show, but still — the holidays are totally stressing me out this year.

Any tips on how to survive Christmas 2011? ‘Cause I think this year, it’s gonna take more than gin.